Friday, October 6, 2006

Leave The Gun, Take The Bukkake (Pt. 4)

The hoary, gimmicky pop culture comparison post is a familiar one to the blogging community - y'know, wherein a writer likens sports teams to any number of components within a category of cultural arcana, be they Smurfs, brands of beer and members of the federal judiciary, then draws tenuous similarities.

Well, the writers at KSK are above such things (we’re too busy genuflecting at the altar of Bill Simmons, that sagacious Sports Guy, who was first to conceive of combining the worlds of “sports” and “not sports”). That is, the six superior KSK writers to myself are, but it's the middle of the week, there's space to fill and the prime movie season approaches, soooo - what the hey! - here's a list of which film director would be best fit to direct a movie about each NFL team:



AFC South:

Houston -- Uwe Boll

I haven't seen any of Boll's films and I can't say I watch many of the Texans' games. They always seem to show up in stock footage of star players making exceptional plays, or in the case of Mark Brunell, setting hollow records. Both are synonymous with aggressive suckiness. The Texans could take a page out of Boll's playbook and force all of the team's detractors into a boxing match with Mario Williams. At least, then, he'd be useful.

Indianapolis -- Chris Columbus

A bane to moviegoers everywhere. Look at the string of high-concept turdlets this bundle of fuck put out in the '90s alone: Home Alone (1990), Only The Lonely (1991), Home Alone 2: Lost Up His Ass (1992), Mrs. Doubtfire (1993), Nine Months (1995), Stepmom (1998), Bicentennial Man (1999). Yet these movies made a ton of money and people always talk about them. I bet Peyton loves all of 'em. I bet on Manning Family Film Night (always the Monday after both brothers have been eliminated from the playoffs) Peyton and Eli sit too close to the screen and yuk out their blues to Mrs. Doubtfire, singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady" while tossing popcorn at each other blithely and making jokes about a drive-by fruiting, but, uh, with popcorn.

Jacksonville -- John Waters

A shame Waters is so fond of his native Baltimore because he would fit right in in a city as tacky and backwater as Jacksonville. I mean, they had All-Teal Stadium a few weeks ago, only Waters is capable of coming up with something that delightfully bad.

Observe from his appearance on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous:




Tennessee -- Robert Zemeckis

Not any particularly outstanding parallel between Zemeckis and the Titans. They're two solid but not terribly exceptional figures in their respective fields with a few bright spots ("Back to the Future"; a Super Bowl appearance) but have fallen on hard times recently. Why Zemeckis? Because Tom Hanks was a Titans fan in Cast Away. Of course, I could be lying but you really want to watch that movie again (and you'd excused for missing it the first time around) to make sure?

AFC West:

Denver -- M. Night Shyamalan

There's truth in the axiom, "When all you have is a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail." Now, when your "hammer" is "filming techniques stolen from Hitchcock mixed with forced and ham-fisted twist endings," you start producing shit like The Village, Signs and Lady in the Water. And when all you have is an overacheving cut-blocking offensive line, you begin to think you can win with Jake Plummer and stick whatever running back you see fit into your system without fail, even Mo Clarett.

Full disclosure: I once interviewed Shyamalan for my college paper. Basically, I got a free flight to New York, a free stay in a four-star hotel and $125 a day room service tab courtesy of Disney (there's no ethics in college papers, you see). The movie I was there to interview him about was Signs. That's like taking a vacation to Hawaii only to go to the DMV. And he's every bit the overweening douche you'd expect him to be. He kept comparing his film favorably to Night of the Living Dead ("Swing away, M. Night!") and pronounced "horror" with a nasally hawrour. And Joaquin Phoenix was totally bombed out his box.

Kansas City -- George Lucas

The Chiefs were once a great team, and it's been so long since then it's almost an inconceivable concept. Them blowing Home Field Advantage in 1995 was tantamount to Episode I, so we weren't too surprised when they did it again in 1997 and blew another first-round bye in 2003. And, for all the hype about how they revamp their defense each year, they might as well sell Happy Meal figurines of Kendrell Bell and Ty Law.

Oakland -- Vincent Gallo

I was all ready to go with McG here, but Caveman was quick to suggest Gallo and he put it better than I could: "Vincent Gallo is the only person who churns out ugly, shitty failures with no redeeming value. I mean, how can you get a blowjob on-screen wrong? You cast a man like Chloe Sevigny to give it, that's how." And how do you let Roger Ebert make you look stupid? These are all hallmark Raider qualities. And Gallo was also once quoted saying, "I stopped painting in 1990 at the peak of my success just to deny people my beautiful paintings, and I did it out of spite." Jerry Porter is intriqued by his ideas and would like to subscribe to his newsletter. Al Davis, however, is not impressed.

San Diego -- Adam McKay

People call me the Bolts; I'm the stylish one of the division. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nickname for my penis. Its called the Murph', but I also nicknamed my testes - my left one is Dan Fouts and my right one is Kellen Winslow. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

I sometimes feel a pang of sympathy for the people of San Diego because they're going to have to deal with incessant Anchorman quotes from outsiders for years to come. But then I remember that they have perfect weather year-round, so they can go eat a big red candle.

6 comments:

Monday Morning Punter said...

Fucking awesome, top to bottom. Any chance you could compare NFL Europe teams to Impressionist painters?

Otto Man said...

Beautifully done. I was pushing Christopher Nolan for the Raiders, but the self-centered assclownery of Gallo is a much, much better fit.

Senor Beavis said...

Damn, I went to the wrong school. The most I ever got at my college paper was free tickets to see Jimmie's Chicken Shack.

Big Al said...

You pretentious ass, you except me to know who Vincent Gallo is? ‘gun lover’ ‘the brown bunny’? You're so phisticated. Fucker.

TheBigO said...

Buffalo 66 was good. I haven't seen any of his other flicks.

jedland said...

M. Night Shmayalanalanylanlylan is a worthy adversary to those of us seeking quality. However, I would argue that his films are painful to watch, while the Broncos are more often apt to just piss you off without causing actual physical pain. Shmayalanalanylanlylan is a cancer, but he should be grouped with the likes of Matt Millen - something that is not good for anyone, of which we'd like to rid ourselves, but will simply not go away. Your analysis in this case is respectable but flawed. But then, I'm blind drunk.