Monday, September 25, 2006

And, Dude, China Bowl Is Not The Preferred Nomenclature


I'm sitting at home last night seething and incoherently muttering to myself about death fantasies involving Richardo Colclough, Verron Haynes and a log splitter. And how Roethlisberger has 5 picks and no touchs in two starts. And how I had no weed. Even watching the Patriots get their Cotchery pounded in prime time provided little solace.

A clearing temporarily lifts from the fog of hate and, lo, bright, capsule-headed figures fill my screen and start gamboling around the field of Gillette Stadium. I thought it possible that I was having some anger-fuelled fever dream or that I had accidentally turned on Katamari Damacy, a frightening development because I don't own the game. Instead, it was the NFL's bemusing way of announcing that the league will hold an exhibition game next summer in Peking Bombay Mumbai Beijing between the Patriots and the Seahawks.

There have been 40 international preseason games and one Mexico outsourced regular season game since 1986. So it's gotten to a Simpsons level of pointless travel in foreign lands. I'm still waiting for the game in Rand McNally, frankly. I'm not entirely sure why it is that other countries would go apeshit over the first of several meaningless preseason games, but then I don't know why people here do either. But then I suppose it's the easiest way to get a display of American might in your country without being invaded.

Lest the 1 billion potential consumers, the ones the NFL is trying to lift from their benighted, one-baby ways, are unfamilar with the two teams that they'll get to see take five first-team snaps, NFL.com tells us, "CCTV is broadcasting the NFL's schedule of Sunday Night Football games live in China throughout the 2006 season, culminating with an on-site telecast of Super Bowl XLI. Seattle and New England each will appear on Sunday night at least twice this season."

That only leaves China a full year to learn the proper respect for the Patriots (last night may not have been the best start), getting just the right tea ceremony hoodie for Belichick, and letting the Seahawks install extra noise-pumping speakers into the stadium. This could also be the first meeting between Deion Branch and his former team. He's, I think, their second or third receiver and he used to be one member of the nameless passel of targets for Tom Brady. Isn't that exciting? China? China?

12 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

the NFL lacks MSG.

FUCK YOU ROGER GOODELL! CAN'T YOU LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE???

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

The Chinese originally requested the Bengals but were denied due to half the team being at flight risk.

Unsilent Majority said...

They wanted Pittsburgh but they were concerned about their dogs around Hines Ward.

Claude Balls said...

I thought they were concerned about their kids around Joey Porter's dogs.

The Dude said...

Love the title of this post!

Rex Mantooth said...

Hey, if the Stealers had any FUCKING BALLS, they find away to come out here to Qwest Field, and see for themselves if the ear-splitting thunder from the stands is fake or not.

peytonloveskenny said...

Hey, if the Seahawks had any balls, maybe they would quit whining like little bitches about the Super Bowl.

Otto Man said...

A game in Rand McNally? Screw that.

They wear hats on their feet there, and the hamburgers eat people! Seriously, that would wreak havoc with the concessions sales.

rock_n_rye said...

In communist China, Joey Porter's dogs eat you!

swing4 said...

Great post, CA. I love the callback to Belichick's hoodie.

Renegade Writer said...

asian american bowls, please...

Joewho112 said...

Wait, they are broadcasting Sunday night games live in China? If they are live, they would be on at 8:15 AM on Monday. How does the NFL think this is going to increase interest in football when anyone who could afford to buy NFL merch would be at work when they show the games?