Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Is It Too Early to Mourn? Is It Too Late to Ride?

Anybody who spends a fair ammount of time around here is familiar with my uncompromising love of the Washington Redskins. They are like family, they are the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. There's no doubt that I invest far too much passion into the team, but I have my reasons. All the torture is worthwhile for the one moment when everything clicks into place and all is right in the world (just like alcoholism).

It is this passion that has driven me to write an open letter to the team that means way too much to me. Sadly i feel a bit like Jerry Maguire right now, I'm about to tell the complete truth for the very first time...by the way, I fucking hate Tom Cruise and Danny can't change that. While this letter is directed to the team it should also resonate with fans and critics alike. Simply put, it couldn't be more "open" if it were matched up in single coverage with Kenny Wright.

To My Last Dutchess,

Gentlemen, it's time to be completely honest with ourselves, we're in trouble. I'm sick and tired of hearing the pros and cons Al Saunders' alleged 700 page playbook. The next time our friend Steve Czaban so much as mentions it on the radio I will drive my car into the Potomac (I'm scared of Anacostia). Granted it's a complex offense but it's not that great a departure from what we tried (and often failed) to do in the recent past. I have complete faith in the system as a whole, to me the problem here is trust. The coaching staff doesn't trust the quarterback and the quarterback doesn't trust himself; all of this is warranted.

Mark Brunell seems like a good guy and in the past he's been a good quarterback. That being said, he's a fucking shell of an NFL quarterback and at this point he's outlived his usefulness like a Jesus loving version of Barbaro. We knew this time was coming when Chris Berman upstaged Paul Tagliabue and Jason Campbell became one of us.

The only reason Brunell is still our quarterback is because of our playoff expectations. Obviously our chances for success aren't going to be that high with an untested de facto rookie running the team. What's recently become obvious is that we aren't doing shit with Brunell (who's beginning to remind me of a Dennis Quaid character...only less talented). No team can ever be successful with a quarterback who lacks the arm and the balls to rocket the ball over he middle (he's like the anti-Tek Jansen). Now we just need the brilliant and stubborn coaching staff to man-up and make the switch. I think we all know what last year would have been like if Coach Gibbs had let Ramsey waste another season.

Of course not everything can be placed on Brunell's decrepit shoulders. Both weeks the defense has shown flashes of the brilliance we all expected following last year's top ten ranking. It's just too bad that this unit will continue to suffer from a lack of depth, a healthy dose of stupidity, and two weak links. Our two big offseason additions to the defense were Adam Archuletta and Andre Carter. That probably could have worked out better.

Arch is measty against the run but any time he drops into coverage I feel like we're about to get Rumphed. We're gonna have to cover for his shortcomings which means Sean needs to stop decapitating people via face mask long enough to cover somebody (he's either crazy or stupid but it scares TO...and me).

Andre, you're another matter entirely. I've never seen a guy that looked more like a dominant pass rusher in my life. Sadly I've never seen such a pussy for a defensive end either. If he's going to keep letting running backs run through his arms and getting stood up by linemen I'm going to start a campaign to run him out of town Wilbon style (kir royale optional but encouraged). Gregg needs to sit his ass down, I don't care if he looks like Tyson Beckford if he's gonna tackle like a male model (even if he is really really ridiculously good looking). If we can't generate a rush without blitzing from the secondary we're going to get used to seeing the back of Kenny Wright's jersey.

If Campbell can contribute and the team can get healthy for good (we're nothing without Portis and Springs) the season doesn't have to be a loss. We've got such a dynamic group of talented players and coaches that we should be kicking the shit out of dysfunctional bitches like Dallas more often than not. Given the nature of our injuries and our crippling quarterback play it's hard to envision the playoffs. Regardless, i will remain eternally optimistic in my heart regardless of what my brain may tell me (I don't like it and it doesn't like me).

Faithfully Yours,

The Unsilent Majority

P.S. If you're as despondent as me you can find solace in this great video that was posted by our friend Chris at Saved By the Blog

Sorry for the length/relative seriousness of this post. It's my only catharsis...otherwise I'd have to kill myself.

