Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Drew Rosenhaus


In light of TO's recent suicide attempt (which I think probably isn't a first for him, just like I think Paris Hilton is on her 345th abortion), I had a chance to sit down EXCLUSIVELY and "chat" with Drew Rosenhaus, TO's agent and minion of both Satan and Elton John.

Big Daddy Drew: So, he's gay, right? You don't just swallow 40 of anything without a little practice.
Drew Rosenhaus: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: One pill makes you larger. And one pill makes you small. Why didn't 40 pills make TO dead?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: I haven't been this disappointed at a failed suicide since Natalie Portman cut her wrists in Heat. Why does TO insist on aggravating the general public like this?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you find it shady that white pills were used to potentially kill a black man? Scoop Jackson does.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Your book is called A Shark Never Sleeps. Were you sleeping during the suicide attempt? I bet you were.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: More gratifying potential suicide: TO or the U. of Miami football program?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you think this will inspire copycat suicides by other selfish assholes?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Has Gary Smith been contacted to write the follow up article on this yet?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: How often do you expect the word "demons" to be used by Mike Greenberg this month? 70,000? A million?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: The ghost of Marshall Applewhite says TO isn't a team player. Agree or disagree?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Okay, so TO isn't dead. But what if we were to bag and kill Mike Lupica to make up for it? Wouldn't that be a good idea? I fucking hate Mike Lupica.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you think TO did it because his Dad told him he was going to Harvard and becoming a doctor?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Or because Stanley Kowalski raped him?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Michael Irvin say heesa like da TO so whyy people be makin funny bout it?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Drew, thanks for taking time out to not talk to us.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

4 comments:

Dweeze said...

Brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant. But why didn't you ask him if he would consider kissing you?

Unsilent Majority said...

because drew knew that answer, rosenhaus loves the big guys

The Angry Rant said...

So that's what nacho cheese Doritos look like splattered across my monitor.

Thanks, BDD - I haven't laughed that hard since I found out Shawne Merriman was named Meast of the Week.

S-Love said...

"Or because Stanley Kowalski raped him?"

I hope his old admirer, Shep Huntley, comes to visit him in the hospital.