Tuesday, October 17, 2006

KSK Gamebook: Burial In The Desert


-I wish I could take some kind of cruel pleasure in watching Denny Green coach a team that isn't my own into oblivion. But I just can't. I'm afraid I'm all too compassionate. No one should have to sit idly by while Denny Green coaches their team to breathtaking fuckup after breathtaking fuckup. The fact that Denny Green doesn't work for the government in some capacity still boggles the mind. His postgame tirade didn't even make sense, which is just so appropriate.

-Anyway, before I get to the horrors of last night's game, I need to point out TWO important storylines you may have missed. First, after the game was over, there was a shot of Matt Leinart meeting up with Kyle Orton at midfield and shaking hands. If you haven't seen Orton lately, you're in for a surprise. He's still got the neckbeard, but he's also growing his hair long, baby. Long and greasy as shit. Stellar fucking work. Make this man a roadie NOW, God. He and Leinart shared a laugh, at which point Tony Kornheiser burst into laughter on the air, never explaining why. Take a bow, Deadspin. The world is your inside joke.

-The second big issue of the night - WHERE WAS SUZY? The Patron Saint of this site was nowhere to be found, with Mike Tirico only offering that she wasn't there and would return next week. But why, Mike? What could pull a gamer like Suzy K away from the game she loves like a man?! It's probably an ailing relative, but I prefer to be much more imaginative. Rumphing accident?

-Chris Berman: "Da Bears are unDAfeated!" Ho ho fucking ho.

-There was someone in the stands last night wearing a UNC basketball jersey. And if you're wondering how someone from North Carolina could make a wrong turn and accidentally drive to Arizona and buy a ticket to a football game before realizing their folly, then you don't know people from North Carolina.

-Tony Kornheiser: "The name Dick Butkus sounds like a clenched fist in the mouth." That is simply incorrect. The name sounds like felching, especially if you put a comma after Dick.

-Matt Leinart was wired for sound: "Let's have fun tonight!" He, of course, wasn't referring to football at all. This line became more tragic as the night progressed.

-Leinart also introduced the Arizona offense. No white person should be allowed to do this. They aren't anywhere near, uh, colorful enough. For example, Muhsin Muhammad called Olin Kreutz "The Hawaiian Heartthrob" in his intro. That's much better.

-The new Lexus LS parks itself. But, since it was designed by Japanese people, this means it will bash into three cars and then drive off by itself without leaving a goddamn note.

-For a serious moment, let's consider Anquan Boldin. He catches everything thrown to him, and it takes at least two defenders to bring him down. I'm pretty sure he's the best receiver in football outside of Steve Smith.

-Hey, Ashton and Demi were there last night! I wonder who might have invited them. Who in Arizona comes from Hollywood and enjoys being buddy-buddy with some of the world's foremost douchebags? At this point, they show a montage of famous QB's nailing famous women. TK then taunts Joey T about banging Cathy Lee Crosby and then leaving her for dead. I'm not sure Cathy Lee Crosby counts as famous. I bet Ken O'Brien nailed Leann Hunley once, but I don't think anyone got very excited about it.

-I know a lot of people love Charles Barkley. Hey, he's a straight shooter! He says what's on his mind! You know what? FUCK Charles Barkley. Barkley is so stupid, Bill Maas could beat him at Chutes and Ladders.

-Kornheiser now actively blows in the booth. When the Cards went up, TK spent the entire second half essentially taunting Cardinals fans. "Can you imagine if they lost this game? Wouldn't that be fucking awful?" Yeah Tony, it would. Fans already know that. They already know what's coming, assbag. Leave them alone.

-There's footage of the Denny Green press conference already up on Deadspin. There's no way you can pin this loss on anyone but him (well, and Rackers). When you get a turnover, you fucking throw for the end zone the next play. It's the goddamn law. You don't run twice for one yard and then give it a shot. Bill Maas could make Denny another C&L victim.

