Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Now Let's Forget All Our Troubles With A Big Bowl Of Strawberry Ice Cream!


Imagine you're a woman. Not hard. I do this whenever my wife leaves the house and and there's a spare camisole lying around. Now imagine you're a woman who enjoys football. You're probably sick to your stomach of football being a bastion for unrepentant misogyny - the Coors Light twins, eye candy sideline reporters not named Michele Tafoya, Zeke Mowatt ready to whip his cock out in front of you at any moment. It's all pretty woman-unfriendly. You think women deserve to enjoy football as much as any man does, without being condescended to.

And then some wiseass writer gets this letter from a producer at ivillage.com:

Hi Big Daddy Drew,
Have you seen Betsy Berns's new football blog for women, the female fan at ivillage? It might be something you're interested in writing about. It's "girl talk" about football and has interesting commentary on it from a female fan's perspective, plus it has a lot of fun stuff, like a weekly poll trying to get down to the NFL's sexiest player. I'd love for you to check it out and consider writing about it or linking to it. I'm pasting the official press release below. Thanks!


Oh, fuck. Now you get to the press release, and you suddenly see feminism set back another 50 years:

"The Female Fan" will discuss the week's big game dramas, report on celebrity romances and offer tailgating tips and mouthwatering recipes for the perfect football party.

And then you get to the blog itself, and it pretty much confirms your worst fears. It's a football site for women. And, in this case, "women" means 12-year-old girls. It doesn't even bother to assume you know much of anything about football, or even basic home ec. It just assumes you would like your football in the form of US Weekly. "Omigod! Did you know like, Matt Leinart and Nick Lachey are, like, best friends? Oh, and I heard Neutrogena apricot scrub gets your meast really clean!" This approach, of course, makes no sense because casual female football non-fans aren't going to bother reading a blog about football. Worst of all, this site was written by a woman, which makes it doubly annoying.

What will the writer do with it? Will he make endless furburger jokes at your gender's expense? Will he suggest that the blog was written by a retarded cheerleader during off hours?

No, I think he'll just let you vent in the comments.

36 comments:

Rob I said...

Question from Chris: What is a point spread? Chris has been having fun making bets with her boyfriend (a great way to get into the game), but wanted to know a little more about the "spread."

Answer from Rob: Chris, the "spread" is what you do with your "legs" when the game is "over".

Unsilent Majority said...

The bears have picked up the scent

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

That was brutal, Rob. Hilarious, but brutal.

I think some women want to know about football because they want to have something in common with their husband/boyfriend. And that is a noble and thoughtful gesture.

The problem is that the husband/boyfriend would like to have this one area- football- bitch-free, if you will. So ladies, if you want to please your man just go to the mall or some shit while the game is on.

doug_plank said...

See this is what happens when you give a gal an edamucation.

Who taught them to write in the first place?

Here's my first comment there-

Make me a sandwich!!

bates said...

The best part of the "Sunday Night's NFL Sexiest Football Player" contest (other than the painfully awkward grammar of its title) is the fact that the finalists include Jake "I'm Too Skeevy For Porno at This Point" Plummer and Corey "I Might Literally Be the Fugliest Person in Human History" Dillon.

Maximum Colossus said...

I'd be pretty pissed if I were John Lynch. He's a sexy bitch.

Larry Bird Flu said...

This is the debate that I continually have with my friends -- is it better to have a girlfriend/wife who loves sports and who wants to watch football and baseball all day with you and the boys or one who gives you the space to be with the guys and and doesn't care because she hates sports in the first place?

I love run-on sentences.

BigRicks said...

Nothing about steaming hole penetration or gash? color me disappointed.

As an aside, when did we have to type out the Declaration of Rights of Man in order to comment on blogger? it used to be 3 letters, maybe 4, I feel like every comment I make forces me to retype War and Peace

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Fuckin great....now when I'm watching the game I have to hear useless facts about the personal lives of the players. Fuck you, Joe Buck. wait, who were we talking about again?

Claude Balls said...

That site must make Holly Mangold want to punch Betsy Berns in the cunt.

BoSox Siobhan said...

As an actual woman, I hate this condescending bullshit. It's as though the writer presumes the presence of breasts makes me a retard.

BoSox Siobhan said...

If you presume I'm a retard because I'm a Titans fan, that's okay, though. And a pretty easy argument to make.

dusty said...

Jesus fucking christ. Women read that ridiculous horseshit? wtf is this crap? Why don't they call it what it is..sports for retarded females..

I got as far as fun facts about uni's..for the love of god..what woman that watches football doesn't know this shit? I haven't been to iVillage, thanks for the peek, they can keep that weak-ass shit to themselves..

Give me a nice skyy and soda and the remote when more than one game is on at a time. I am happy as a clam.Oh, and make your own sandwich if you want it before halftime you fuckwit. If you had an ounce of sense in that head of yours you would of planned ahead. Its not rocket science.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Makes sense Siobhan, since you can't spell Titans without T-I-T-S.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I don't think women read it.

