Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Steve Irwin Memorial Meast Of The Week - Week 1


When Steve Irwin died, I wasn't all that sad because it was pretty clear that the guy was doing what he loved and not regretting a single second of it. It's like if I were to be killed while masturbating. I liked Irwin's shows a lot, except when his wife did the voice-overs. But what killed me was just how completely passionate (i.e. obsessively deranged) he was about crocodiles. When Irwin got in deep shit for calling Australian prime minister John Howard the greatest leader in the world, he responded by saying, "Oh man, politics! It's far safer on a croc farm!" You just know this guy related everything back to crocodiles.

Steve Irwin after dinner: "Boy, I sure ate a lot of shrimp, but that's nothing compared to what a two-ton crocky eats!"

Steve Irwin during a rectal exam: "You're getting in deep, doc! But not nearly as deep as the gigantic fangs of a West African croc!"

Steve Irwin after coitus: "That sex was great, love! Almost as gratifying as clamping down on a croc in the wilds of Papua-New Guinea! Say, I'm engorged again!"

I bet he wasn't even all that impressed with the stingray that killed him. "You're deadly, Mr. Stingray. But you're not as deadly as a croc, mate!" It's pretty rare you find someone so singularly dedicated. Which is why people loved Irwin, and why they've decided to murder stingrays in a wildly misguided and Michael Irvinesque attempt at revenge on the entire stingray species. I can just picture Russell Crowe's character from Romper Stomper tearing a ray's head off while screaming, "This one's for Hunter, you right cunny!"

Irwin's passion and his contagious enthusiasm makes him the perfect namesake for our new weekly award for the league's meastiest player. After all, Irwin himself probably had lots of meast going on. He wore the same pair of shorts every fucking day for two decades. The guy probably smelled like an overripe stilton from 25 meters away. And so, during the season, we'll bestow this man/beast honor upon a player whose exploits on or off the field deserve Badass recognition. The winner gets conferred honorary Meast status, plus a generous, Theismann-style dick-sucking from myself or someone else on the KSK staff.

This week's honoree is none other than Shawne Merriman of the Chargers.


Merriman had three sacks and six tackles against the Raiders on Monday Night. It's a good bet the Raiders won't win more than one game this year, but that hardly spoils the fact that Merriman treats left tackles like Sean Connery treats his wife. Shawne Merriman will sack your QB and then punch your wife right in the crotch in front of your children. He's that fearless. He'll roast a turkey for 8 hours just so he can ram it straight up your ass. He takes night classes so he can taunt QB's in seven different languages, including Flemish. He rapes rhinos. The man is scary.

So here's to you, Shawne. The KSK Meast of Week 1.

NOTE: I've decided that the word Rumph should be used as an interjection after successful anal intercourse. Sheila and I went back to my place and Rumph! Rumph! Rumph!

30 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Sean Connery's wife would have been a better draft pick than Robert Gallery.

PEPCO turns out the lights.

the dude said...

Shawne Merriman can also divide by 0, eats fire and brimstone for breakfast, and takes cortisone shots from sting rays.

RIP Steve Irwin

doug_plank said...

"It's like if I were to be killed while masturbating"

Much like fellow Aussie Michael Hutchison of INXS.

BigTDog said...

Can you rip the head off a stingray? They've got no necks.

TheBigO said...

Rumph should be the name of the award for the worst player of the week. It would probably go to the aforementioned Mr. Gallery, that tatoo is fuckin nice though.

Diablo Panochero said...

And who might be the best Theismann-style dick sucker on the KSK staff......?

TheBigO said...

Ken Hamlin could easily rip the head off of a sting-ray, but then one of the stingrays boys would probably steal on him afterwards, and then end up dead in a local park the next morning.

The Last Unitard said...

There ought to be an interjection to be used for an unsuccessful anal intercourse attempt, too.

"So, me and Steve went back to his place after we got back from the tattoo parlor and things were getting pretty hot. I was about to get my rumph on when we realized he didn't have any lube. Way to pull a Simms!"

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Rumph is too classy of a word. I vote for the worst player award to be title: The Chris Simms Balls on My Chin Award. Because lets admit it, Chris Simms sucks penis. or we can give it to a commenter...my votes for Diablo.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

When will the week's meast be Brad Meester?

Vegan Viking said...

Lisa: "You can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of 'Moby Dick.'"

Homer: "No, Lisa. The point of Moby Dick is 'Be yourself.'"

talktoazza said...

do you want to know how i know chris simms is gay? because he takes bubble baths in the team jacuzzi after games.

DiaBLO's response-- "wait...thats gay?"

BoSox Siobhan said...

You say "sucks penis" like it's a bad thing. I never got any complaints.

Satchmo said...

Michael Hutchence. Not Hutchison.

Unsilent Majority said...

wow, tonyk is a commenter!

The Angry Rant said...

Merriman's edge from all those childhood taunts about the extra 'e' at the end of his name. The creature is driven by rage.

Take the 'e' away and he turns into Mamula.

Speaking of.....

MSH said...

I'm just glad Merriman reached his full potential during his days at Maryland. I'll never forget the sight of Merriman and Vernon Davis leading the Terps onto the field in that bowl game we dominated last year. I suppose reaching that bowl game was like rumphing a dead sting ray in a barrell.

The Angry Rant said...

There probably should be a verb somewhere in that first sentence, eh? Stupid english 'rules'...

Fornelli said...

Wouldn't it make more sense to rip of the Stingray's stinger?

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

bosox-

touche

TheBigO said...

So are we to call you bosux from now on? Not tryin to clown, just askin.

BoSox Siobhan said...

With a name like "The Big O," you can call me whatever you want.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm changing my name to Mr. Big!

Christmas Ape said...

Harrumph and pishaw

LButler36 said...

mmmmm meast

swing4 said...

Hmmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about this Meast of the Week business. It kinda smacks of that stupid horse trailer gimmick. I suppose if you all promise not to sport flat-top haircuts, we'll be cool.

Also, the Connery pull was excellent.

Beban said...

If you're rewarding success and hard work, shouldn't this award really be named after the stingray?

BoSox Siobhan said...

Swing - That poor, poor feline.

JoSCh said...

Best thing about Steve I, the episode where he and the camera guy went surfing in Indo. Camera guy is in board shorts and a rash guard. Irwin, crocodile hunter outfit. Shirt and all. Maybe even the boots.

Best thing about Shawneeeee. His head. Look at the point on that bastid! Think it will be flat by the time he retires? http://www.nfl.com/players/playerpage/416752

swing4 said...

Siobhan! How can you say that? Considering the volatile nature of the lesser evolved, battery throwing Eagles fans, I think that cat is quite fortunate to be wearing protective gear around the house on game day.