Monday, September 18, 2006

Jag Hags: These Colors Don't Run

Many a pundit has said that the key for the Jaggiewires this evening is to match the style of the (5xSBC) Steelers, and that was tacitly understood to mean that they should play with similar physicality often exhibited by the team, and not the singularly dribbling, polkatardedness of its fans. In that respect, at least, Jacksonville has done Pittsburgh one better, even throwing in some Florida flair.

From that coruscating beacon of journalism, First Coast News:

The Jacksonville Jaguars are gearing up for Monday Night Football. The Big Cats take on the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Pittsburgh Steelers tonight. The Steelers and their fans have the "Terrible Towels." The Jags have their teal! Jacksonville Mayor John Peyton has proclaimed Monday, September 18th, as All-Teal Day. He wants everyone to wear teal to work and school. At the game, he's hoping to see a sea of teal as Alltel Stadium becomes All-Teal Stadium...

The game starts at 8:30 p.m. But the fun will start much earlier. Many fans plan to tailgate and get pumped up for the big game.


Holy shit, tailgating? Fuck, we didn't think they'd have their football fandom down yet after 11 years, but hell, there you go. How many fans? Many? That's like, more than five, right? Oh right, that's lazy journalism jargon for "probably a lot but we can't check." How many Steelers fans will be in the crowd to ruin the teal motif? My guess is many. Say, how'd that teal thing work for Nick Saban last week? Oh no, don't bother checking. I'm sure you have some lost dog story you're leading with for 7 p.m. broadcast.

The Big Cats? This is the endearing name by which the Jacksonian Football Enthusiasts embrace their team? Dan Shanoff is crying all over his two word sentences. Crying. Jags.

And we've got some some Martian Macaca joining the festivities. Or should we say, the fes-TEAL-ities. Oh ho ho, make me mayor right now. No really. I'm more qualified than John Peyton. Know how I know? Because I wouldn't declare official days to be things that would fail as office morale tactics. How about that? So, seriously, make me mayor.

25 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

All Hail Mayor Michael Scott

peytonloveskenny said...

When's Diversity Day?

flubby said...

That guy looks like the bastard offspring of Papa Smurf and Wendy O. Williams.

swing4 said...

A) I've lived in Jacksonville. Trust me, rescind your request to be mayor before they take you up on it.

B) "Crying. Jags." Nice.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Wouldn't those be two one-word sentences?

The Last Unitard said...

I think the Andres Galarraga's are going to win this one.

Rob I said...

*furiously searching dresser drawers to find teal Champion sweatshirt*

dusty said...

A sea of Teal? WTF will that prove? Fuckwits on parade is all it would prove from where I sit..which is in Cali and god knows the candy-ass residents do love their pastels here in the state of fruits and nuts.

Unsilent Majority said...

aren't all seas kinda teal?

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Christmas Ape-

If Jacksonville doesn't take you up on your offer...I'm sure Chocolate City will. Perks include smoking crack, and siphoning money from the elderly. Even Maurice Clarett could get elected here.

Beban said...

Let me get this straight...You go to the stadium beforehand, cook stuff, drink beer, and throw a football around? Tailgating? Sounds fucking awesome...I'm in.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Poor, much-maligned Marion Barry. He's in big trouble with Fenty being elected. No loved lost between those two.

FuckingBrian said...

Totally off topic, but was anyone else watching Sportscenter just now. They did the top 10 plays of yesterday and Reggie Bush's 5 yard punt return was number 10. Is anyone else geting sick of hearing about him and his wonderfull 5 yards on 6 carries?

doug_plank said...

From what I heard the Miami Heat fans dyed all their white playoff shirts to teal and made a killing at the fleamarket this past Sunday in the Alltel parking lot.


Hill-jacks.

feep said...

Chris Simms just announced he wanted to be traded to Jacksonville so that his new teal butterfly tatoo on his lower back will match his uniform.

skinny said...

the jags fans (jag-offs?) aren't impressing anyone until there's a real jaguar in the stadium. and even then it won't matter because joey porter will kill it on site, and then wear its pelt as a cape. GET ON HIS LEVEL.

The Dude said...

"Teal is the new fuschia."

-Chris Simms

Otto Man said...

"Polkatarded." Perfect.

And yeah, you don't want to be mayor there. I once spent a month in Jacksonville one weekend. You'd die of boredom. Very tacky boredom.

Hw did that piece of shit town ever get a franchise in the first place? Did Tagliabue have a mistress stashed down there and he needed an excuse to visit every other week?

C. said...

Now I understand. The only reason that Jacksonville has a team is because neither Miami nor Atlanta wanted those fucktards road-tripping to their home games any more.

Do keep in mind this is the team that gave Mark Brunell a longer lease on his career than he deserved to begin with. The Redskins only compounded an earlier mistake.

Claude Balls said...

I take it you guys have never been to Jacksonville during the weekend of the Georgia-Florida game. A seemingly infinite number of drunk, horny, beautiful, but not so bright, women making themselves available all weekend.

C. said...

Yes, Kornheiser, everyone knows you have Matt Jones on your fantasy team now.

Basshole said...

I once spent a month in Jacksonville one weekend.

How the fuck did you pull that off?



As for the world's largest cocktail party, the only reason that is worthwhile is all the young skeezers that are imported from UGA and UF for the weekend. It is fucking great, though.

Otto Man said...

How the fuck did you pull that off?

Through the magic of hyperbole, my friend.

Captain Caveman said...

Nice work, Otto Man.

Otto Man said...

Thanks, CC. Just trying to contribute. I'm all about the team.