Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Ladies And Gentlemen, The Broncs Are Burning.


You are a Broncos fan, you cannot read, this installment of Better Know A Team will be read to you.

The 2006 season is nearly underway, and to mark the moment the Random Broncos Running Back Generator has spit out rookie Mike Bell as the team's starting tailback. For those keeping track, just jot his name down next to the 1,200 rushing yards in the team's final tally. Of course, this was the same Mike Shanahan hubris that caused him to pick up the patron saint of Grey Goose, kevlar and hatchets, thinking he could turn him around. What could possibly go wrong?

Speaking of rookies, some scouts believe the Broncos first round pick Jay Cutler is a better choice because of his superior arm strength than the more highly touted quarterbacks in this year's draft, Vince Young and Matt Leinart, and really, how can anyone argue with that?

In other roster moves, one bellyaching wideout has been replaced with a scarcely more talented one. Jake Plummer has lost the porn stache and undergrowth that served him so well in imploding in the conference title game last year. So he's no longer Beardo, but he can still vote Quimby. And yes, I'm aware of the irony of quoting The Simpsons, a show that has historically drubbed the Broncos, to make a joke, so don't bother pointing that out. And yes, I realize the phrasing of the past sentence is also an allusion to The Simpsons. What do you expect from a blogger by the name of Christmas Ape? I promise by my next post I'll change my screen name to Hollow Man and drop a lot of T.S. Eliot lines*.

*Promise not legally binding

Note: Okay, so maybe we already previewed the Broncos. We don't exactly keep precise books over here. It's a freakin' blog. If it makes you feel better, think of this as "Better Know a Team... Some More!"

9 comments:

chiswede said...

"The Denver Broncos head into the 2006 with inexperienced RBs Mike Bell and Cedric Cobbs joining RB Tatum Bell in the offensive backfield. "With all due respect to the fantasy football people out there, I don't care who we have back there," Broncos general manager Ted Sundquist said. 'Our football team will rush the football. It's who we are.'"

F-you, Denver Broncos!

DougieB said...

I'm a midwest transplant to Northern Colorado, and i simply don't understand Bronco fans. At all. I saw a guy in LoDo in Denver last fall fully done up in complete orange body paint, no shirt, purple pants and scraggly beard on my way to watch Big Ten football at a local bar.

For those keeping score at home, that was a saturday morning. Which means the dude was either wandering aimlessly for the last 6 days or simply got all good and ready a solid 36 hours early.

Or he was an oompa-loompa. I suppose i always forget that possibility.

chairface chippendale said...

Scorpio!
He'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth.
Beware of Scorpio!
His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world and his employees' health.

He'll welcome you into his lair like the nobleman welcomes his guest,
with free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!

So beware of his generous pensions plus three weeks paid vacation each year.
And on Fridays, in the lunch rooms, theres hot dogs and burgers and beer!
Yes, German beer!

Anonymous said...

DougieB- for an alleged Big 10 fan, you sound suspiciously like a bleeding vagina. Certainly no fans like that exist in the midwest.

-Sammy Winder

Unsilent Majority said...

It's all been downhill since espn mag declared Cedric Cobbs "Next"

I still love the guy.

Shoopmonster said...

I am a Broncos fan *ducks* but even I have trouble keeping up with the high turnover rate of running backs. This Mike Bell guy was new to me in the middle of the training camps and I had to look up Cedric Cobbs. I'm still sad they let Portis go. This only increases as I see the massive amount of characters he can play. Although he has yet to flip off his own fans.

dusty said...

I bet Portis is glad his ass got shipped outta town. You need an excel spreadsheet to keep up.

DougieB said...

Oops. You caught me.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Awwww....the Denver Broncos?

Portis would have been the first back-to-back 2K yd rusher if he wasn't dealt. Sportin' the WWF belt during the 5 TD game against KC and threatening a holdout sealed his fate.

Denver played something like 5 straight Saturdays at the end of last year, that might be the reason super-fan was all ready to rock.

All in all a much more pleasant read than UM's insane rant.