Thursday, September 14, 2006

If you're a douchebag and you know it, clap your hands!!!

To bookend Drew's inspired Meast of the Week, one of our commenters suggested that the week's worst player get the Rumph award. If we did, there would be little doubt who deserves to be Rumphed this week. It's not enough for Jerry Porter that he gets paid big money not to play, he doesn't even want to bother to show up and do nothing except ugly up the stadium on game day.

As has been recounted ad nauseum, Porter, who cannot abide Mr. Potato Head clone Art Shell talking to him like the petulant little bitch he is, was inactive for Monday night's game against the Chargers. Porter has defended himself against claims he was laughing and pumping his fist after Aaron Brooks was sacked for the 63rd time by saying he wasn't even paying attention to the game. In other words, he doesn't hope the Raiders lose, he just doesn't really give a shit either way.

We don't blame anyone for wishing they were never associated with the Raiders in any way shape or form. But even TO, at his absolute prima donna nadir at least pretended to care about his teammates (albeit the ones not named McNabb or Garcia). This fucktard Porter can't even do that. Hear that icy silence Jerry? It's the sound of all the trade offers that aren't being called into Oakland, you no-talent pack of crap.

Enough hating for now. We leave you with another egg from the Golden Goose of Comedy, YouTube: a clip of Porter being interviewed at a some sort of vidya game convention. The interviewer (aka "Model Chick") seems to have zero knolwedge of either gaming or football, but compensates for these shortcomings by being hotter than the scortching surface of Mercury.

Some highlights:

* Model Chick asks a question that it is painfully obvious neither she nor Jerry understands.

* Jerry indulging her pathetic attempts "to keep it real, dawg" solely because he wants to bang that ass like a screen door in a hurricane.

* The needless "Blind Date" captioning. You get the feeling that the MMORPG geeks who hired Model Chick, were disappointed that the evening didn't end her being the meat in a Fat Loser Sammich-- so they added the lame "zingers" to take out their blueball frustrations.

Oh, what the heck. Here's a little more hating: Go to hell, Jerry. We hope you get traded to the Browns.


Note: We totally posted this before Deadspin did. Suck it, Will Leitch!

9 comments:

the dude said...

I think it's admirable he admitted he didn't watch the game. It was obvious the offensive line wasn't either.

Monday Morning Punter said...

At least he was still awake.

LButler36 said...

YWML: And here comes Shawne Merriman-Webster dictionary for his third sack of the game.
RJ: There's Joey Porter on the sidelines, what is he laughing at Brooks?
YWML: Joey Porter you just got
YWML and RJ: RUMPHED UP!!!

doug_plank said...

Porter's punishment should be for him to be put in a straight jacket, tied to a chair and have his eye lids forced open (Clockwork Orange style) and put on the fifty yard line to watch every Raider game.

Fred Belitenikoff can adminster the eye drops, although some cigarrette ash may fall in.

The Dude said...

That video was painful. Nothing like a ditsy blonde chick trying to act urban and be all, "What you got? A plasma TV? I know you got so'in ..."

The Last Unitard said...

Jerry Porter doesn't care about black quarterbacks.

Joey D said...

lbutler36,

Since the point of discussion is blow-hard loud-mouth assholes, I understand it's easy to mistake Jerry and Joey Porter. Joey Porter (a Pittsburgh Stiller) would never laugh at Ben Roethlisberger being sacked. Although there's a good chance he'd like to stick his tongue in his ear.

Mike said...

The popups were the funniest things on that clip.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Is that turd wearing a Barry Sanders jersey?!? This guy is the polar opposite of Barry Sanders. I'm outraged. This is me outraged.

But it is nice to see Debbie LaFave getting work again.

I miss VH1's Pop-up Video. Sigh.