Friday, September 8, 2006

A-Always, B-Be, C-Covering. Always Be Covering! Week One

Welcome to the first edition of our new weekly feature, the ABC’s of Degenerate Gambling. Are you interested? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk. You cover or you hit the bricks. Each week I’ll highlight a selection of games that I find particularly enticing for some reason.


DISCLAIMER
While I may (or may not) be a confirmed genius this remains a humor site. Anybody that takes my advice too seriously deserves the fate of Tessie Hutchinson.


Buffalo @ New England (-10): Aside from one game last year these teams have a tendency to beat the shit out of each other. Give Bill Belichick an entire off-season to game plan for JC Penny Losman and you’ve got all the makings for an interdivisional curb stomping.

Cincinnati (+1.5) @ Kansas City: I didn’t want to ruin the big surprise but I feel compelled to tell you. I’m about to sign my first book deal, the tentative title is How I Made My First Million. The only problem is that I’ve only managed to write one sentence...”When in doubt, wager heavily against Herman Edwards.” Until I learn otherwise I plan to keep rolling along with this theory of mine.

Seattle (-6.5) @ Detroit: Yes Seattle lost the Super Bowl. Yes the Super Bowl loser tends to start the subsequent season rather shittily (look it up!). But come the fuck on...It’s Shaun Alexander against Detroit! As long as he’s not digested by Shaun Rogers it’s looking like a three touchdown affair. Somehow I don’t see Kitna and his stable of dying receivers keeping up with the greatest show on recycled tires.

Philadelphia @ Houston (+6): This year I refuse to miss out on the Texans inevitable opening day victory. Besides, it’s Wali’s World and we’re just the caretaker (the moose outside should have told you).

Lechaim!

18 comments:

BoSox Siobhan said...

What? No love for my Titans, UM? Playing the Jets, good Lord, it's the definition of two mules fighting over a turnip.

KaLiBLeeK said...

I'm not sure if I'll ever see the day where I feel comfortable putting money on the Texans. Unless it involves who will end up with the #1 pick in the draft.

The Goat said...

It blows my mind that TV bobbleheads like Peter King are picking the Lions to win outright. The Seahawks are an EASY pick to cover, and should probably be everyone's elimination pool pick this week..

28-10 Hawks.

By the way, the Lions are 21-59 since 2001... No wonder Lions fans are the Eeyores of the NFL. How does Millen keep that job? Does he have pictures of Henry Ford at the business end of a three-way train with Walt Disney and Hitler or something? damn.

Unsilent Majority said...

goat, save seattle and take the buzzsaw

The Goat said...

Good point UM... Might as well use the buzzsaw before Warner gets hurt and Leinart succumbs to the clap :)

Footsteps Falco said...

The Texans' inevitable opening day victory - yeah I'm pretty sure we heard about that in an earlier post . . .

doug_plank said...

Believe it or not, I like the Bears 13-7 over the Cheese-eating, cow-blowing, high school cheerleader molesting, hamper-dumping Packers.

Unsilent Majority said...

i do have some cash on the bears, it's an excellent pick.

rectumdamnnearkilledem said...

I gotta know. Was there a discussion about that disclaimer? Was it Falco's idea?

Otto Man said...

I went with the Cards this week, too. Do the 49ers even have a team this year?

Unsilent Majority said...

nope, that was all me
I'm a LAW-YER

Captain Caveman said...

Don't sleep on Cowboys-Jags. I don't know what the over/under is, but I like the under. I think 10-6 might qualify as a high-scoring affair.

Senor Beavis said...

"And then they were upon her."

Next week in Jerusalem!

Fornelli said...

Plank, the Pack dumped the hamper dumper.

Still when betting the Bears/Packers, I feel safer taking the under then relying on the Bears offense to score 3.5 points.

Unsilent Majority said...

good to see a tessie fan out there

D-Rock said...

UM, I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see the Texans hanging with the Eagles, even if they do somehow win their season opener every year. I'm doing something similar, laying out all my NFL bets for the weekend so I can see exactly how I slipped even further into debt.

Unsilent Majority said...

actually the Texans are 2 of their last 4 on opening day. it's all about the pattern.
as for actual bets, i'm making so much in these stupid ass college games that i'll be able to spread the wealth tommorow. if the redskins line gets under 3.5 because of the portis injury i'd say jump on it. betts is always in top form when portis sits. also i'm taking the bears early and often.

Masterlock Jr. said...

ouch. 1-3 is not a good start. unless your the raiders.