Ah, the Vikings bye week. Vikings head coach Brad Childress gave the 3-2 Vikings the full week off (Monday to Monday) to rest up for the rest of the season. As a fan, I'd prefer that the team use this time more constructively, to take refresher courses in... oh, I don't know... properly fielding punts? Making a "picture window" to catch passes? Learning how to throw passes longer than one yard on third-and-18? Shit like that. But that's just me. Call me Anne Heche. Anyway, the team gets a full week to itself. Nothing like a week off to let off some steam, or perhaps some assorted bodily fluids.
As you may recall, the Vikings bye week last year was a very busy one. Childress has already warned everyone on the team, "Don't be THAT guy." At which point, I assume, everyone in the room looked at either Fred Smoot or Bryant McKinnie. Since THAT guy means the guy who was chowing box as part of a massive bearded bivalve marine biology project, or the guy who made a hooker barbell out of a DayGlo toilet paper roll holder. Either guy easily qualifies as THAT guy. The message was fairly obvious.
Well, lo and behold, it turns out the team doesn't take orders very well. As the Vikings beat man (and overall beating expert) for KSK, I've happened upon the week's to-do list for a handful of Viking players. Suffice it to say, they are not encouraging:
Monday: Watch Hitchcock’s The 39 Steps. Masturbate vigorously.
Tuesday: Build secret bedroom under stairwell. Paint lightning bolt on forehead. Learn the art of Witchcraft & Wizardly. Befriend girl named Hermione. Fuck her until Polyjuice Potion squirts out her ears.
Thursday: Study coverage of the deep post pattern. Learn nothing.
Friday: Watch Craven’s "The People under the Stairs". Masturbate to a less highbrow orgasm.
Saturday: Realize that covering the Vikings' wideouts in practice does not prepare one sufficiently for actual wideouts.
Sunday: Watch the baby carriage scene from The Untouchables. Have orgasm that is pleasing, yet oddly vacant, much like any De Palma film.
Tuesday: Await results of Vioxx class action suit.
Wednesday: Complain about being underpaid, while giving off the illusion of keeping quiet and classy about it.
Thursday: Bang wife. Insist on being called "The Bull" periodically during intercourse.
Friday: Stare in disbelief at Tampa Super Bowl ring.
Saturday: Call Dan Snyder's voice mail. Leave five-minute laugh.
Sunday: Refill pillbox.
Monday: Make bacon pie. Eat bacon pie.
Wednesday: Cheeseburger egg rolls.
Thursday: Entire pack of butterscotch chips.
Saturday: Cobb salad, no lettuce.
Sunday: Gallon of buttermilk. Pancake mix.
Monday: Discreetly find hooker and attach her to milking machine. Realize the atrium of City Hall isn't discreet enough.
Tuesday: Call McKinnie. Discuss potential sexual encounters that do not involve the penis. Agree to try space docking.
Wednesday: Try space docking on woman flown in from Buckhead. Fail. Spray pussy with Lysol.
Thursday: Study coverage technique on tape. Realize tape is actually a copy of "The Country Bears". Curse Misssissppi State education.
Saturday: Call Sly Croom. Congratulate him for being black.
Sunday: Watch Goodfellas. Tell friends Jimmy Two Times is favorite character. Go get the papers get the papers.
Monday: Finish King’s Quest III: To Heir is Human. Kill the shit out of that dipshit old wizard.
Tuesday: Visit Gamehenge.
Wednesday: Go to secret place in imagination that no one knows about. Cease being Chester. Become Gillrath, man/elk hybrid that speaks in own secret language, which sounds like: "FRAAAAAAAAAHHH GOOTUN! FIDDLE FUR BOCK JAHH!" Find key that unlocks Gillrath's secret cavern. Frolic with fellow Yalderbeasts.
Thursday: Light jog.
Saturday: Paint self silver. Feed self churros on divan.
Sunday: Plan elaborate heist of downtown bank. Draw schematics. Bring in elite team of accomplices in fields of weaponry, surveillance, code-breaking, and safecracking. Case joint. Draw up thirty-seven step plan that involves a complex system of diamond carbide drills and titanium pulleys. Decide to scrap it.
Monday: Find girl. Ask if like fuck.
Tuesday: Find girl. Ask if like to see "The Real Mount McKinnie".
Wednesday: Find girl. Ask if like to see 350-pound lineman "get low"
Thursday: Find girl. Ask if like to tape fuck for Miami alumni fuck tape sharing project.
Saturday: Find girl. Ask if like having ponytail grabbed.
Sunday: Find boy. Ask if girl around.
The next game can't come fast enough.