The NFL offseason ends today, and not a moment too soon. I've spent way too much time the past eight months thinking about worthless shit like God, war, and my responsibilities as a new father. All I've wanted to think about in that time (besides hot monkey banging) is the NFL, even if some douchebags would like to bitch at me for daring to do so. Fuck that. I know I'm not alone here. Why, just ask James Gardner of Upper St. Clair, PA, whose wife gave birth on a freeway with the help of a neighbor because he was too busy watching a Steelers preseason game. Is that having your priorities straight? Fuck and yes.
There are two sports in America. There's the NFL, and then there's everything else. The NFL laps the field. It's the biggest sport on Earth (NOTE: I consider America the only useful part of Earth). Thanks to fantasy football, gambling, and clever GEICO ads, the NFL has managed to turn people into fans of every team, not just their own. It's true. I'm a Vikings fan. But I'm also an NFL fan. I follow every team and every single game, largely because it gives me a golden opportunity to drink myself into a blithering stupor. You know that one Budweiser frog that says "errrrr"? Based on me. True story.
I know lots of people think the first weekend of the NCAA tournament is the greatest time in sport. But, if you have DirecTV, the NFL is like that EVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY. And that is... well, it's good. It's very good. Almost spankworthy.
I don't care enough about other sports to get as excited. College football has a bowl system that you'd be embarrassed to explain to a foreigner. Baseball has no cheerleaders. College basketball has Dick Vitale ready to telegenically molest you at a moment's notice. Golf is gay. NASCAR is for inbred pigfuckers. Hockey plays so many games the least injured team wins by default. Soccer is for pussies. And pro basketball features more people walking than a Centrum Silver ad. Fuck them all in the pants.
So today, we celebrate the return of the NFL and spit upon the lesser sports of the globe. Today, KSK unveils our GameDay Live Report Bukkake Team. All seven KSK mafia members are stationed live in Pittsburgh as we speak ready to report on all of today's NFL kickoff ceremonies. Who knows, we may even run into Rascal Flatts, whoever those fuckbumpkins are. Or perhaps we'll go for a couple yards of awkwardness with legendary rap monotone and crummy award show host Diddy. We may even finish our team previews on time (don't bet on it). Anything can happen. Because the 2006 NFL season is finally here, and the road to Super Bowl goes through KSK's wringer of douchebaggery for the very first time.
Let's get our Goose on.