Thursday, September 7, 2006

Live from a dive in Pittsburgh

Note to Captain Caveman: the paperwork about my KSK expense account must have gotten lost by the courier since I never heard anything back from the home office. I told you guys, I don't have a real job and it took all of my cash just to get to Pittsburgh. Christ, I have to sell my blood just to afford my crappy dial-up internet. Where the hell are you guys?

I want to see if Pittsburgh fans are really the misanthropic fucktards that they appear to be on television. Undaunted by the aforementioned lack of an expense account, I took it upon myself to strike up a deal with the barkeep-- a fifty-something hose-beast who looks like she probably went down on half of the Steel Curtain back in the day. In a good light she looks like the Swamp Thing; in a bad light, kind of like Susan Sarandon.

Anyhoo, I told Elvira, with no small amount of self-importance, that if she took care of my bar tab, I would see that her establishment would be featured prominently in the most sardonic NFL blog on the internet. By the time I what explained what "sardonic," "blog," and "internet" means, it came as little suprise when she told me they didn't take credit cards, checks or the word of some "faggoty little writer."

Looks like I am going to have to make my final $12 last. Surely once the hardcore Steeler fans get here, they will have read my Browns preview from the other day (I hear they think dog-fucking-stuffed-animal videos are hi-larious), and I will be feted like a conquering hero. Until then, I'll nurse this Iron City. I hope Drew or UM returns one of the dozens of messages I've left in the last hour. It smells like fish in here.

13 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

$12? In Pittsburgh you could buy a decent condo for that. Just ask Sombrero Man

Fornelli said...

I'll bet she'd pay your tab orally. Don't be shy, just ask!

Fornelli said...

I forgot to include "let you" between she'd and pay.

But hey, try it without the let you first, maybe you'll get lucky.

Joe Hachem said...

The guy on the right looks like Grey Raymer

jester0165 said...

i was thinking horatio sanz, but sure greg raymer works

apostles03 said...

I'd bet the bar wench $12 double or nothing that you cab fit her whole left tit in your mouth, if I were you.

swing4 said...

"The guy on the right looks like Grey Raymer"

"i was thinking horatio sanz, but sure greg raymer works"

Oh sure, the anonymous commenter is totally down with jokes where all fat guys look alike, but I make a comment about fastidious bowtie-wearers and I'm the bigoted asshole. *tosses up hands while sighing*

BoSox Siobhan said...

Me too, Swing. Apparently, I don't care about black people either, my dating history notwithstanding.

Unsilent Majority said...

Siobhan is the Lisa Lampanelli of the sports blogosphere. Only she doesn't look like an ill-tempered mare.

Tim Johnson said...

Man, you guys are totally fucking funny. No, really. Let's see how funny you are with a hit steaming shit on your pillow.

Tim Johnson said...

Hot, goddamit. HOT. STEAMING. SHIT. On your pillow.

Tim Johnson said...

Know what one could buy for $12, UM? Yeah, I think you do.

The 26th Man said...

No, the guy on the right is Don Vito.