Today is a special day here at Kissing Suzy (no this has nothing to do with Matt Leinart and/or VD). Today we are honored to be joined by the most reclusive man in the National Football League. He's been described by some as an Übermensch-like combination of Karl Rove and Chuck Noll (yet they sill love him in Boston). Of course I'm talking about Mensa's own, Bill Belichick.
Coach, I'd like to welcome you here to KSK. We can't thank you enough for this unprecedented access to your organization. Firstly, I have to ask why you've chosen us to speak with after biting your tongue for so many years.
Spite, nothing but good, old fashioned spite.
Spite? Against Whom?
Peter King; I don't care for that man, he's annoying as hell and I figure this would be a good way to get under his skin.
I think I understand perfectly, say no more...seriously, don't say anything else...the walls have ears.
I'm sure you requested this forum for a good reason, so what is it you'd like to discuss?
I am here to announce a bit of a change to our lineup for Sunday's game.
Oh really? Are you going to insert Maroney into the starting spot over Dillon? I wouldn't have expected that for another few weeks.
Nope, I'm thinking bigger. We've come to a decision; Matt Cassell will start at quarterback this weekend against the Bengals.
Coach, when you requested this interview I was under the impression that you were serious. Just because we're a humor site doesn't mean that you can come on here and fuck with us.
I assure you Mr. Majority, I fuck with you not.
So what's wrong with Brady? Was he injured late in the Denver loss?
This change has nothing to do with injuries, at this point I feel that Matt can offer more to the team.
How could you bench a future Hall of Fame inductee in the prime of his career? Surely you can't be serious. His performance in the past couple of weeks can't be enough to warrant the promotion of a backup who hasn't played since high school.
I'm very serious, and don't call me Shirley...LOL!
Very funny Coach, you must be a Deadspin commenter. Seriously, what could Brady have done to get on your bad side?
He's being a whiny bitch! You've seen him out on the field, he's wavin' his arms and hollerin' at his receivers, it's not my kind of football.
To be fair you did trade away Deion Branch, his primary receiver and bff.
No shit, that's all I he ever talks about anymore. After the trade he cried for four hours. Now he's moping around practice like a Mormon girl during prom week. When he's not writing in his journal he's text messaging Hasselbeck out in Seattle to tell him what a special guy Deion is, even he thinks that shit's weird. The fact is that we need a quarterback who can run my damn team.
So what makes you think Cassell can run your team? He's never played a significant football game.
The kid's got all the tools, I've seen it for myself. Just because he never played at USC doesn't mean he's not better than Leinart.
Some may say that's exactly what it means.
Listen, Cassell's a good kid from solid roots, I've spent some time with his mother and I can tell you he's of good stock.
Coach, are you having an affair with Matt Cassell's mother?
I'm not not sleeping with her.
Coach you're doublespeak will not work on me, I'm no Peter King.
Fine! So what if I am sleeping with her? After the Bonnie Bernstein rumors and that milf in Jersey I've been struggling. That doesn't have shit to do with my quarterback decision, you muckraking bastard!
I think it's about time you got some help for yourself Bill. It seems like you're undermining your team and your personal life just because you're a bit of a stubborn ass.
Matt Cassell is my starter, Tom Brady's bitchy attitude is on the bench and that's that! This interview is over.
Thanks for joining us Coach.