-Good fucking God, putting Berman and his gang of retards in the stadium might be the worst idea in TV since "Mind of Mencia". The volume setting on my TV actually turned it self down during the segment. I didn't even have to touch it.

-About that Jay-Z video at the half (introduced by Stu Scott, who had a blackon you could see from about 500 miles away): I like Jay-Z. Now, I don't know about you, but when I watch a Jay-Z video, I think I have a right to expect to see Jay-Z, you know, rapping. Call me crazy. I don't think you get your money's worth when it's just Jay-Z shouting "Show Me What You Got!" over the "Rump Shaker" sax solo.

-One other thing that annoys me about a lot of hip hop songs: shoutouts in the beginning of the song. I swear to God, there are hip hop songs where the shoutouts last two minutes. The opening credits of most films don't last as long. "Jay-Z! Rocafella Records! Justin Blaze! Remixed by Rick Rubin! Produced at Howard Schwartz Studios! Catering provided by Mangia! Email me at jiggajigga1@gmail.com!" Just get to the fucking song, will ya?

-Mike Tirico: "Another short Edgerrin James run." Edge ended up going 36-56 last night. There's sticking with the run, and there's being retarded.

-Lime in beer is declared against Man Law. Bullshit. I demand exceptions for Corona, Dos Equis, and Carib. Other beers, fine. Anyone who puts lime in a Miller Lite also probably draws up game plans for the Cardinals' running game.

-Someone at ESPN really, really likes old U2. Beats Peter King's taste for shitty new U2.

-Joey T with the score 23-10: "If you kick a field goal here, you're down 13."

-The Cards' collapse is made all the more horrendous by the fact that the Bears were clearly ready to cut their losses in the fourth and regroup for next week. I'm pretty sure they were set to pack it in, only to then realize that Green was demanding they take the game and emotionally rape everyone in the stadium.

-I was up by about 32 points in fantasy going into last night. I had Grossman left. He had Bryant Johnson. I still won, but that Grossman performance was uncannily Favre-like. Talk about stirring the echoes!

-You can't replay forward progress, which is too bad because Edgerrin James' progress had clearly been stopped on his brutal late fumble. But those things tend to happen when you won't pass the goddamn ball with a red hot QB. Any other coach not named Art Shell and the Cards win that game 35-10. I'm surprised Green wasn't playing a fiddle during the whole thing.

-The end of the game featured so many horrific plays that I need only mention them briefly: the fumble return, the Hester return, more horrible running calls, the Rackers miss. Seriously, Rackers is done now. His head is fucked after this. And so are the Cardinals. And their fans. Sorry, kids. At least Leinart got the ass-end of a Demi fingercuffs party after the game.

49 comments:

Koos said...

Wait... calculus tests make you horny? Otherwise, to the entire post: YES.

{ k }

swing4 said...

Now promoting racial stereotyping about driving ability, on the other hand, is totally fucking acceptable. Five years in the SF Bay Area, people. USAA auto insurance and I can testify to the truth on this one.

The football stuff was on point, too. Nice, BDD.

Big Daddy Drew said...

koos, you are correct. That joke sucked. Corrected.

tuluse said...

Chutes and Ladders?! Chutes and Ladders?!

What are you scared of snakes.

Christmas Ape said...

FUNKMASTER FLEX! CHIRSTMAS APE COMMENT! YOU KNOW THE NAME! 2006 BURNING UP ON WAX! HERE WE GO! ONE TIME FOR YO' MIND! KSK RECORDS! WHAT, WHAT, CHILLIN' IN THE CUT! 2006! GET ON YO' MUTHAFUCKIN' FEET!

Sinfonian said...

At this point, they show a montage of famous QB's nailing famous women. TK then taunts Joey T about banging Cathy Lee Crosby and then leaving her for dead. I'm not sure Cathy Lee Crosby counts as famous. I bet Ken O'Brien nailed Leann Hunley once, but I don't think anyone got very excited about it.

Someone should have brought up how Tawny Kitaen kicked Chuck Finley's ass. I don't care if it's baseball, it's MNF. They can discuss anything.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

The Bears are what we thought they were? FEROCIOUS!!

