Friday, October 6, 2006

Albert Haynesworth: a week in review

After re-creating the curbing scene from “American History X” on Andre Gurode's dome, Albert Haynesworth, finds himself with a bit of free time on his hands during the next several weeks. Cough... road rage... ahem. Pardon me, it seems I involuntarily coughed when I was flatly accusing Haynesworth of experiencing violent, steroid-induced fits of anger.

Anyhoo, you are no doubt wondering how this Fightin' Titan, an alumnus of the University of Tennessee's Leonard Little School of Model Citizenship, will be filling the hours during his five-game suspension. Along those lines, KSK presents a day-by-day look of the week that was for Albert Haynesworth:

Monday: Received visit from team chaplain who echoed teammates' concern for mental wellbeing and suggested anger management therapy. Stomped a hole in the old bastard.

Tuesday: Auditioned for “Stomp” traveling dance troupe. Left bitterly disappointed.

Wednesday: Judged the 4th annual Murfreesboro JayCee's Chili Cook-off. Stomped the living shit out of the losers.

Thursday: Fearing Sunday's actions may have cost him his livelihood, asked maitre'd if vineyards “still smash grapes wit' dey feet.” Devastated at his response, Haynesworth stomped the sommelier in the nuts on his way out.

Earlier today: Answered front door to discover flaming bag of poop on porch. Calmly, got fire extinguisher and broom. Tidied up the unsightly mess in no time at all.

Update: The Titans are trying to recoup $300,000 of signing bonus back from Haynesworth. Talk about kicking someone when they're down...

6 comments:

TroubleHelix said...

Clap your hands!
Stomp your feet!
Steroid rage can not be beat!
Hurray!

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

and when georgia beats tennessee tomorrow, he'll stomp the fuck outta phil fulmer.

doug_plank said...

Watched a rerun of Simpsons when Bart gets a pet elephant named
Stampy.

TheBigO said...

“still smash grapes wit' dey feet.”

You forgot to put "oh skuse me boss" and a few "yes massas" after it. WTF??

WaistingCompanyTime6 said...

no cheerleader pictures this week??

Claude Balls said...

Thank you for the link to the grape-stomping video. I was caught completely unprepared for the ending. Anyone know how I can turn that into a virtual holiday card?