Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Tear it up ,Tear it up ,Tear it up, Tear it up

Week 1 in the NFL means many things. Every year you can count on a healthy dose of optimism, sweaty tank tops, and a wave of injuries that decimate teams (real and fantasy alike). While we at KSK would never wish injury on anybody in particular they are an important part of the game. As always we strive to shed some humor on these otherwise depressing events.

Trent Green Kansas City
Ouch...seriously that one hurt. That's the kind of hit that makes an entire sports bar crane their necks in anticipation of the slow motion reverse angle. It's also the kind of hit that causes 75,000 red-clad Midwesterners collectively shit their pants. Doctors were initially worried about the prospects of serious brain trauma, apparently this derived from Trent's claim that he could see Jesus. Later at the hospital their fears were relieved when Mrs. Green assured the doctors that he has a standing weekly appointment with the Kid Nazareth.

Larry Allen San Francisco
Fred Taylor could have torn his groin on the first play and Allen's injury would still top the obvious report. Larry Allen knee injuries are the Simchat Torah of the NFL, you can pretty much mark down the date on your calendar. Ever since his first injury he's continued to pile on the pounds. The additional weight has made it impossible for the once dominant behemoth to ever get healthy...it's a vicious cycle. You'd think somebody in San Francisco would have known about this...although they are coached by a confirmed fascist.
For those of you still saddened over the "sudden" loss I offer this fond memory...at least the kickers are safe again.

Reggie Hayward Jacksonville
From what I can tell there isn't anything in sports more painful than a torn Achilles (unless you count stingray swimming as a sport). It's always tough to see a great player get knocked out so early in the year. Of course there's one upside; without Hayward the Jags defensive front won't be nearly as strong. This means that the Jags will struggle and we'll be spared the boredom of watching their ugly playoff loss.

Dan Morgan Carolina
Unfortunately it looks like this concussion could be the last of solid career. The Pro Bowler that you've been confusing with Zach Thomas for the past five years is facing the prospect of retirement. Watching a concussed athlete struggle through the last couple of years of his career is always painful. For this reason I truly hope he does the smart thing for himself and his family (plus it should open up the NFC race a little bit)

Robaire Smith Tennessee
Boy Wonder here managed to injure his hamstring while jumping offsides. I can't think of a more appropriate precursor to the horrible season in store for Titans fans...did I mention they lost to the Jets?

Pierson Prioleau Washington
This is the one that kept me up last night. Pierson may have been a backup DB but he was going to be a key member of Washington's rotation. Given AA's inability to defend the pass Gregg Williams was prepared to call on his once and current player to fill the need. Of course I used the past tense because Pierson tore his ACL exactly ZERO seconds into the season. That's right. You may not have seen it on SportsCenter (I've tried to avoid "highlights") but Pierson got two strides into his kickoff coverage when he hit the turf. Nobody touched him and no time expired from the clock (touchback). Zero seconds into the season and I have to sit their while a key player is being helped off in an air cast. Fuck Week One!


doug_plank said...

"From what I can tell there isn't anything in sports more painful than a torn Achilles "

Michael Barret and I beg to differ-


Unsilent Majority said...

baseball players don't have balls

Otto Man said...

Nice wrap up. If you watch the Green hit in slow motion, you can actually see the point at which his soul leaves his body.

Can I make a request? Can we see the Theismann crippling every week? Or at least the Joe Theismann Pencil Sharpener they had on Letterman?

JoSCh said...

Agree with Otto, Th-eyes-man hit needs to be shown constantly. Why was LT such a quitter?

Kid Nazareth... lol. Even JC hisownself thinks that's funny.

BoSox Siobhan said...

In retrospect, my hasty decision to back the Titans looks quite suspect.
And yes - Theesmann injury on constant loop should be weekly addition to this fine, fine blog.

Larry Bird Flu said...

At least the Skins have a formidable secondary without Prioleau. Fuck.

Unsilent Majority said...

As much as I hate Thees in the booth I'm too much of a Skins fan to watch that injury on a loop.

Awful Chief said...

I sincerely hope you guys have been fighting over the privilege of writing the forthcoming posting entirely devoted to Jerry Porter. If KSK is devoted to NFL related comedy, this has to be the kind of story you have been dreaming about since the blog was started.

the dude said...

Pierson Prioleau didn't believe in Scientology and Tom Cruise's wrath attacked his ACL.

Larry Bird Flu said...

I could watch the Theemann leg snap again, but only if it's followed by 2 minutes of highlights of Jay Schoeder coming in and throwing for 300 yards to win the game.

UM - I'm remembering that correctly, right?

Unsilent Majority said...


Larry Bird Flu said...

He had some awesomely thinning hair.

Rex Mantooth said...

What will Jerry Porter do next to get his retarded ass traded? My guess: He moons Art Shell from behind while Shell is staring blankly onto the field. That, or refuse to insert Al Davis' catheter.