Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Oops Pow Surprise, Ohhhhhhhh!

Every season starts off the same way, some teams struggle, some excel, and some teams get fucked in the ass by injuries...These are their stories.

Jevon Kearse
Just when it looked like the Iggles were headed back to playoff glory their season veered off the road and crashed into the proverbial ditch. Philly may have the best defensive line depth in all of football, but when you lose your primary playmaker you’re pretty much fucked. The team’s greatest strength will now have to be reworked after the Freak’s knee was bent in a direction not in accordance with nature. TO immediately questioned Jevon’s leadership and work ethic. Philly fans showed their appreciation by booing the paramedics.

Erasmus James
It’s not a good week to be a speed rusher. The Vikings hot start has everybody in Minnesota thinking playoffs, except for Bryant McKinnie…he’s still thinking about ‘tang. While the national praise for the Brads continues to flow in from all the middle aged media types the real story is in the injury report. After losing this year’s first round pick Chad Greenway doctors will now have to find an extra cot in the recovery room for last year’s first rounder. Throw in the loss of Tank Williams and the Vikings IR list might finish the year with more talent than the active roster. After what they did to ruin my opening weekend I say they had it coming.

David Pollack
There’s nothing funny about a broken neck…although he did make me laugh in Husbands and Wives. Even though David went to Georgia I’ve always been a fan of the way he plays defense. We at KSK wish him a safe and speedy recovery; hopefully this won’t become a life-changing injury. You’d think karma would go after Chris Henry but nooooo.

Orlando Pace
A serious concussion is just about the only thing that can keep Pace out of the Pro Bowl. He’s spent more time in Hawaii than your average leper. The big guy’s had an amazing career and nobody wants to see him ruin his post-retirement life fighting to get the Rams to .500. It won’t surprise me a bit to see Pace in a uniform come Sunday, unfortunately nobody has the sense to sit the guy down for a week. As long as he passes some “psychological tests” he should be cleared for action. Why the hell didn’t they try that for Dimitrius Underwood and Maurice Clarett?

Terrell Owens
He’s obviously faking it.


Monday Morning Punter said...

Extended best wishes and prayers to David Pollack.

A.R.P. said...

Jerry Porter is out with rabies.

Bill Parcells is [on the] sidelined with cheesy man-tits. We know what's under that pullover, baby's hungy.

Captain Caveman said...

Anyone else notice how Aikman thought Kearse's injury was a cramp the first three times FOX showed the replay? Yeah, it's a cramp, Troy, that's why his knee bent the wrong way and the huge, athletic freak of nature is near tears.

A.R.P. said...

You've just got to walk it off, that's all. The Amazing Intellectual Aikman can sense when other players are being pussies and faking. If AikMAN believes it is cramps then it must be so.

thope said...

Kearse did have cramps earlier in the game, and Aikman made a bad assumption. After they showed the replay AIK-man made some comment about how thats a shame.

On the plus side, now all the Philly papers can ask: Are the Eagles Kearsed?

Thats GOLD, Jerry.

JoSCh said...

except for Bryant McKinnie…he’s still thinking about ‘tang.

Which is why he is the Greatest. Playa. Evah. I'd party with Smoot, and anybody that says they wouldn't is lying.

crappy_editor said...


Diablo Panochero said...

You left out the Redskins' Bandwagon. Careened off the road with a drunken Al Saunders at the wheel while being fellated by Mark Brunell. Smashed into a million tiny pieces, and even all the king's men couldn't put that f*cker back together.

Unsilent Majority said...

fantasy player protection is the single stupidest thing in the history of the world

jester0165 said...

Even if karma doesn't go after Chris Henry, Mo C's a fair compromise. David Pollock is a class act and a hell of a football player, thoughts go out to him and his family.

John said...

There's no fantasy crying allowed when your fantasy insurance company denies your fantasy claim for the injuries to your fantasy players.

The Dude said...

There’s nothing funny about a broken neck

No, but to Philly fans it's something to cheer about.

thope said...

Dude- you just proved yourself right, cause I would totally cheer if you broke your neck.

Claude Balls said...

Is it wrong to think that Jevon Kearse acted like a melodramatic bitch Sunday afternoon? The whole waving at the Eagles' medical staff and, sniff, bravely giving the thumbs up as he was being carted off the field reminded me of a Midol commercial.

Otto Man said...

Yeah, it's a cramp, Troy, that's why his knee bent the wrong way and the huge, athletic freak of nature is near tears.

"Troy, why do you say you feel 'trapped' in a man's body."
"Well, ... sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard."

Otto Man said...

fantasy player protection is the single stupidest thing in the history of the world

Agreed. It's almost as sad as those little electronic keychain pets that the Japanese were peddling a few years back.

I say "almost" because the owner of one of those things might actually get laid. The other guy? Not so much.