Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Leave The Gun, Take The Bukkake (Pt. 1)

The hoary, gimmicky pop culture comparison post is a familiar one to the blogging community - y'know, wherein a writer likens sports teams to any number of components within a category of cultural arcana, be they Smurfs, brands of beer and members of the federal judiciary, then draws tenuous similarities.

Well, the writers at KSK are above such things (we’re too busy genuflecting at the altar of Bill Simmons, that sagacious Sports Guy, who was first to conceive of combining the worlds of “sports” and “not sports”). That is, the six superior KSK writers to myself are, but it's the middle of the week, there's space to fill and the prime movie season approaches, soooo - what the hey! - here's a list of which film director would be best fit to direct a movie about each NFL team:

NFC East:

Dallas -- Tony Scott

The poor man's Michael Mann ("The Poor Mann?") is usually good for an explosion-laden few hours of emptyheaded ultraviolence. Once in a while, this turns out well - Top Gun, The Last Boy Scout, Man on Fire - and the rest of the time it's just loud, gormless and overdone. And a lot of the dumb people you know, and there are a lot of them, will go on and on about how much they love the 'splosions and that Days of Thunder was really, really good.

New York Giants -- Kevin Smith

They're both from Jersey and love warmed-over gay jokes. Tom Coughlin gets outcoached by Mike Holmgren and Smith's cinematic eye is dwarfed even by the Farrelly Brothers. Both have seen significant contributors fall prey to substance abuse: Jason Mewes, heroin; LT, everything. Snootch to the booch, losers.

Philadelphia -- Martin Scorsese

Ah, this one is bound to raise some hackles. "But he's from New York!" you carp. "He's too good for the Iggles!" Both are valid points. However, it all boils down to the fact that Scorsese, like Thrilly, can't win the big one even though it seems like both should have by now. The Departed looks promising and a lot of sportswriters are improbably picking the Eagles to go to the Super Bowl. And the Super Bowl goes to...Dances With Wolves.

Washington -- Michael Bay

Give them enough money and they'll give you a sad excuse to waste yours. Pearl Harbor and the Deion Sanders signing are similarly epic, costly blunders. Roland Emmerich or James Cameron could probably also fit here, but Cameron is too cool now that he's been on Entourage. I go with Bay because it has already come to pass - UM reported that crew from The Transformers Movie was on hand Sunday at FedEx for the Jags-Indigenous Peoples game to get film of Brunell morphing into a decent quarterback for a week.

NFC North:

Chicago -- Ridley Scott

Right now, they're the balls. And they have more versatility than people give them credit for. Maybe it's from wearing Meryl Streep's fragrance. Chicago's defense can hit you with a Gladiator, a Black Hawk Down, an Alien, a Blade Runner and then Rex Grossman can go all G.I. Jane or Thelma and Louise. Seems like they got everything covered. A caveat, though: there's a Kingdom of Heaven in there also, so don't think you're all invincible and shit. And that's Sir Ridley Scott to you, cheesedick.

Detroit -- Christopher Guest

Who doesn't want to see Eugene Levy playing Matt Millen? Who doesn't think he's already more qualified to run the Lions? The problem with this is that everyone knows Fred Willard gets the annoying announcer role. Is there a black guy in his ensemble that can follow the droll non-football exploits of the retired Barry Sanders? I see him traveling around the country looking to buy antique racist lawn jockeys.

Green Bay -- Ron Howard

I feel like Peter King has already shopped this project to a studio with Howard attached. Of course, in King's version, not only does he gloss over decades of Packer history, the film erases all world history previous to Brett Favre's first start with the Packers in 1992, and presages endtimes with his impending retirement. Expect lots of Starbucks product placements and sappy musical overlays to long close-ups.

Minnesota -- Sofia Coppola

You were expecting Jackie Treehorn, weren't you? You're funny, that's what you are. I was ready to be very generous to the Vikings here and let them have Minnesota's own Brothers Coen, however undeserving the team might be of them. But Drew interjected with Sofia, because, she, like the Vikings' offense, is quiet and shitty. I suppose so. But Sofia is the director of overhyped pieces of meandering shit like Lost in Translation, and no one gives a double dong about the Vikes. Let's meet halfway, Drew.

