Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Cardinals name Leinart starter, Warner blames Jesus

Since his brief glory days with the St. Lunatics, Kurt Warner has handled more clipboards than Office Depot. Sadly, Kurt is making yet another trip to the supply closet. Denny Green has tapped 2-guard impregnator Matt Leinart to be the new starting QB for the Arizona Cardinals. The move was widely anticipated after Warner was booed off the field Sunday. Seriously, how bad do you have to suck to disappoint fans whose expectations are already lower than Vince Young's Wonderlic?

The Cardinals have finally realized that, their best hopes notwithstanding, Warner has nothing left in the tank. After this season, Warner, a two-time NFL MVP, Super Bowl MVP and Cedar Falls' Hy-Vee April 1994 Employee of the Month, can expect Arizona to give him a pink slip-- which he will promptly mishandle and drop.

"I wonder if the Amsterdam Admirals are still around?"
(Photo: Lyle Whitworth)

Update: Apparently, Chris Mortenson's snitch is feeding his some bad information. Warner is still the starter. For now. The sound you hear is Will Leitch banging his head against the wall screaming "THIS BUZZSAW NEEDS A NEW BLADE!!!"

9 comments:

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

I chalk this up to the curse of appearing on the cover of Kurt Warner Arena football.

http://images.rottentomatoes.com/images/games/coverg/90/601490.jpg

the dude said...

Straight-laced good guy Kurt Warner gets benched behind a fornicating Hollywood pretty boy. Karma's a B isn't it.

Red Line said...

New Cardinals stadium naming rights were purchased by the University of Phoenix. I'm not sure why, but I love this.

Unsilent Majority said...

It fits perfectly

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Sport lovers all over suspect Warner was forsaken while Jesus was watching the Bucs/Panthers game and making sure Steve Smith caught balls.

He likes Smith the best because he ACKNOWLEDGES GOD EVERY FUCKING TIME HE CATCHCHES THE STUPID BALL.

Claude Balls said...

Don't feel bad for Kurt. Once the Cardinals release him, he finally will be able to spend every waking hour for the rest of his life with the lovely Brenda Warner.

Is it a coincidence that a comment mentioning Brenda Warner requires me to type "uglxj" to post?

thirdstringjd said...

I'm not theology student but I think in the press conference after Sunday's game Kurt should have looked to the skies and said -- "Jesus wouldn't have been able to hold onto the ball either."

This particular line is wrong on so many levels that I'll just back away slowly.

feep said...

As a side note, Chris Simm's spleen will be listed as the starting QB for the Bucs. Gruden noted that the team had no other options, so they went with the best possible option.

eirishis said...

Dude, don't every say "2-guard impregnator"...I know what you mean now, but at first I thought you mean that Leinart had planted his man seed into a pair of his linemen.