Tuesday, September 12, 2006

KSK Gamebook: Skins-Vikes on MNF


-Before last night's game, I took my daughter out for a walk around the block. I passed by a neighbor who was cutting wood using something called a log splitter. It's basically an axe blade attached to a hydraulic press. This thing is fucking sweet. Now, unlike some of our anonymous commenters, I'm not one to murder people and cut up their bodies into very small parts. But if I were, I'd totally use this thing. Joe Pesci could have used it in Casino. "I got yo head in a fucking log splitter!" Awesome.

-I got full viewing privileges for last night's game courtesy of spending Friday evening watching The Family Stone with the Mrs. This was a horrible movie because Sarah Jessica Parker isn't hit by a bus in it, and because Dermot Mulroney can't fucking act. He even sucked as Dirty Steve in Young Guns. How does this asshole still find work?

-The first MNF game on ESPN began with a completely inexplicable opening sequence that played out like a shitty Tony Scott film. LaDainian Tomlinson had to deliver some disk to someone, or else Dwight Smith was gonna yell at him in the locker room about how he needs to fuck more women in stairwell or something. I saw episodes of Carnivale that were more coherent. But at least Governor Schwarzenegger was there at the end of it all, likely thinking of fiery hot, black-blooded Latina women during the entire shooting.

-Ah, but that was only phase ONE of the MNF opening. We still had an product-whoring GMC-centric montage to go, plus the debut of Hank Williams Jr. (still with fake beard) and all his "rowdy friends," including Rick Nielsen, the beanie-wearing douchebag from Cheap Trick who always plays funny-looking guitars (You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars?). I'm assuming Nielsen got the gig by auditioning with the song, "I Want You To Want To Pay My Water Bill."

-Joe Gibbs has no lips.

-While I hate the Redskins and everything they stand for, you have to hand it to Dan Snyder on the cheerleaders, whose outfits have designed for maximum camel toe exposure. I'm pretty sure I could make out some labia there. That's furburgeriffic.

-This whole "have a player from the team introduce the offense" thing is even worse than the old trick of having each player stare into the camera to recite their name and a school they failed to graduate from, like it's homeroom roll call. Just put the names on the screen. I can fucking read.

-Biggest play of the opening drive was Troy Williamson abusing Mike Rumph for a huge gain to set up the Chester Taylor TD. The Skins traded for Rumph, which is like trading for a cockpunch. On the other hand, "Rumph" has meast-like potential as a filthy word. You've got "rump" right in there. But the word also looks like "Triumph". So Rumph should connote some sort of anal success.

-Ad roundup: IBM is still making expensive ads designed to impress itself and no one else. GM spent what looked like $10 million on an ad that shows its cars flying when they barely work on land. Michael Vick is apparently only an effective QB at the Nike high school level. Beer topping is rightfully deemed fucking annoying by Miller Lite. And Budweiser keeps pushing Bud Select as if it's some kind of upscale product. It's like those Natural Doritos you see in the supermarket.

-Theismann wasn't quite as brutal tonight. But I will say this: By the end of any game Theismann covers, he not only believes that both team's QB's are first-ballot Hall-of-Famers, but that they piss Shafer Reserve Cabernet and shit nothing but gold krugerrands. The verbal dry humping he gave Brad Johnson last night was embarrassing. If Johnson had thrown the ball away on every pass attempt, Joe might have spontaneously orgasmed.

-Tom Cruise was on hand last night, perched in Snyder's luxury box. And I'll venture that's the first time Cruise has been inside a box of any kind.

Photo doctored by Perez Hilton

-I'm obviously biased, but even I know that the flag on Sean Taylor (the original Meast) for his late hit was a garbage call that helped the Vikings dig out of a hole and gain crucial field position for their subsequent drive. Plenty of Vikings (including Greg Blue - BLUE, YOU'RE MY BOY!!!!) made similar hits last night with no flags anywhere in sight.

-ESPN included "Chris Berman's Reflections On 9/11" in their halftime preview, which immediately made me picture the footage of New Yorkers running from the crumbling towers with Berman screaming, "Look at 'em go!" And that made me want to sit on a log splitter. I skipped the halftime show.

-The Redskins have a 700-page playbook, with apparently no plays designed for Brandon Lloyd included in it.

-Dwight Smith was suspended for this game for rumphing that chick over a railing. I'm betting he doesn't regret it.

-Here's why I hate sideline reporters like Michele Tafoya and the Patron Saint of this site. They always go long. ALWAYS. The guys in the booth are under strict orders to keep their shit brief and not interrupt the action, yet Tafoya is allowed to ramble on about stupid shit well through the next seven plays. This makes no sense. Why do I even need to see them up close? When they cut down to Suzy, her head fills up 90% of the screen. Suzy, you're in my personal space. I don't want to kiss you, dammit.

