Here's everything you missed when you decided to rest your eyes after drinking a 12-pack before 4 pm (1 pm out west).
St. Louis 13 - San Francisco 20
What a difference a year makes out by the Bay. Although they aren’t headed to the Super Bowl anytime soon, the Niners are clearly responding to Mike Nolan’s directives. His coaching style is becoming so popular publishers are in a bidding war for his manifesto, “My Struggle”. Around town they’re saying Smith, Gore, and Bryant are the hottest shit since Garcia, Garner, and Owens. Despite what the Sports Guy may be telling, you the Rams reek of 8-8.
Tennessee 7 - San Diego 40
San Diego is very good, Tennessee is very bad. Case in point, Kerry Collins went 2-10 for 12 yards before Jeff Fischer pulled the plug. Speaking of Fischer, why does he have a job? Meanwhile in Bizarro World... Philip Rivers played with such efficiency the crowd started waving German flags (young Jewish girls all over the city instinctively hid in their attics). LT did his thing while fantasy owners everywhere ask why they took Larry Johnson. On the other side of the ball Shawne Merriman was unable to live up to the hype he generated after winning last week’s innagural Meast of the Week Award. The silver lining here is that he didn’t put anybody in a coma.
Arizona 10 - Seattle 21
Seattle bounced back from last week’s embarrasing “victory” over the Lions. Darrell Jackson’s hamstring is back to normal and Shaun Alexander found his secret GPS that tells him how to get to the endzone. While all is well in the Pacific Northwest the Buzzsaw-loving Phoenicians learned that beating the Niners doesn’t put you in the playoffs.
Lawrence Tynes 6 - Jason Elam 9
Jake Plummer currently has fewer members in his fan club than Jake Roberts. If this were 15th century Rome Shanny would be putting arsenic in his coffee (those were the days my friend). Seriously, nothing happened in this game, I’m just trying to save you some time here.
New England 24 New Jersey 17
6.5 point spreads are the greatest invention in the history of mankind. Once again the Patriots were too much for Chad the Fucktard and his new set of ass cheeks, Nick Mangold (I cringe every time I see that guy). New England showed they might just know what they’re doing in the player personnel department. The Ex-Gator receiving duo of Reche Caldwell and rookie Chad Jackson filled in admirably for Captain America. Sadly, no Jets fans were trampled after their comeback effort fell short.
Update: Matt Millen just cut Roy and Mike Williams in order to sign Reidel Anthony, Ike Hilliard, and Jaquez Green. Next he fired his coaching staff and handed Steve Spurrier a stack of blank checks. He told KSK that he could “smell a National Championship”....I smell an effigy.
Future Update: Ford Motors files for bankruptcy.
Bonus Lowlight of the Week!
Check out the following quotation from CBS’s Randy Cross...
“This play is a wonderful example of a veteran football team an All Pro and a Pro Bowl-laden defense disrupting an offense that right now wasn’t really quite sure what it was supposed to do in this situation"
I left the room to take a piss, when I got back he was still working on that same sentence. He used to be a trial lawyer, then a court stenographer shot herself in head mid-sentence.