29 comments:

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

I think your letter summed it up. Sometimes I think NFL offensive coordinators and coaches out-think themselves. Is this stuff really that complicated? Do you really need a 700 page playbook? I mean, its freaking football. Block, throw, run and catch.

I guess some of these people need to justify their high salaries by having a 700 page playbook and working 15 hour days. Whatever.

A.R.P. said...

It could be worse (read: Norv/Spurrier). If we lose to Los Tejanos we can just have fun: see how many sacks it takes to get to the Jesus at the center of our Brunell pop; switch to a 3-4 and put backs in as down lineman; actually hand over all playcalling to Janky-Spanky.

I just don't get the Brunell thing. Why is he our QB? Why? Apparently we could've kept Brad Johnson all these years. Oh well, at least our team doesn't play in Oakland or Nashville.

The Dude said...

No apologies necessary, UM. I’m dealing with the same shit with the over-hyped crap fest known as the Miami Dolphins.

So here’s my moment of catharsis: Fuck you SI!!! I hope Dr. Z gets ghonerra and suffocates in Peter King’s ass cheeks!

Unsilent Majority said...

So here’s my moment of catharsis: Fuck you SI!!! I hope Dr. Z gets ghonerra and suffocates in Peter King’s ass cheeks!

PERFECT!

A.R.P. said...

I hear Joe Buck gotz wicked clap yo. Have you seen that shit where they touch his throat on that commercial? Stupid.

BTW: It's not funnier when your team is strugggglin'. Somber tone is appropriate.

Fornelli said...

I really do think that once Portis gets healthy the Skins offense will finally start to click. It's not like defense fear Betts and Duckett, so they're just pinning their ears back and chasing the old man.

If it makes you feel any better I'm still waiting for the sky to fall on me with Rex Grossman being the highest rated QB in the NFL after 2 weeks.

feep said...

UM, I see your problem. I am a Detroit Lions fan. One of four or five I think. As such, I can say that your problem is that you have "Hope". Once you get past this feeling you are left with nothing. Nothing but a void. That void will soon be filled with contempt for Matt Millen. Just sheer utter rage at Matt Millen. Just completely in awe at the incompetence of Matt Millen. So what I am trying to say is this: just let it go. Once you have achieved this, you too can hate Matt Millen. Some may say that Matt Millen has nothing to do with the Redskins, but that is the beauty of this… he is very easy to hate.

A.R.P. said...

Matt Millen is the brutal-est. I'm just glad Detroit sacrificed itself to get him out of the broadcast booth. Thanks Detroit!

That Sean Taylor flim-flam on the Saving Blog... gold. It harkens back to the protestations of youth imploring the young standout to effectively thwart his opponents. I can still hear the drunken exclamations of "Kill Sean, Kill!" Can you give us a link to that one? My browser sucks almost as much as poor Bru-Bru.

Unsilent Majority said...

i will never abandon hope

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

I was watching Any Given Sunday the other day and it reminded me of the 'Skins. The parallels between LL Cool J crazy and Clinton Portis crazy are too similar. Now if only Jason Campbell would shoot a music video...or an Eastern motors commercial. Perhaps we can stop running the draw play on 3rd and long. Also, it would be nice to see a pass to the middle of the field. Captain Chaos is slowly dropping into Jeremy Shockey territory! Carlos Rogers plays like he wants to be demoted to a nickle back. And the DTC allowed Brad Johnson to make it to his bus wearing his old skins jersey. I was expecting a good ole' MS-13 style machete attack to the throwing arm. Atleast Taylor is having a breakout season, minus the constant over commitment to decapitating people instead of tackling. Tough time to be a skins fan. So how bout them politics?

Rob I said...

Only Volek can save the day.

What's that? Traded? To the Chargers?

Aw fuck.

Unsilent Majority said...

cbc- one of the radio shows tried to matchup all the characters in the movie to the current redskins...i was wincing.

but as i said, brunell is randy quaid

Landru said...

