Friday, September 22, 2006

Always Be Covering...Week 3

Welcome to the latest edition of the ABC’s of Degenerate Gambling. Are you interested? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk. You cover or you hit the bricks. Each week I’ll highlight a selection of games that I find particularly enticing for some reason.

While I may (or may not) be a confirmed genius this remains a humor site. Anybody that takes my advice too seriously deserves the fate of Tessie Hutchinson.

What a turnaround this should be from Week 2. Last Sunday was all about double digit lines and generally crappy football games. This week should test our mettle, lots of tight lines a shitload of early must wins. You won't see me risking my money on games like Carolina/Tampa because I have no idea which one "wants it more" (unless the "it" in question is a backrub from Ronde...then I'd take Simms and co.). Instead I'm sticking with what I know to be true.

Chicago -3 @ Minnesota
If you haven't been betting heavily on the Bears already you're already playing from behind. However it's not too late (seriously...stop crying and get that bookie on the phone). The Vikings are destined for fall akin to Roy Anderson after Pam dumped his box-hauling ass.

St. Lou +4.5 @ Buzzsaw
I'm not a huge fan of this game but that line just feels like it's off by two points. How is Arizona going to stop Stephen Jackson? I'd be surprised if they could contain Latoya. I'll probably end up teasing this with the over when it's all said and done.

Denver @ New England -6.5
We've got three great things going for us in this game. As you may remember I have an affinity for 6.5 point lines. Throw in other variables like "Patriots playing at home" and "Jake Plummer " and it becomes pretty clear. The Pats are going to wax Shanny's bitches before they can sweep the leg. (this is all void if Shanny grows a pair and yanks Plummer before halftime).

Crackmore -6.5 @ Cleveland
Is Vegas serious? If I were a bookie (I'M NOT) I wouldn't even take action on this game. Cleveland hasn't been able to move the ball with consistency and the Ravens D is back at their peak. I know Ed Reed and Ray Lewis have to show love to Winslow because of the U connection but I'm sure they'll leave him searching for...HUGH!!!

Philly -6 @ San Fran
They've gotta stop giving these spunky road dogs so much damn credit. After last week's debacle I fully expect Donovan to "pick up every stitch" and finish off these Nazis before halftime (and this time they'll stay finished off). After watching Frank Gore rise out of the ashes like a Phoenix I expect to see him fall back to Earth faster than the Challenger against Philly's front seven.

Atlanta -3 @ New Orleans (IN NEW ORLEANS!!!!)
Even Ray Nagin thinks this line is a bit soft. Yeah the Saints have been awesome and it's great to see them playing well. I can't wait to see them take the piss-soaked field and play their hearts out for the faithful fans (even that shithead Archie "Joseph of Nazareth" Manning). None of this takes away from the fact that Atlanta is far more talented all over the field. Am I really supposed to believe that Brees and Bush are going to play above themselves because the game is in New Orleans? Fuck that, this is football not fucking baseball.

Wow, I just made light of Katrina, the Challenger tragedy, and Jesus Christ in the same paragraph...I've gotta fit all these in before Yom Kippur.

That's all for me this week, I'm sure somebody will be around to entertain you on Sunday (like you need any more entertainment you greedy motherfuckers). I'll be out of contact but you'll be in my prayers (not really). Now I'm off to gorge myself on Apples and Honey!

L'Shana Tova


Big Daddy Drew said...

The Vikings are destined for fall akin to Roy Anderson after Pam dumped his box-hauling ass.

2-0 beats 0-2, fuckwad.

Mike said...

What? Nothing on Giants @ Seattle (-3.5)? One would think there is something funny about the G-Men bitching about the noise in Qwest Field.

Unsilent Majority said...

why bet on a game between two good teams when you can bet against Denver and Cleveland for just 3 points more?

everybody (including the wwl's ombudsman) has complained about the noise at FedEx, it's a part of the game.

epsknows said...

L'Shana Tova right back at you UM. Seriously, is there a way to keep the apples from oxidizing before the honey once sliced?

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

so it's all good to drink on rosh hashanah, right? i gotta hit services before tailgating the UW/UCLA game.

ajsmith said...

OK, how many points do I have to lay to bet "no one" vs. Oakland during their bye week?

Seriously though, a question...

I'm in a very big suicide pool (OK, it's huge... like more than 500 ppl, with a triple digit entry fee, winner take all). At some point in these pools you gotta take some crappy teams, and if you do it early (maybe before those teams really, really know how crappy they are) there's a huge advantage heading down the stretch against guys who've already used all of the good teams.

So this week, I'm thinking Detroit... maybe the only game they'll be favored all year. But my question is... if Cleveland gets beaten up pretty good vs. Baltimore this week (and my bookie can assure you that I expect that to happen) is it absurd or genius to think about using the Raiders - coming off their bye and without the albatross of trying to carry Aaron "backwards pass" Brooks -- at home next week vs. the Brownstains... Couldn't their defense win that game alone? And if they can pull off maybe their only win of the year -- before, I'm assuming, the entire squad quits on Shell(shocked) and his staff -- I get to hit week five having already used two teams that no one is going to be able to use all season.

Any suggestions?

C. said...

Unless the Raiders scored a touchdown somewhere in those first two weeks that I didn't see, it's absurd.

Although the line for that game would be interesting...

BigTDog said...

Frankly I didn't like any of the games this week for suicide (I've already burned B'more and Arizona). All the matchups seem to be undefeated vs. undefeated or winless vs. winless.

That being said, I'm taking the Pats...

Survive and advance.
(although I do appreciate your extra strategizing due to the sheer size of your pool)

ajsmith said...

Yeah, it's a brutal week for suicide pools. I've burnt Philly and Baltimore, and it'd be nice if Daunte C throws about 6 pics to the Titans this week, since half my pool is on the Fish.

Good luck with the Pats, though they scare me since Denver is the one team that seems to have their number a little.

And Shana Tova to all of my degenerate tribesmen.

Unsilent Majority said...

i've used zona and bmore, i'm taking miami ocer tenn.

Otto Man said...

That's my suicide pick, too. I'm not crazy about the Phins, but the Titans couldn't win a powderpuff football game against a girl's dorm team this weekend.

Otto Man said...

Wait a sec, my last two suicide picks were Arizona and Baltimore too. We're three for three here.

I really hope I'm not some kind of Tyler Durden alterego for UM. It would suck to be a figment of someone's imagination.

epsknows said...

Im still in suicide pool with Baltimore this week.

Oh and my Rabbi today sermonized about 20 somethings being the "me" generation, he went on about a woman on a cell phone while placing an order at starbucks and her lack of caring about other people. This from the guy who now has an assistant rabbi that leads the service with him only sermonizing.

I think Rabbi's use the Simmons column generator for their sermons.

Long live the Tribe on KSK!

Chairface Chippendale said...

So here I am, in Brookyln, watching the Giants game.

I can hear Cap Caveman laughing. I'm sure of it. It's echoing off the brownstones around me.

Stop laughing, god dammit.