Friday, September 15, 2006

Always Be Covering...Week 2

Welcome to the latest edition of the ABC’s of Degenerate Gambling. Are you interested? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk. You cover or you hit the bricks. Each week I’ll highlight a selection of games that I find particularly enticing for some reason.

While I may (or may not) be a confirmed genius this remains a humor site. Anybody that takes my advice too seriously deserves the fate of Tessie Hutchinson.

Earlier this week Captain Caveman decided to remind me of last week’s 1-3 record...mocking ensued. I felt I should set the record straight so that our readers don’t misunderstand my picks; I didn’t actually bet on the Houston Texans, obviously I bet on the Illadelph. From now I’ve decided to take these picks a little bit more seriously. This way you the reader can follow the follies of some of my actual wagers throughout the season.

Week 2 can be both fun and profitable if you stay sensible. Remember that this is the week when both Vegas (Costa Rica) and their customers can get caught overreacting to last weeks results. There are a lot of double digit lines out there, each one offers an opportunity for exploitation (and that’s what the NFL is all about!) Let’s do this...

Tennessee @ Whale’s Vagina -12
San Diegans (Diegites?) have to be thrilled with their reversal of fortune. Last year their beloved Bolts only missed out on the playoffs because of a brutal schedule. This year they get to open up with two of the sorriest piece of shit teams in the league. The motherfucking Jets lit up the Tennessee defense, I’m pretty sure Phillip Rivers saw tougher units in the ACC. I just wish I could lay a side bet on the odds of the measty Shawne Merriman driving Kerry Collins back to the bottle. How great would that be? As you may recall, Kerry wasn’t an angry drunk so much as he was a racist drunk. Now that could start a much more interesting quarterback controversy.
New England -6.5 @ Pine Barrens
New England is not as bad as they appeared last week. Deion Branch is officially out of the picture so perhaps now Mr. Brady can pull his head out of his overly-sensitive ass. Without Jon Abraham the Jets pass rush is weaker than Coach Mangina’s willpower at a buffet. As for the offense, anybody who thinks Chad Pennington will throw for over 300 yards with 2 touchdowns in a win against a real team is delusional.

New Orleans -3 @ Brett Favre
Call me crazy but I don’t see Favre bouncing back from last week’s apocalyptic foreshadowing. In the past Favre could have taken a sandlot team onto the field and beaten the Saints like some sort of twirling rain storm. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to see Deuce and Bush (they should fight crime!) go over the 100 yard barrier.

Western Missouri @ Denver -11
Truthfully I have no idea where Kansas City lies in relation to St. Louis...and I don’t really give a shit. Not only is Damon Huard a crappy quarterback by NFL standards, he’s a crappy quarterback by the Huard family standards. As little respect as I might have for the Broncos even they can’t fuck up this plum opportunity. The Chiefs will surely force LJ the ball as often as humanly possible, this will result in 8 man fronts, a soiled diaper, and a teary-eyed Herm Edwards.

That’s all for this week, underdogs are for bitches.


flubby said...

I like Minnesota getting a point at home against the Smith-less Panthers. I also like shiny objects and the lesser works of Scott Baio.

The Dude said...

Where's Brock Huard when you need him.

doug_plank said...

Bears laying 8.5 against the pantless Lions.


I don't know if even I would lay cash on that.

Even though the Bears win 16-6.


JoSCh said...

FYI, both NFL cities in Misery have been slowly creeping into their nearest adjacent state for years now. Some dark night in the near future Misery will be sans pro football, mark it down.

Unsilent Majority said...

kc is harder to find on a map than Paulie's missing bruno magli's

Engineer Sighted said...

I'm not sure how cool the twirling rain storm bit was.

Unsilent Majority said...

sorry about that...let me clarify. By twirling rain storm i mean hurricane.