Leave The Gun, Take The Bukkake (Pt. 3)

The hoary, gimmicky pop culture comparison post is a familiar one to the blogging community - y'know, wherein a writer likens sports teams to any number of components within a category of cultural arcana, be they Smurfs, brands of beer and members of the federal judiciary, then draws tenuous similarities.

Well, the writers at KSK are above such things (we’re too busy genuflecting at the altar of Bill Simmons, that sagacious Sports Guy, who was first to conceive of combining the worlds of “sports” and “not sports”). That is, the six superior KSK writers to myself are, but it's the middle of the week, there's space to fill and the prime movie season approaches, soooo - what the hey! - here's a list of which film director would be best fit to direct a movie about each NFL team:

AFC East:

Buffalo -- John Ford

Because nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. /berman

Also, Ford directed a World War II drama titled, "They Were Expendable." Sounds about right for this team.

Miami -- Almodovar

I suppose if any team was going to get a Spanish-speaking director it was going to be this one. Sucks for you, Little Havana, he's a Spaniard. But, anyway, Daunte Culpepper looks like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown and the team likes bright kitschy colors and so does this guy. That scene from Talk To Her, where that miniature guy walks into that woman's vagina, was quite nice for an otherwise extremely long, depressing movie. What does that have to do with the Dolphins? Dunno, but warrants mentioning.

New England -- Wes Anderson

Another example of confused genius. Granted, the guy does twee better than anyone in the business. Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums are fine, fine movies. Bottle Rocket has its charms. And that was an awfully cute American Express commercial they played every time I went to the movies for 8 months. But find one of Wes' legions of hipster supporters and the unremitting touting of his greatness will make your ears bleed whimsy. Recently, like Patriot fans, their cries have gotten even more shrill as they've seen the wobbly, rudderless shit that was The Life Aquatic and they know all too well that the writing is on the wall. See also: Soderbergh, Steven; Anderson, Paul Thomas.

New York Jets -- Brett Ratner

The Jets like to pretend they're from New York and Ratner likes to imagine that he's black. It should be noted that Eric Mangini (who did a nice job with the James Bond theme, btw) has had the inverse (viz. positive) effect than what Ratner had on the X-Men series. If this pairing did occur, we'd see a lot of Stuart Scott in this movie. Or Christ Tucker playing Stuart Scott. But seriously, someone stop this man. Quentin Tarantino was mentioned for similar reasons, and that would be nice just to see the RZA get involved but Tarantino's too busy cribbing shit from French New Wave and old Hong Kong flicks.

AFC North:

Baltimore -- Brian De Palma

Fametracker, a site that I'm most fond of, refers to this guy as the Hackmaster General and I couldn't agree more. He also makes Harry Knowles' dick hard, which is another fine reason why he should never be allowed to work again. Who else considers Scarface to be the most overrated, overdone piece of shit ever shat? Apparently not the fake thugs at your local mall who make airbrushed shirts of Tony Montana. Like the Ravens, De Palma had one success with The Untouchables and has been foundering ever since. He's also into crime flicks, so that fits nicely with Bodymore, Murderland. I'd also like to nominate Brian Billick as the Undersecretary of Hacking Douches, if I may.

Cincinnati -- Baz Luhrmann

Lots of style, little substance. Luhrmann likes his big musical dance numbers and would value Chad HUGHson's ballroom training. Chris Henry drinks with the green absinthe fairy to forget how much he really wants to cover an Elton John song in a major motion picture. This could be his chance to get that monkey off his back.

Cleveland -- Terry Zwigoff

I know, another example of a director being too good for the team to which he is assigned. But Zwigoff has a knack for finding the humor in depressing, hopeless people and their desolate surroundings. Also, he already did a film about someone from Cleveland - temporarily - (Crumb), and it would just be cruel to foist the project on someone who's never been there. Basically, he's already fucked with a city that wasn't clean.

Pittsburgh -- Frank Capra

Capra and the Steelers achieved massive popularity by appealing to the lowest common denominator, in a way by being proxy symbols for putative American values. Capra: Honesty in government, vague Christian morality, Jimmy Stahewrt and war propaganda. Steelers: Blue-collar drinking tour, killing miniature ponies and lining up and playing smashmouth football and not letting the other team trick you and stuff. Sorry, doesn't always play out that way. Gov'tmint is full of crooks, UM killed Jesus, and the Steelers win Super Bowls on trick plays. I'm so disillusioned.