Thursday, September 7, 2006

More from Pittsburgh: Nothing Surprising Has Happened

This town is really amazing. Pittsburgh is fully decked out in black and gold -- even the animals are caught up in football fever. Dogs, cats, and unemployed young men roam the streets in Steelers gear. Everyone looks ready for the game.

Well, almost everyone. I saw this one old woman with blue-ish hair, and Joey Porter shoved her into traffic, yelling at her for being a Dolphins fan. Then he went into an alley where a stray cat was nursing a litter of adorable kittens, and he stomped them all to death with his heavy-soled boots. Then he defecated on the bodies, slashed his wrist with a broken bottle, and drank his own blood.

Passersby stopped to applaud.

7 comments:

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Unemployed young men. I think the "unemployed" is redundant in this case.

Christmas Ape said...

Santonio Holmes just doesn't like kittens. And he'll stomp your ass too, given the chance.

City of Denver said...

Hey Joey, who shot ya?

whowillsexmutombo? said...

You can't go anywhere with Joey Porter. He keeps stopping to fuck the street lights and buildings. It's weird. But impressive.

BigTDog said...

Talent Agent: So what does this linebacking corps call itself?

Joey Porter: The Aristocrats!!!

Unsilent Majority said...

bigt, that's perfect

denver, some guy at a wizards game was a little upset when i said that to andrey blatche (from 5 feet away)

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

UM, I was screaming it at him during pre-game warm-ups at the AFC title game. He shot me the middle finger.