There are FOUR women writing for our sports blog, but we write about - sports for the most part.

It does all all a great disservice. Women that want to read about football want to read the same stuff you guys so - just minus the Coors Light twins. I look at twins all day long (that is WHY I need the beer and football).

Otto Man said...

My wife -- who just so happens to go by the blogger name Malibu Stacy -- generally skips out for the afternoon so me and the boys can worship the DirecTV Sunday Ticket package in glorious HDTV. And I love her to death for it.

One of the guys brought a girlfriend along one time who didn't know diddly about the game. We buried them out back underneath the grill.

Now let us never speak of this again.

feep said...

otto... didn't realize that your grill was such a sensitive topic.

Spectacular Sam said...

If you haven't, read the comment section. Truly horrible shit, until you get to last one where an actual female fan rips them to shreds.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

why does Bill Simmons insist on hiding his true identity on here? why does he continue to do this?

fuck Boston.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

It's the same old stereotypical Jillian Barberie, dumb ditzy blond ... but she's got a new hat!

Sid said...

great stuff. I agree with you; that football is rather sexist. But it got that way because there are very few female fans.

Ah well, true football fans would agree that all the crap (beer ads, etc.) is needless, and we could easily get along without it. I know I could.

C. said...

This crossed over into work when some media company tried to sell me on this as a satellite interview for the morning news show.

Not only does it piss off actual female sports fans, it gives the dilettantes bad reasons to try and tolerate sports. You can't make fans out of people that just don't get it.

point23 said...

I think Bill Simmon's wife is behind this. She has to be.

mai wen said...

Please, only insecure big-cock-wannabe guys hate wives and women who know about football. Example, the guys at my work whose ASSES I whooped in fantasy football literally felt their cocks shrinking and to counter they insisted that my husband was helping me with my fantasy team even though I was kicking his ass in my personal league too.

My husband's thrilled that I love football because there was no fight whatsoever when it came to getting Sunday Ticket.

Listen, these lame ass girls with their "I love cute guys in tight spandex pants" website are Not the norm. Give me a fucking break. And for those of you who are intimidated by women who are obsessed with football, grow a fucking dick while you're at it.

Monday Morning Punter said...

The site is worth seeing, if only for the Gilmore Girls ad on the sidebar. Man, I could eat olives out of Laura Graham's ass.

...and I don't even like olives.

Larry Bird Flu said...

I'm sort of in love with Mai Wen.

Big Jim Slade said...

If history has taught us anything, it's that girls should stick to girl sports. Like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and so on.

Claude Balls said...

I'm sort of in love with Mai Wen.

You know "she" is a balding 48-year-old 8th grade gym teacher from Totowa who is cruising internet sports sites looking for gullible teenage boys, right?

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Mai Wen- where do you keep your husband's balls? Im guessing in a jar on the fireplace mantle.

TheBigO said...

"She keeps nuts in her mouth like the bitch was a squirrel......."

I'm sorry, what were we talking about???

becky said...

I was all ready to chime in w/ my 2, but mai wen said everything I was going to...albeit in a more married and man-hating way.
anyway, I don't watch sports to hang around dudes. important games I will often prefer to watch alone, not to mention send my roommate out of the room for asking too many stupid questions or trying to talk about stupid girl stuff. there's a time and a place. and that time is NEVER on sunday.

NoUseForAName said...

mai wen in japanese for "Holly Mangold".

JoSCh said...

I'm mostly curious as to why BDD is getting emails from an ivillage producer at all. Isn't ivillage for bitches?

Note: the word verification thing I got was "tipmow". Tipmow = Bobbitted, right? I'm gonna kill myself.

Intentional Safety said...

This makes me think of the horrifying stack of old home ec books entitled "Homemaking for Teenagers" that I saw at work the other day.

Maybe I'm not in the norm, but I love football. Not as a way to "spend time with my man", but for myself. I watch it with my family or my friends most week. I understand the game quite well, thanks, and in my own informal pick-the-winners contest I went 14 for 16 this week.

This crap makes us all look like annoying harpies. I won't say I'm completely immune to thinking "oh, that player is attractive," but I don't root for guys just because they're cute, I root for my team.

My team which has Corey Dillon on it, who, God love him, isn't exactly who I would put on my weekly "sexiest" poll. So not only are we shallow ditzes who are more interested in the pretty colors and the tight pants, but we don't even have good taste. Christ.

Steezy said...

I'm convinced guys only want to date female sports fans in theory. The reality is much scarier (i.e. we're smarter and better looking than they are, and we'll embarass them in front of their friends).

ultimatefemalefan said...

Lighten up people! This is a blog that is encouraging women to get into the game!

What is wrong with women looking at men in tight pants just like the men checking out the cheerleaders and the coors light girls.

This is entertainment!