Sunday, October 15, 2006

Kendall Simmons Is Out, Pass The Kendall Jackson


Because I'm going to be karmically atoning (that's not a subtle plug for Caveman's site, btw) for years for the Steelers winning their first Super Bowl of my lifetime, the team's starting right guard, Kendall Simmons, will miss this afternoon's game at home against Kansas City because he fell asleep with a "cooling device" (with Drew space docking reference being so well received, I'm just gratuitously going to throw Icy Mike out there.) and got frostbite on his foot. In his place will be a lineman who has zero regular season experience. Fuck me with a stick, or a condom filled with frozen piss, whatever you got.

Now, Simmons, being one the league's few diabetic players, would seem more likely to freakishly miss a game for, I don't know, missing his medication. This further casts a pall over a game that the Steelers absolutely must win to have any hope for the playoffs, and for some reason a lot of people assumed they would, even though the Chiefs are coming off back-to-back wins. Even Sports GuyGod Bill Simmons picked the Steelers to win for the first time this season. So Simmons predicts, so it shall come to pass, right? Oh, his wife is better at picking games than him? Dripping Dick Enberg, we're screwed.*

I'm starting to become suspicious that Brett Keisel's lucky water is behind all of this somehow.

*I reserve the right to still be smug if the Steelers do win anyway.

10 comments:

swing4 said...

Wow, in the past few days this site has made me long for the days when the most offensive thing a sportswriter referenced was a national coffee chain.

Christmas Ape said...

The reports of the Steelers demise* were greatly exaggerated.

Ben is off the schnide.

And as soon as Santonio Holmes starts to look worthy of a pick above the 4th round, he goes and pulls a Colclough. Fucker.

*Including my own.

C. said...

Just saw a highlight of Larry Johnson pulling Polamalu down by the hair after an interception. It's either the ultimate puss move or total genius on his part.

The guy in my fantasy league who dropped Big Ben on Saturday is probably flagellating himself thoroughly while the rest of the league fights to pick him up off the waiver wire.

Matt said...

Did anyone else see Costas claim that the hair tackle is illegal? I'm pretty sure that's a totally legal move, and has been at least since the league issued a clarification when Ricky Williams got drafted.

If it's not legal, it damn well should be. Otherwise anyone with long hair is making a big portion of their uniform off-limits for tackling.

Unsilent Majority said...

matt, from what I saw he acknowldeged that the hair tackle was legal, he added that pulling troy's hair after the tackle was both illegal and a telltale sign that LJ has a crush.

Sean Carter said...

From wat i saw, the tackle definetly wasn't illegal.... Costas claim that the hair tackle is illegal would be put down... Peep into this amazing Christmas Blog to check out some really cool stuffs and unique ideas

Matt said...

Ok, Sean's gotta stop with the Christmas
Blog crap.

And I'm pretty sure that Costas thought the actual tackle was illegal, because NBC never even showed the final seconds of taunting or the flag being thrown.

Cyxaaow!

Christmas Ape said...

I'll overlook the hair pulling by LJ, if only because the Steelers were knocking his dick in the dirt all day long.

What was his final line? I don't feel like checking but I remember something like 15 for 29 with a long of 8. A TD, sure, but...yeah, great fantasy pick there.

dr_mazzaro said...

Can we all agree to stop using the term "off the schnide"?

Where did this come from and why does it make me feel dirty. Like "the accused" kind of dirty.

So just stop... please

JoSCh said...

Did the refs alter the score like the superbowl?

Bye...