-A crucial play came during a Skins drive where Darren Sharper delivered a measty hit to Santana Moss, causing him to drop a sure TD catch. This hit eventually made the difference in the game. So Sharper gets my Double Dong Award for the night.

-Another crucial play: Antwaaaaaan Randle El failing to notice the first down marker on the Skins' final drive. That's a fucking high school mistake, and Randle El deserves a paddlin' for it.

-All in all, this was a pretty good game. Largely because my team won and the douchebag Redskins lost. The Vikings actually looked like a professionally coached team, even as Erasmus James remains a master at getting a roughing flag at the most important fucking time. The Skins were inconsistent offensively, and still can't rush the passer. Too bad, FedEx Field fans. But look on the bright side: You're in Prince Georges County, with ample amounts of meth and toothless hookers to soothe your pain. Enjoy!

47 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

The game had some serious hits, the sharper hit on moss was huge, the LEGAL taylor hit was great, but the best of the night came on Randle El's first punt return. I couldn't see who made the block of the year(maybe Rock or Rocky), but it came when Randle El reversed fields. The entire air left the stadium on impact. Anybody happen to catch it?

Big Jim Slade said...

Is it me or does Michelle Tafoya's face get gradually worse as these games progress? I remember thinking during the pregame segments that she actually looked somewhat double-dongable. But by the third quarter those bags under her eyes were packed and ready to go.

She's like the Darkman of sideline reporters.

Roy Hobbs said...

I was promised flying cars. Where the fuck are my flying cars?

Anonymous said...

I thought the best hit of the night was Hall's shank at the end.

Rob I said...

I would go football-less for an entire season if it meant never having to watch an SJP movie. "The Family Stone" even made me hate Claire Danes.

Captain Caveman said...

She's like the Darkman of sideline reporters.

Fucking amazing. Also, Drew made the first 9/11 joke that I've ever found legitimately funny.

E-6 said...

Andrea Kremer makes Michelle Tafoya look like a Redskin cheerleader. Which she definitely is not.

Joey D said...

Mulroney was decent in Young Guns. The only thing that kept "Dirty Steve" from being a tour de force was Casey Siemaszko refusing to give him anything to work with...

"Pals" indeed...

Becky said...

I bet Snyder is really thinking he got totally rumphed by Randle El's agent right about now. At the very least, he feels kicked in the meast.

Larry Bird Flu said...

UM - it was Carlos Rogers. As if it made up for his shitty CB play all game.

Question: did Andre Carter die during training camp and no one told me?

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Im tired of all these BS roughing and helmet to helmet calls. This is football, but the refs are trying to turn it into a some sort of game which homosexuals would play.

Rob I said...

This is football, but the refs are trying to turn it into a some sort of game which homosexuals would play. I will not stand for this volleyball-bashing!

Unsilent Majority said...

thanks lbf, just got the info from mr. irrelevant who somehow saw that from even further away than me.
becky, Randle El actually looked fairly impressive, as long as they can get him the ball in the open field he'll do very well.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Skins fan and I have no fucking clue why ANYONE would TRADE for Rumph. And yes, I agree...Dan Snyder is a rumph-hole.

AwfulAnnouncing said...

UM- I was in the endzone and saw that hit coming....I went apeshit (almost ended up in the row below me), but apparently no one in my section saw it and looked at me like I was psycho. I had to get them to turn around and watch it on the jumbotron.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Can we get Mel Gibson to sing the national anthem at the next home game.

Tom Cruz said...

"My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds," said Ozmun, who became chief in January 2005. "If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to."

Captain Caveman said...

Anatomically, I believe the rumph and the meast are located quite close to each other.

The Last Unitard said...

Who's the least hideous looking? Johnson, Kitna, or Grossman?

Before you say Grossman... think about his creepy drawn-on eyebrows.

That was an enjoyable game. I particularly enjoyed it when Williams and Williams routinely penetrated into the depths of the Skins' rumph.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

The Family Stone is cockshit. I was cheering for Diane Keaton to die and put us out of our misery. That movie even ruined Rachel McCadams for me and we were supposed to be getting married in a few years.

Jamie Foxx said he's a Cowboys fan from Texas but he's got love for the Skins.

No. Not allowed.

Unsilent Majority said...

rumph and meast are second cousins of the taint.

aa, my entire section almost ended up falling into the endzone. we were going nuts, then again, i appeared to be sitting behind the seventh floor crew.

feep said...

