Wednesday, September 6, 2006

If You Don't Like The NFL, We Hate You - The KSK 2006 NFL Kickoff Bukkake


The NFL offseason ends today, and not a moment too soon. I've spent way too much time the past eight months thinking about worthless shit like God, war, and my responsibilities as a new father. All I've wanted to think about in that time (besides hot monkey banging) is the NFL, even if some douchebags would like to bitch at me for daring to do so. Fuck that. I know I'm not alone here. Why, just ask James Gardner of Upper St. Clair, PA, whose wife gave birth on a freeway with the help of a neighbor because he was too busy watching a Steelers preseason game. Is that having your priorities straight? Fuck and yes.

There are two sports in America. There's the NFL, and then there's everything else. The NFL laps the field. It's the biggest sport on Earth (NOTE: I consider America the only useful part of Earth). Thanks to fantasy football, gambling, and clever GEICO ads, the NFL has managed to turn people into fans of every team, not just their own. It's true. I'm a Vikings fan. But I'm also an NFL fan. I follow every team and every single game, largely because it gives me a golden opportunity to drink myself into a blithering stupor. You know that one Budweiser frog that says "errrrr"? Based on me. True story.

I know lots of people think the first weekend of the NCAA tournament is the greatest time in sport. But, if you have DirecTV, the NFL is like that EVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY. And that is... well, it's good. It's very good. Almost spankworthy.

I don't care enough about other sports to get as excited. College football has a bowl system that you'd be embarrassed to explain to a foreigner. Baseball has no cheerleaders. College basketball has Dick Vitale ready to telegenically molest you at a moment's notice. Golf is gay. NASCAR is for inbred pigfuckers. Hockey plays so many games the least injured team wins by default. Soccer is for pussies. And pro basketball features more people walking than a Centrum Silver ad. Fuck them all in the pants.

So today, we celebrate the return of the NFL and spit upon the lesser sports of the globe. Today, KSK unveils our GameDay Live Report Bukkake Team. All seven KSK mafia members are stationed live in Pittsburgh as we speak ready to report on all of today's NFL kickoff ceremonies. Who knows, we may even run into Rascal Flatts, whoever those fuckbumpkins are. Or perhaps we'll go for a couple yards of awkwardness with legendary rap monotone and crummy award show host Diddy. We may even finish our team previews on time (don't bet on it). Anything can happen. Because the 2006 NFL season is finally here, and the road to Super Bowl goes through KSK's wringer of douchebaggery for the very first time.

Let's get our Goose on.

20 comments:

Bert said...

Let's light this candle!!!

I can not wait for tonight!

Arenas Is God said...

Can I cum (no homo)?!

James said...

Umm..Baseball has added cheerleaders, at least some clubs have.

max bada said...

Yes, James. The Padres added Mike Piazza this off season.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Golf is not gay...NASCAR, however, is most definitely for inbred pig-fuckers.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Off topic, but if anyone's interested in joining a keeper FF league, send me an email.

We had a guy bail on us, and we're scrambling to get 12 teams.

You can find a link to my email addy in my profile. Thanks.

epsknows said...

"Time to kick the tires and light the fires Big Daddy" on this season

epsknows said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BigTDog said...

Thanks Drew. Now I'm all fired up to start tailgating at work at this moment.

Anonymous said...

"(NOTE: I consider America the only useful part of Earth)."


Written like a true red blooded American douchebag.

Anonymous said...

"(NOTE: I consider America the only useful part of Earth)."


Written like a true red blooded American douchebag.

irishcharlie said...

Written like a true red blooded American douchebag.

And you double-posted your message like a true fumble-thumbed fucktard.

And jingoistic Americans are not douchebags. They are dickheads.

Anonymous said...

I posted it twice on purpose you Englishmans bitch.

AwfulAnnouncing said...

Haha...the anonymous terrorists are attacking KSK now too. Look out for the mafia.

S.S.S. said...

SHIT, FUCK, SHIT, FUCK, SHIT, FUck, SHIT!!!

sorry, I'm excited....

Tom4 said...

I'd be more excited about tonight's game if the two teams involved didn't make me wanna claw my eyeballs out. Besides, I don't want to have to watch a game where the most commented on player is one who isn't playing. Fuck that shit.

Now Saints/Browns on Sunday, that's a game you can set your watch to.

TheStarterWife said...

Wow. The 'Burb of my youth got a shout out.

Anonymous said...

Drew, you forgot to mention that the NFL also leads the world in pre-game and half-time choreographed faggotry.

sallypierre said...

hope they don't have a musical number at halftime unless it involves naked man parts--pink singing shit was bad on the ears and eyes.

Anonymous said...

Try to explain the bowl system to a foreigner? Maybe rethink that one. They'll have a lot easier time understanding that than a single-elimination playoff in which a team who's not even among the ten best can walk away with all the glory. Not saying it sucks, but maybe let your NFL boner go down a little.