Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 7

I have a friend Jeremy (not his real name) that went to college with a girl whom he professed to loving very much. But she rebuffed his advances, and they remained only good friends. To this day, Jeremy thanks God (or whoever Jewish people worship... some sort of banker/doctor hybrid?) for that, because the girl turned out to be batshit insane. As she screwed over boyfriend after boyfriend, she'd reveal to Jeremy her innermost thoughts about each relationship, with Jeremy thinking to himself the whole time, "Man this bitch is fucking nuts." I think there were one or two girls who dated Ted Bundy and lived to tell about it. That's how Jeremy feels now.

But they remain friends even to this day, I assume because Jeremy is both morbidly curious at her exploits and grateful for the constant reminder that he is NOT dating a raving lunatic (or, at least, that particular one). That friendship paid off big storytelling dividends just a few weeks ago.

I was in NYC recently for the expressed purpose of getting loaded. Jeremy joined me, along with Mssrs. Ufford and Leitch for an evening of merrymaking. A few beers in, Jeremy tells us his friend's latest confession. Are you ready? It's unexpected.

She fucked Jimmy Buffett.

What?

"She fucked Jimmy Buffett."

How?

"Well, they had been hanging out..."

Who just starts randomly hanging out with Jimmy Buffett?

"I don't know."

Man, that's fucked up. What's he, three decades older than her?

"Yup."

There are rock stars whom I would prefer to not envision as rock stars, and Jimmy Buffett is one of them. Yes, he's sold millions of records and plays to sold out audiences in tourist traps the world over, but in reality he's just some old bastard. I don't want to know about him snorting coke and banging groupies.

You ever watch a porn scene where the guy banging the girl is too old to be in a porno? It's always disturbing, isn't it? It could be the hottest girl in the world, and you'd still be thrown off by that guy's wrinkled old ass. That, of course, was the instant mental image I got from Jeremy's scoop, and I quickly needed more beer to help alleviate the resulting anguish.

So, if you know any crazy gals out there, look out. Jimmy Buffett may have recently stuck his old ass cheeseburger right in her paradise. And you'd be none the wiser, unless someone were there to tip you off.

Seriously. She nailed Jimmy Buffett.

Guhhhhhhh...

Oh hey, it's the Meast of the Week! We've had an awful lot of homerism on the old website recently. Let's keep the streak alive! This week's Meast is Steve Hutchinson of the Seahawks Vikings.


Hutchinson returned to Seattle to help the Vikings destroy the Seahawks and spring Chester Taylor for a 95-yard TD run, the longest offensive play in Vikings' history. To make Ufford even more annoyed, let's watch the video!

I like the part where the score gets bigger.

Oh, they all laughed when the Vikings paid $16 million to a guard! Well, who's laughing now, bitch?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shit. Still got naked Jimmy Buffett in my head.