Kendall Simmons Is Out, Pass The Kendall Jackson

Because I'm going to be karmically atoning (that's not a subtle plug for Caveman's site, btw) for years for the Steelers winning their first Super Bowl of my lifetime, the team's starting right guard, Kendall Simmons, will miss this afternoon's game at home against Kansas City because he fell asleep with a "cooling device" (with Drew space docking reference being so well received, I'm just gratuitously going to throw Icy Mike out there.) and got frostbite on his foot. In his place will be a lineman who has zero regular season experience. Fuck me with a stick, or a condom filled with frozen piss, whatever you got.

Now, Simmons, being one the league's few diabetic players, would seem more likely to freakishly miss a game for, I don't know, missing his medication. This further casts a pall over a game that the Steelers absolutely must win to have any hope for the playoffs, and for some reason a lot of people assumed they would, even though the Chiefs are coming off back-to-back wins. Even Sports GuyGod Bill Simmons picked the Steelers to win for the first time this season. So Simmons predicts, so it shall come to pass, right? Oh, his wife is better at picking games than him? Dripping Dick Enberg, we're screwed.*

I'm starting to become suspicious that Brett Keisel's lucky water is behind all of this somehow.

*I reserve the right to still be smug if the Steelers do win anyway.