JoSCh said...

Hold up, I see negative comments about white trash, asians, blacks, women, jews, coupled with pop culture references, and you criticized Jay Z. Oh, and Torry Holt is the best WR playing, not Smith or Boldin. Totally offensive. Free the whales and New Orleans.

mistermeastyspleen said...

Quite possibly the worst meltdown I have ever seen in a football game, followed up by the best post ever on KSK. Windex the monitor, people, coffee coming from the nose.

the dude said...

Chris Berman is offically a beached whale in my book. Seriously when he's trying to get to a point while blathering on for 3 minutes I yell at the TV "get to the point, you beached whale!"

chiswede said...

Orton flashed onscreen a couple of times last night, always just for a fleeting moment. I made it a point to rewind and pause to point out to my wife that "Woohoo, the neckbeard is back!" For some reason, she did not share my joy.

Satchmo said...

Why is Mind of Mencia still on the air? Does anyone know anybody who watches that crap?

PenTO said...

I was up 26 points, had Grossman. The other guy had the Bears D.

Fuck you Rex Grossman.

KillBillWirtz said...

Matt Leinart is the dog who gets beat.

SteveJeltzFan said...

Sexy Rexy set a record for lowest individual point total in my fantasy league last night! Since 1992, no one had a worse performance than -11.3 points. Congratulations Rex!

And two great posts in a row, BDD.

C. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
C. said...

I'd already lost in fantasy football this week, but to add insult to injury, it turns out Edgerrin James is on the no-cut list in Yahoo leagues.

If I'm allowed to cut McNabb, then I should be allowed to cut Edge. Any Denny Green-coached player should not be on a no-cut list.

I would add Tecate to the "lime permitted" list.

C. said...

Huh...could've sworn McNabb wasn't on the no-cut at the beginning of the season, but my point stands.

Fornelli said...

While Ashton and Demi may have been invited by Leinart, Kutcher is a life long Bears fan, so they more than likely came on their own.

That said when the score was 20-0 at halftime I was waiting for Kutcher to pop up at midfield telling us we'd all been Punk'd. He never showed, but then the Bears did it for him.

Juancho said...

How did I knew BDD would write this? OutSTANDing.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Fuck Man Law...I'm all about lime in my Corona, Dos Equis, Kalik, Carib, etc....they can go fuck themselves in that Cube of All Encompassing Knowledge in the middle of nowhere...where Hanson lives...

john said...

swing4 and bdd- as an sf native that comment about the lexus struck a chord in my heart.. so true.. so beautifully, tragically, hilariously true. i agree with the above, one of the best KSK posts ever.

brainofjm said...

suzy kolber had a yeast infection. no word yet on the rumor that pam ward will be out indefinitely with a strained adam's apple

Awful Chief said...

I wonder if, during the conceptual phase of that Jay-Z video, the producers nixed "Jay-Z and girl racing around in high performance small planes over East River" in favor of the fancy cars and offshore powerboats scenes.

Otto Man said...

The guy with Rex Grossman in my league entered the night up 68-65 and ended it down 65-61. Brutal. He's vowed to hunt Rex down and skin him.

I tried calling Crimestoppers but all I got was the automated menu. "You have selected .... REGICIDE! If you know the name of the monarch being killed, press one now!"

Garthmeister J. said...

Wow. You don't see a regicide joke every day. Thumbs up.

Roger said...

Rex Grossman also killed my fantasy team. Asshole.

By the way, the sax sample is not from "Rump Shaker" originally, the original usage was from N 2 Deep's magnum opus, "Back to the Hotel".

Given the context of how Jay was flipping it in his video (like the part where he says "I'm with ya Chuck!"), though, I'd say he meant to evoke Public Enemy's usage of the same sax sample from "Coundown to Armageddon."

"Freedom is a road seldom-traveled by the multitude..."

Bad Barbecue said...

Can we go back to country music during football games? If only to quell the "hip-hop expert". And yes, because there does not exist a "country music expert".