Clearly though, you can have rumph and no meast. For example, the second game of the night, all the meast was on the SD side and all of the rumphing was being done to the Raiders... a bit of rumphing the passer, so to speak.

doug_plank said...

Was the photographer laying on the turf to get that upward angle shot of Tom "Frodo" Cruise?

The Last Unitard said...

It's not possible to pin down the location of meast. It's like a force of nature. Nobody really knows where it comes from, but if you've got it, your enemies can smell it a mile away.

The Vikings front four oozed superior meast out of every orifice and pore, causing the Redskins O-Line to submit meekly to rumph penetration.

driggity said...

Michael Vick is apparently only an effective QB at the Nike high school level.

Actually the only play we see Señor Mexico make in that commercial is a handoff to Tomlinson who then throws the game winning pass. It appears that Nike High knows how to use him better than the Falcons coaching staff does.

eirishis said...

driggity, you've got it. also note that when that play happens, the Vick-led team of NFL players is losing to high schoolers 14-10.

Becky said...

In most spots Randle El looked good (still fast as a mofo!), but damn dude, get to the down marker. Get out of bounds. These are not new goals.

(I can't help it, I'm a Lions fan, I project my negativity.)

Unsilent Majority said...

that was one of five bad spots I counted (not all on the skins side) and I was sitting in the second deck.

Larry Bird Flu said...

How has no one mentioned Portis's hair yet? I think it might be crazier than Chad Johnson's, but am willing to reconsider.

TheBigO said...

lbf, it's not really a big deal it's just a high fade, look at Shawne Merriman, Portis just had lighting bolts put on the side. It's just us setting new trends like we always do. You'll see it more and more just accept the fact that if we do it, it's cool.

mai wen said...

I was overall happy with my Vikes, although I think Childress is making a clear message by benching Smith... no more double-sided dildos for Smoot. Well, we'd better have a good season otherwise with no sex scandals the Vikes will get boring quick.

Boomer Bear said...

yeah, he had some crazy hair...

"The Bear"

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Did anyone notice that during halftime of one of the games last night that Stuart Scott used the word "ridiculous" 3 times in the span of about 15 seconds? To be honest, it was, well…ridiculous.

Larry Bird Flu said...

thebigo -- true, but it was also dyed red. It was hard to tell, but I was feeling it.

Anonymous said...

betts looked like his meast was bleeding

Bouj said...

I have no doubt that Vick was 8-23, 77 yards, and 3 picks in that HS game.

At least 6 passes 3-hopped their way to the receiver in the flat and another 6 were wide of their target by at least 3 yards.

JoSCh said...

Glad others have noticed the Mighty Hawks using Tomlinson to throw...

Vick was once asked who the best QB was from Virgina Beach (or where ever it is he's from), he said Allen Iverson. Maybe AI emulation is the root cause of the Vick bounce pass?

Anonymous said...

Black quarterbacks really suck, all of em, I know josch and bouj know what I'm sayin. They should all be wide recievers right guys??? Lets start a group called Kancel Kwarterbacks Kwickly and it's sole purpose will be to rid the NFL of black quarterbacks. How should we go about getting rid of them, I'm seeing a tree some rope............

KaLiBLeeK said...

After that last comment, is there a way to disable anonymous comments? Because that would be great.

Sean Taylor is the Ron Artest of the NFL. They threw that flag because it was Sean Taylor. Hell, I'm a Bolts fan, and Marlon McCree nailed Courtney Anderson with a forearm to the head well after the ball was nowhere near being caught...and they the refs (and the announcers) seemed to ignore it.

Anonymous said...

Bouj, Josch, Driggity, and eirishis,


Ok so you guys didn't like that name how about Kancel Kolored Kwaterbacks? Does that have a better ring to it? I'm so glad you guys spoke out, I thought I was the only one who felt like this. Are you guys from Arkansas too? Wow, this is great.

Anonymous said...

sorry, kwarterbacks. Dadgummit spellin ain't ma strong soot.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Im with "anonymous." If you don't like Vick and you point out that he can't throw, you are a racist. Q.E.D.

J.J. Gittes said...

Let's just all agree that with 75% of the NFC East dropping a deuce, the division is still even. Titfucking Eagles just don't count.

Claude Balls said...

I titfucked an Eagle once. Donovan McNabb has some serious mantitties.

The Dude said...

Personally I'd trade my quarterback, running back, two guards, a wide reciever, all three linebackers, my kicker, punter, 3 1st round picks, and a backup guy for LT, a coors light cooler, the statue of Suri's poop, and 3 minutes of the Mike Vick experience.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Maybe it's just me, but I would like to see a white quarterback succeed.

dusty said...

Good assessment of the Fuckwit known as Theeesman.

I want a log splitter,I have just the right person to try it out on..