Friday, September 22, 2006

He who cannot lie does not know what the truth is

The football world is all atwitter with the burgeoning feud between Titans coach Jeff Fisher and his former Clipboard Assistant Billy Volek (wouldn't people take him seriously if he were named William?) . After shipping him out of town Fisher took place in an impromptu interview with a small gathering of local media. Firstly, I've never heard a coach speak so frankly about a player before. This just confirms my theory that if players and coaches said what they truly thought of one another through the media we'd be laughing too hard to watch any actual football.

What's important here is that Fisher claims that Volek lied to him (FOR SHAME!). Of course after spending 10 minutes ripping on Volek Fisher decided to clam up about the lie in question. Now we've learned that the mighty Chris Mortensen (FROM!: El Camino College?) knows a little secret. Yes, Mort knows full well of the lie in question but he (ESPN bosses) has decided to sit on his precious secret until he can unveil it to the world on NFL Countdown. Obviously we here at KSK don't have the patience to twiddle our thumbs until then (fuckin' ADD), instead we've decided to take an educated guess as to what could so offended the tenured coach. As always we welcome you, the loyal reader, to chime in with your own theories...no matter how homoerotic they may be.

1. Volek convinced Fisher that he was a viable starting quarterback.

2. Volek and Fisher were at the craps table in the offseason when the clipboard jockey decided to fuck with his coach. Fisher couldn't see very well (what with the sunglasses and all) so he asked Volek to call out the numbers. After rolling a hard four the quarterback told Fisher that he'd actually rolled an easy eight, $100,000 later their relationship was no more.

3. Volek told the police that Fisher took liberties with a young fan and his Flat Stanley doll.

4. Volek convinced Fisher that a mustache could never make him look like a low-rent gay pornstar

5. Volek tricked Fisher into eating a bowl of chili made from the ground up remains of his parents making him cry like a little girl.

Now we look to you, the reader. If you think you can guess the lie feel free to take a shot. If you're right you'll always have something to put on your resume.

Update: We're being told that Volek mixed lobster meat into Fisher's scrambled eggs...I didn't even know he was Jewish.

30 comments:

Otto Man said...

Volek insisted he could believe it wasn't butter.

Big Jim Slade said...

Didn't they say on Sportscenter last night that Volek told Fisher he couldn't make it to a pre-season workout because he was "out of town" when he, in fact, was in town?

Or maybe Pacey said it Dawson. Jeez, it's only week 3 and already I can't keep up with Goodell's Creek!

Unsilent Majority said...

i missed sportscenter...perhaps volek and fisher happened to show up at the same diner when volek was supposed to be out of town.

Claude Balls said...

Given how angry Fisher is, it must have been a big lie. As we all know, there are Three Big Lies. Let's look at them:

1. "The check is in the mail."

Why would Volek need to send Fisher money by mail? If Volek owed Fisher money, it would be a cash transaction. Not likely.

2. "I'm from the government; I'm here to help you."

Volek doesn't work for the government, so this one is definitely out.

3. "Don't worry baby, I won't come in your mouth."

Bingo.

Unsilent Majority said...

ding ding ding!
i think number 3 might be the leader in the clubhouse.

burma jones said...

The lie:

...trust me, if you'll just relax, it'll start to feel good in a second...



What are the two biggest broken retard promises?

The check's in your mouth
I wont come in the mail.

(Remember when this was a polak joke?)

Big Daddy Drew said...

Cause I'm a liar!
Yeah I'm a liar!
I'll tear your mind out!
I'll burn your soul!
I'll turn you into me!
I'll turn you into me!
Cause I'm a liar! A liar! A liar! A liar!

Awful Chief said...

No no...we don't need to use one. I'm like totally clean.

Rob I said...

Since the blog post writer's name appears at the end and not the beginning of the entry, my new favorite game is "Guess the KSK Post Author". I guessed correctly for this one.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive!

Unsilent Majority said...

Henry Rollins went to my highschool.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

1. Volek convinced Fisher that he was a viable starting quarterback.

Even Jeff Fisher isn't that gullible.


Volek told Fisher he stopped eating asparagus and it would taste better. What a liar!

Basshole said...

Claude's balls: I was thinking along the same lines, but I always thought lie #2 was "Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

A.R.P. said...

The Colts have WMDs and links to Al Qaeda. I'm so ronery, please put me under center.

Disposed Eagles Fatty Hank Fraley went to my high school.

the dude said...

Volek also convinced Radiohead to tell Fisher he isn't cool.

Claude Balls said...

b-hole

My father is a Republican.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Volek convinced Fisher not to take the banker's deal and see what was in his case. And that Howie Mandell could launch his career.

Big Al said...

Mary Chapin Carpenter went to my high school

Claude Balls said...

Sam Champion jerked off other guys in the back of the auditorium at my high school.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Michael McCrary went to my high school. His parents lived across the street from me growing up. I use to play ball with his house keeper and his dad got me into golf. Nothing I've said has any relevance to anything....wanna fight about it?

Gland Jupiter said...

"I PROMISE, Jeff, just the tip, just to see how it feels."

Matt Dillon gave a girl I went to high school with crabs.

8hrdrive said...

"There was dolphin in this tuna?"

Senor Beavis said...

Is that Tom Cochrane in that first picture? Maybe Volek tried to tell Fisher that life, in fact, is not a highway.

Lots of lawyers went to my high school.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

I would like to think that he told him that contrary to what Huey Lewis may have said, it is not hip to be square. Life and learn I suppose.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Live and learn*

Damnit, i suck.

He manTooth said...

I went to my high school.

A.R.P. said...

Or that the heart of rock and roll is in Wheaton? It most certainly is not.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Or maybe that it does indeed take money, change, AND a credit card to ride on this train. But hey, that, my friend, is the power of love.

I know way too many Huey Lewis tunes. Stupid 80's.

Unsilent Majority said...

Huey Lewis??? I thought you guys were talking about Huey Newton!

ajsmith said...

Fisher: Swear you didn't do it.

Volek: I swear.

Fisher: Really swear?

Volek: I told you I didn't touch her.

Fisher: Pinky swear?

Volek: C'mon coach, who you gonna believe, me, or your slut wife?

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

In the same way that I feel it necessary to always bring up Lawrence Taylor-related leg disfigurement whenever Joe Theeeezman's name is bandied about, I think it's important to note here that Jeff Fisher's career (as a kick returner no less) was ended by a nasty special teams hit by....

Bill Cowher.

Hey Jeff, are you just saying that because Bill Cowher totally fucking destroyed your leg and you're trying to divert attention from that (and your team sucking balls) by rippin Billy Volek? Huh coach? Remember when he broke your leg? You didn't get to play in the Super Bowl, much less dance the Super Bowl Shuffle. Hey, remember that?