TheBigO said...

Roger,

Good shit, on point.

Unsilent Majority said...

Where's the love for Pacifico in all this man law talk? now that's a tasty beverage.

NEW SHIT NEW SHIT! DJ KAY SLAY!

BoSox Siobhan said...

Negra Modelo = yum.
And no, BigO. That is not a racially-based statement so relax.

Three Mills said...

Urlacher ripping the ball away from James was and nearly taking his arm was the scariest thing I have ever seen.

Big Jim Slade said...

Salt in your beer = not gay

Lime in your beer = borderline gay

Lime flavored Jolly Rancher in your beer = Elton John's fanny pack

TheBigO said...

"And no, BigO. That is not a racially-based statement so relax. "

HAHAHA, I drink the stuff too, but correct me if I'm wrong isn't it NegrO Modelo, as opposed to negrA.

and I condone the use of the word negro when talking about black folks, BY black folks, that's the kicker, kinda like the other N word.

and I agree with the man law of no fruit in Miller beer, it makes the fruit taste horrible.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I actually googled it to be sure to get the name right.
http://www.negramodelo.com/

jihad joe said...

its amazing that years from now school kids will learn about the great exploits of Odyessus, Achilles and Brian Urlacher

The Angry Rant said...

Googled beer? I knew I liked you despite your questionable team affiliation and unpronounceable name. And I think I just burned out a neuron path trying to spell 'unpronounceable'.

Michael Krogmann said...

First off, Kyle Orton's mother apparently cut his hair for first grade picture day.

Second off, during player introductions, I realized we stumbled across a potentially endless source for Theismann retardation. Bernard Berrian on one team, Betrand Berry on the other. Sure enough, Joey got these two guys EXACTLY wrong for the entire first half. Either that, or Bernard Berrian tackled his own running back six times.

Of course, that might not beat him calling Aaron Francisco "Frisco".

BoSox Siobhan said...

Hey Rant:
Say shu-von.
Easy.

TheBigO said...

Oh ok, thanks. my bad.

Isn't the spelling of your name gaylick? just fuckin w/ ya.

SandisfieldStyleBBQ said...

the consensus seems to be any beer imported from somewhere south of Miami is lime material, works for me.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I'm a Mick - guilty as charged.

Maximus said...

What is a blackon?

Run Up The Score said...

// -Chris Berman: "Da Bears are unDAfeated!" Ho ho fucking ho. //

I'm a lifelong music fan, raised on the music of the 60's my parents, took the History Of Rock And Roll as a three-credit course at Penn State, and I still don't know the ancient pop music blurted by Ol' Leather on a weekly basis. And what the fuck is that stupid melody he spits out for Marc Bulger?

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

The Jay-Z track is awful, but the new Xzibit track is worse. Actual lyrics, "lift some weights, eat some steaks." In a perfect world, Happy Gilmore would follow that up with a slew of phrases ending in words that rhyme with weights and steaks. This has nothing to do with football, but if I think about Rex dropping a Cleveland Steamer on my fantasy teams, I will commit mass murder.

Senor Beavis said...

I heard that Jay-Z song when it was "Touch the Sky." It was bad then too.

And Pacifico wins!

Senor Beavis running the Ought-Six!

the rude sports pundit said...

Any team that goes down to the Cardinals 20-0 in the first half sucks. The Bears may have pulled this one out of their ass, but they are going down as far and as fast as Rex Grossman can take them.

Black Hole Faithful said...

right with you, UM. Pacifico w/lime and a shot of Casadores is the true breakfast of champions. or of 9er and Raider fans. whichever.

oh, and you forgot to mention that the Lexus will stall each time it gets to a 4 way stop sign. SF Bay Area driver here. don't get me started.

Roger said...

the "hip hop expert" is back in "da house" to "school" you "shorties".

senor beavis, I liked Touch the Sky better when it was a Kanye West track (featuring Lupe Fiasco not Jigga)...cause that's what it is.