14 comments:

Monday Morning Punter said...

Lost in Translation was about an hour too long, just like Sofia Coppola's nose.

JoSCh said...

Why would you insult Eugene Levy like that? That just seems mean spirited.

Mr Furious said...

The often overlooked Tony Scott gem -- True Romance.

A great, great movie. Great cameos, great lines. Putting aside leading man Christian Slater (who gives the performance of his career) We're talking powerhouse one-and-done scenes from Gary Oldman, Dennis Hopper, Christoper Walken, Tom Sizemore, James Gandolfini, Brad Pitt...and a veritible who's who of "those guy" actors. Who wasn't in that movie, and great in it?

A.R.P. said...

Michael Bay? I thought the Skins season opener was reminiscent of Fellini's 8 1/2. It was a babylonian carnival of sorts.

At least give us Robert Zemeckis or something. The signing of Bruce Smith and Deeiawnne had me all Kevin Nealon in the elevator with Michael J. Fox.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

redskins and michael bay is really pretty accurate -- throw money at the thing and the idea is that it will succeed.

but too much credit is being given to detroit. christopher guest is great and nothing about detroit is even close to great. (though the mockumentary would be hilarious). but the lions would be like the high school kid directing a 5-minute film for his english class.

Engineer Sighted said...

Gotta agree with ZLS on Detroit. I would've expected something like Uwe Boll for the Lions.

TheBigO said...

No directors of any color, yet (i'll give the benefit of the doubt that you will be doing the rest of the league at a later time). I'm sorry did you say that the Departed looks promising? What in the fuck looks promising about a movie that has Dicaprio, Damon and Wahlburg in the same freakin flick? Are they going for the 3 pastiest white guys who couldn't intimidate my 7 yr old, for a movie about tough guys? Wow, like Paul Mooney says, "Hollywood is crazy". Why are they trying to sell these suburban prettyboy white guys as tough mob dudes, sure that's believable. Dicaprio, Damon and Wahlburg are 3 dudes I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, they might pull out Zimas and get a buzz while discussing hair care products.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

thebigo-- Marky Mark put some dude's eye out when he was a young punk. I bet he would kick your ass.

As for black film directors- there just are not that many of them. Now maybe cause that's the man keeping them down, but its still a fact. Good black directors include Spike, Bill Duke, Carl Franklin- very underrated-, John Singleton and the guy who directed Hustle and Flow- even though he's white.

Unsilent Majority said...

michael bay was filming at my fucking house and i didn't even get a chance to kick him in the nuts.

but thanks for pearl harbor (and the "Fortune .500" Skins...fucking douche

Otto Man said...

And the Super Bowl goes to...Dances With Wolves.

Well played. That moment will go down as one of the greatest crimes of all time.

Not that you need the assist, but can I make a recommendation for the Raiders? Christopher Nolan.

The coaching staff is full of backwards looking retreads like Memento, the fans look like rejects from Batman Begins, and the only people who'd watch their fucking games would have to be wacked out harder than Pacino in Insomnia.

Gent John said...

Did anyone else see the cast from "Purple People Eater"? Ned Beatty, Thora Birch, Neal Patrick Harris, Dustin Diamond, Little Richard AND Shelley Winters? That's a lost classic, I must say.

TheBigO said...

"thebigo-- Marky Mark put some dude's eye out when he was a young punk. I bet he would lick your ass. "

I'm sure the whole putting the eye out situation came about as he was recieving fellatio from one of his brothers fag buddies from new kids on the block, and he busted in dudes eye, and blinded him. as for him licking my ass, yes, I'll bet he would too.

TroubleHelix said...

Brilliant! two wonderful forms of entertainment combined

anon said...

By the by, and long after the fact... Man alive, if thebigo doesn't have a serious bug up his ass re: The Departed.

Mercy!