Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Better Know A Team: Philadelphia Eagles


Five Fast Facts about the Eagles:
-The Eagles were formed in the early 1970s by Don Henley and Glenn Frey (but not Joe Walsh) with the mission of making music for people who found the Steve Miller Band too avant garde.
-Coach Andy Reid has pledged that the Eagles will run the ball more this year. Perhaps even three times a game.
-The Eagles' backup running back is Correll Buckhalter, which means the Eagles' actual backup running back is Ryan Moats.
-Eagles players once drilled a hole in the locker room wall at the Vet to spy on showering cheerleaders. And that is fucking sweet.
-Backup QB Jeff Garcia hosts Karaoke Night every Tuesday night at the Blue Oyster bar. Admission is free if you bring the proof of purchase from your "Angels in America" DVD.

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Dhani Jones

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down for one final "chat", this time with a player from the Eagles. It's starting LB and "Colbert Report" guest Dhani Jones.


Big Daddy Drew: Dhani, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
Dhani Jones: No problem.

Drew: I love your bottled water. I know a lot of people prefer Evian, but to me that tastes like Marlon Brando's fromunda cheese.
Dhani: That's Dasani.

Drew: Whatever. Let's talk TO. Just how divisive a presence was his overly repressed homosexuality?
Dhani: TO isn't gay.

Drew: What's it like to be the only black man to wear a bow tie and not be a member of the Nation of Islam?
Dhani: It's all right.

Drew: Is Brian Westbrook injured yet?
Dhani: No.

Drew: How long do you give him? Isn't he the kind of guy that gets injured ordering an omelette?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Is Donte Stallworth the missing piece this team needs to get back to the Super Bowl and lose while showing absolutely no sense of urgency?
Dhani: Donte is great.

Drew: Shouldn't rookie tackle Winston Justice be a porn star/superhero with that name? Lightning could shoot right out his cock.
Dhani: Sure.

Drew: The Eagles' offensive philosophy is to pass 60 times a game to a group of subpar receivers. Why haven't other teams embraced this ingenious reverse psychology?
Dhani: I don't know.

Drew: What's it like to have seven seconds of rest between defensive series?
Dhani: We run the ball.

Drew: Is Donovan McNabb fat? Because sometimes, I swear it looks like he spends all day eating pie.
Dhani: No.

Drew: When he threw up during the Super Bowl, did pie come out?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Did French Silk ice cream come out?
Dhani: No.

Drew: When Todd Pinkston was released, did Len Pasquarelli walk into the locker room, find the rumpled jersey of his one true love, and wistfully take in its longing scent?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Shouldn't head coach Andy Reid be a cop? He looks like the asshole cop that tried to take credit for saving that one guy from the bus crash in "The Fugitive".
Dhani: No.

Drew: Does Donovan McNabb bring Andy Reid a shiny apple at every team meeting?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Last year, Philadelphia NACCP head Jerry Mondeshire said that McNabb was "mediocre at best". What has McNabb done to deserve that sort of praise?
Dhani: It wasn't praise.

Drew: Donovan McNabb has attracted the ire of both TO and Rush Limbaugh. Why is he such a Douchebag magnet? Is Jimmy Fallon next in line?
Dhani: I don't know.

Drew: I hear you like to write poetry. I have written this haiku about the Eagles:
Another year with
No skill position players
Boo, motherfucker

You like?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Will you kiss me? As you can tell by that poem, I'm a very sensitive guy.
Dhani: I'll think about it.

Drew: Dhani, this was fun. Have a great season.
Dhani: Thanks.

26 comments:

dusty said...

You forgot one..Is Donovan's mommy at all the team meetings too?

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

maybe dhani is a jimmy fallon fan. eh, probably not.

Unsilent Majority said...

Churchill High is in the house!

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Eventually, someone will man up and kiss you. I'm waiting to see who will be the first.

doug_plank said...

Joe Walsh was not an original member of the Eagles.

I will take Stupid Rock Facts for a thousand, Alex.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Man that was funny. But one note- Joe Walsh didn't become part of the Eagles until "Hotel California"- well after their original incarnation.

Unsilent Majority said...

I fucking hate the Eagles man

...no seriously, they suck

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

There were a lot worse bands in the 70s than the Eagles. What is it that people hate about them so much?

Moon Hippo said...

Ending a Haiku with "Boo, motherfucker" is pure class. Mind if i steal that? Thanks.

In fact, I think that may well work as a last line for every haiku ever written...

Lete start with a classic:

On a withered branch,
A crow has now alighted,
Boo, motherfucker!

See - it rocks. I shall email Easterbrook about this ASAP...

doug_plank said...

Garcia hangs out at a sports bar-

"Backfield in Lotion"

Hi-hooooooooo!

Matt said...

rsr26 - Maximum hatred is proportional to suckitude times popularity. This makes the Eagles, by far, the most hateable band in history.

A.R.P. said...

Andy Reid will soak an unprecedented amount of cheesesteaks in tears during the course of this season. The Iggles deserve to suck for a long, long time.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Is that Fonzworth (nee Farnsworth) Bentley in that picture?

The Last Unitard said...

I once saw Randall Cunningham punt 91 yds from his own end zone. True story.

McNabb is a bitch.

Anonymous said...

The fake interviews and the Eagles both suck it hard.

swing4 said...

I was going to toss off some remark like "Anon 12:30 PM must be a bitter Vikings fan", but you redeem yourself through humor, Drew, and are, therefore, too good to be associated with uninspired, anonymous prats. Pfft.

By-the-way, thanks for the heads-up that Tony Sinclair is on the roster this year. http://www.tanqueray.com/tonys_world/

Bruce Hygiene said...

I think that Andy Reid looks more like fat detective eckard from Batman.


http://ravishingrickhaiku.blogspot.com/

jester0165 said...

if i was to guess, i'd say Garcia's the type to sing ABBA's dancing queen every week, maybe just a little bit of Cyndi Lauper's girls just wanna have fun to shake things up now and then.

jester0165 said...

also when will you interview the mildly autistic colt mccoy? it needs to be done.

Anonymous said...

"By-the-way, thanks for the heads-up that Tony Sinclair is on the roster this year."

"Is that Fonzworth (nee Farnsworth) Bentley in that picture?"

Right, because all black people look alike, dumbass bitches.

Big Jim Slade said...

I thought he looked more like Sugar Ray Leonard. But what do I know, I am a dumb assed bitch.

Unsilent Majority said...

he makes his own ties...too bad colmes won't wear one.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Bill Simmons says the Eagles are going to the superbowl as part of his sacred ewing theory. what a fucking crackhead.

KaLiBLeeK said...

Drew: When Todd Pinkston was released, did Len Pasquarelli walk into the locker room, find the rumpled jersey of his one true love, and wistfully take in its longing scent?
Dhani: No.


I'm going to miss these once the season starts.

dusty said...

I just have one question..are you straight when this shit comes to you because its seriously great.

portauthority said...

Hands down the suckitude X popularity leader of all time is the dreaded DMB