Why is Brunell still our QB? It's very simple: it's the Jesus, stupid. It's why the prayer circle closed up around Lying Liarton Joe Gibbs after Pat Ramsey recovered in 10 minutes from that hit in the Bears game last year, leaving Lefty the Gimp in charge. Why Gibbs felt the need to lie to us in the first place, we'll never know. But it's the love of Jeebus that keeps Brunell and Gibbs bonded at the meast.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Watching Brunell trying to hit Brandon Lloyd on a crossing pattern is like watching Johnny Damon try to throw out a runner tagging up at third from shallow center.

Claude Balls said...

I just don't get the Brunell thing. Why is he our QB? Why? Apparently we could've kept Brad Johnson all these years

Yes, you could have, but your owner and the personnel guy are complete fucktards. They have no ability to evaluate talent or determine whether a player's skills actually fit the team's schemes. They simply jump at every shiny object they see. "Oh, he's a big name, I want him! Vinny, offer him so much money that he ejaculates on the spot." "Yes sir, Mr. Snyder sir!"

Mark Brunell is not the problem. He's a symptom of the problem, but he is not the problem.

Unsilent Majority said...

resisting...urge...to...throw...computer...through...window...

Diablo Panochero said...

Beyond Taylor and Portis there is no one, even in George Allen's wildest wet dream, that could be considered even remotely "talented" or "dynamic".

This season is over dude, and thanks to the stellar drafts of the past years, so, in effect, is next season.

I can only pray to St. Thomas of Landry that they lose to the AAA affiliate on Sunday.

So, how 'bout them Cowboys?

Unsilent Majority said...

i hope you drown on your own bile you sick fuck.

Claude Balls said...

resisting...urge...to...throw...computer...through...window...

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

Unsilent Majority said...

i'm not...doesn't mean i can't boil over in frustration...i'm going home now

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Mark Brunell is not the problem. He's a symptom of the problem, but he is not the problem.

Spoken like management consultant. McKinsey & Co. couldn't say it better. Anybody else think Cameron Diaz did a job job as Daniel Synder? Its almost to the point that we could put Tom Cruise back there and have a better chance at winning. The fucker plays the best character in all his movies, so its natural to expect him to be the best QB. Realistic? No? Fuck!

colinsmith said...

Don't be scared of Anacostia, UM. 64oz bottles of Haffenreffer Private Stock love everybody!

Unsilent Majority said...

mmmm jolly green giant. gotta love an alcohol company called Falstaff...oh prince harry.

Andrew said...

You forgot to mention Randle-el running backwards on punt returns...

I do close my eyes and daydream of Jason Campbell coming in, playing competently, Springs coming back and allowing Gregg Williams to put more pressure on the opposing QBs, you know, daydreams.

talktoazza said...

sorry for the shameless plug, but for skins fans who need a place to rant check out
http://offseasonchamp.blogspot.com/

cecil_espy said...

Dear Snyder et al,

Sorry you didn't do your research regarding Lloyd and Carter being giant pussies.

Mike Nolan

cecil_espy said...

And Rumph for that matter. Of all the talent pools to raid, why choose the last remants of the Terry Donahue/Dennis Erickson Niners?

A.R.P. said...

The last one is simple. We now have a guy on our team named "Rumph." Sometimes you just have to ascribe to the onomatopoeia-factor. I'll take a "Rumph" over a "Faggins" at corner anyday.

AJOC said...

UM - Great piece. I share your love and misguided passion for the Burgundy and Gold. I'm as sick as you are about how the season has started - I literally had nightmares about Brunell getting sacked over and over after the Dallas game on Monday.

That said, putting so much blame for this on Brunell doesn't seem right to me. Granted, he's not a very good QB anymore, but many times in the past few seasons we've seen that it doesn't take a very good QB to make the playoffs, or even win the Super Bowl (Ravens, Bucs, Steelers all did it without a great or even very good QB). The problem as I see it right now is the O line. Brunell needs more time than most, and right now he's getting nothing. I know we all want to see what JC has, but throwing him in there right now with this type of protection would probably ruin his career. I'm still holding out hope that the O line can improve and allow Brunell to make a few passes down the field - as of yet, he really hasn't had the opportunity. If he gets it, I still think 10-6 or 9-7 is possible, and in the NFC East that might be enough to win.