KSK Gamebook: Burial In The Desert

-I wish I could take some kind of cruel pleasure in watching Denny Green coach a team that isn't my own into oblivion. But I just can't. I'm afraid I'm all too compassionate. No one should have to sit idly by while Denny Green coaches their team to breathtaking fuckup after breathtaking fuckup. The fact that Denny Green doesn't work for the government in some capacity still boggles the mind. His postgame tirade didn't even make sense, which is just so appropriate.

-Anyway, before I get to the horrors of last night's game, I need to point out TWO important storylines you may have missed. First, after the game was over, there was a shot of Matt Leinart meeting up with Kyle Orton at midfield and shaking hands. If you haven't seen Orton lately, you're in for a surprise. He's still got the neckbeard, but he's also growing his hair long, baby. Long and greasy as shit. Stellar fucking work. Make this man a roadie NOW, God. He and Leinart shared a laugh, at which point Tony Kornheiser burst into laughter on the air, never explaining why. Take a bow, Deadspin. The world is your inside joke.

-The second big issue of the night - WHERE WAS SUZY? The Patron Saint of this site was nowhere to be found, with Mike Tirico only offering that she wasn't there and would return next week. But why, Mike? What could pull a gamer like Suzy K away from the game she loves like a man?! It's probably an ailing relative, but I prefer to be much more imaginative. Rumphing accident?

-Chris Berman: "Da Bears are unDAfeated!" Ho ho fucking ho.

-There was someone in the stands last night wearing a UNC basketball jersey. And if you're wondering how someone from North Carolina could make a wrong turn and accidentally drive to Arizona and buy a ticket to a football game before realizing their folly, then you don't know people from North Carolina.

-Tony Kornheiser: "The name Dick Butkus sounds like a clenched fist in the mouth." That is simply incorrect. The name sounds like felching, especially if you put a comma after Dick.

-Matt Leinart was wired for sound: "Let's have fun tonight!" He, of course, wasn't referring to football at all. This line became more tragic as the night progressed.

-Leinart also introduced the Arizona offense. No white person should be allowed to do this. They aren't anywhere near, uh, colorful enough. For example, Muhsin Muhammad called Olin Kreutz "The Hawaiian Heartthrob" in his intro. That's much better.

-The new Lexus LS parks itself. But, since it was designed by Japanese people, this means it will bash into three cars and then drive off by itself without leaving a goddamn note.

-For a serious moment, let's consider Anquan Boldin. He catches everything thrown to him, and it takes at least two defenders to bring him down. I'm pretty sure he's the best receiver in football outside of Steve Smith.

-Hey, Ashton and Demi were there last night! I wonder who might have invited them. Who in Arizona comes from Hollywood and enjoys being buddy-buddy with some of the world's foremost douchebags? At this point, they show a montage of famous QB's nailing famous women. TK then taunts Joey T about banging Cathy Lee Crosby and then leaving her for dead. I'm not sure Cathy Lee Crosby counts as famous. I bet Ken O'Brien nailed Leann Hunley once, but I don't think anyone got very excited about it.

-I know a lot of people love Charles Barkley. Hey, he's a straight shooter! He says what's on his mind! You know what? FUCK Charles Barkley. Barkley is so stupid, Bill Maas could beat him at Chutes and Ladders.

-Kornheiser now actively blows in the booth. When the Cards went up, TK spent the entire second half essentially taunting Cardinals fans. "Can you imagine if they lost this game? Wouldn't that be fucking awful?" Yeah Tony, it would. Fans already know that. They already know what's coming, assbag. Leave them alone.

-There's footage of the Denny Green press conference already up on Deadspin. There's no way you can pin this loss on anyone but him (well, and Rackers). When you get a turnover, you fucking throw for the end zone the next play. It's the goddamn law. You don't run twice for one yard and then give it a shot. Bill Maas could make Denny another C&L victim.

-Good fucking God, putting Berman and his gang of retards in the stadium might be the worst idea in TV since "Mind of Mencia". The volume setting on my TV actually turned it self down during the segment. I didn't even have to touch it.

-About that Jay-Z video at the half (introduced by Stu Scott, who had a blackon you could see from about 500 miles away): I like Jay-Z. Now, I don't know about you, but when I watch a Jay-Z video, I think I have a right to expect to see Jay-Z, you know, rapping. Call me crazy. I don't think you get your money's worth when it's just Jay-Z shouting "Show Me What You Got!" over the "Rump Shaker" sax solo.

-One other thing that annoys me about a lot of hip hop songs: shoutouts in the beginning of the song. I swear to God, there are hip hop songs where the shoutouts last two minutes. The opening credits of most films don't last as long. "Jay-Z! Rocafella Records! Justin Blaze! Remixed by Rick Rubin! Produced at Howard Schwartz Studios! Catering provided by Mangia! Email me at jiggajigga1@gmail.com!" Just get to the fucking song, will ya?

-Mike Tirico: "Another short Edgerrin James run." Edge ended up going 36-56 last night. There's sticking with the run, and there's being retarded.

-Lime in beer is declared against Man Law. Bullshit. I demand exceptions for Corona, Dos Equis, and Carib. Other beers, fine. Anyone who puts lime in a Miller Lite also probably draws up game plans for the Cardinals' running game.

-Someone at ESPN really, really likes old U2. Beats Peter King's taste for shitty new U2.

-Joey T with the score 23-10: "If you kick a field goal here, you're down 13."

-The Cards' collapse is made all the more horrendous by the fact that the Bears were clearly ready to cut their losses in the fourth and regroup for next week. I'm pretty sure they were set to pack it in, only to then realize that Green was demanding they take the game and emotionally rape everyone in the stadium.

-I was up by about 32 points in fantasy going into last night. I had Grossman left. He had Bryant Johnson. I still won, but that Grossman performance was uncannily Favre-like. Talk about stirring the echoes!

-You can't replay forward progress, which is too bad because Edgerrin James' progress had clearly been stopped on his brutal late fumble. But those things tend to happen when you won't pass the goddamn ball with a red hot QB. Any other coach not named Art Shell and the Cards win that game 35-10. I'm surprised Green wasn't playing a fiddle during the whole thing.

-The end of the game featured so many horrific plays that I need only mention them briefly: the fumble return, the Hester return, more horrible running calls, the Rackers miss. Seriously, Rackers is done now. His head is fucked after this. And so are the Cardinals. And their fans. Sorry, kids. At least Leinart got the ass-end of a Demi fingercuffs party after the game.