Thursday, September 21, 2006

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 2

And remember, a shiny donkey to whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya...

...Oh! Which means it's time for the Meast of the Week! Last night I turned on Animal Planet to discover a one-hour, Irwin-free special on vicious African crocodiles. They showed a crocodile stalk a wild gazelle crossing a river. The croc snatched up the gazelle in his jaws and then preceded to swallow it whole. Holy fuck, that was sweet. Like an animal snuff film. They should have played "War Pigs" in the background.

These shows usually wrap footage like this up in some pretentious bullshit that this was the fierce beauty of nature. Well, I'm not that kind of person. It's time we glorified violence in the animal kingdom. So I found this YouTube clip of two crocs tearing a gazelle in half and then getting after it like Joey Porter's mastiff. You won't find better killing anywhere, I tell you! The only thing that would make this clip better is if the gazelle were replaced with a cat, or with Joe Theismann's leg, or with Paris Hilton and her worthless slut mother. And they should have had a demon voice laughing in the background, with fireballs exploding in the sky and shit. In any event, this is top quality stuff. Big hard crocs ahead!



Anyway, this clip is in honor of Jags' linebacker Mike Peterson, Week 2's meastiest player.


Peterson had 2 solo tackles and 5 assists in the Monday Night game with the Steelers. But the stat sheet sells him short. He was all over the field, treating Willie Parker like gazelle lunch meat and hitting oncoming guards harder than Jason Kidd hits his wife. Too bad he's still not a Colt. But I guess having Peyton Manning occupy 90% of your salary cap is worth it. Here's to your top notch Steeler-killing, Mike! Rumph! Rumph! Rumph!

21 comments:

flubby said...

"I didn't get a 'Rumph' out of that man."

"Give the governor a 'Rumph.'"

Christmas Ape said...

I liked our Week 1 Meast a lot better. Damn, we got Rumphed.

Captain Caveman said...

That. Was. AWESOME.

Rob I said...

I would hate to be there when he tried to pass those hooves and horns. Yee-ouch.

cecil_espy said...

The dramatic score is nice, but I would prefer some Bob Saget one-liners.

The Abstract Prosaic said...

Uh, why didn't the gazelle just exit the river after the first time it got harassed?

The pained squeak it gave when the croc finally got it (about 0:13) was kind of funny, though.

Unsilent Majority said...

rob, i've always wondered about that...and now i'm cringing

cecil_espy said...

The passing of horns and hooves would be a "reverse Rumph" of sorts.

Gland Jupiter said...

I'm sorry, but wasn't that footage of Jerome Bettis and William Perry discovering Madden's Turducken?

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Man, that video will make me think twice the next time I feel like jumping into a croc-filled pond.

Gland Jupiter said...

For anyone curious as to what a little asian guy would look like with his arm in a crocodile's mouth when it's doing one of those spin moves: http://www.thatlitevideosite.com/video/1190

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

jupiter- Ouch. Normally, I think stuff like that is funny. You know, because it's painful and is happening to someone else.

But that was horrific.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

They never let me play on the pro tour

Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?

Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off!

Gland Jupiter said...

Yeah, probably should have given some type of heads up on that one. Sorry about that.

On the bright side, no crocodiles were harmed during the filming of that video.

Roy Hobbs said...

Drew, should Gazelle be added to the list of allowed/rated foods for Sunday football watching?

By the way, I think I just ordered Joshua and the WOPR to launch their missiles at Russia with the word verification game.

TheBigO said...

This just in, the term pick6 is officially gay. The new term to be used for an interception returned for a touchdown is 'house call'. As in "Goddamn Ed Redd just made a spectacular interception and house call" or "wow, when did D lineman start making house calls??"

Thank you.

TheBigO said...

* Reed *

Hollywood Wags said...

Couldn't they at least cook it first?

(as he rips off a piece of rotissiere chicken with his hands)

Fornelli said...

Who would win in a fight?

That crocodile or Joey Porter's pit bull?

Suss & The Family Stone said...

"I got you this half-digested gazelle carcass!"

JoSCh said...

Why did the big croc let the little croc have half? Pussy.