Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Timeline for our Darkest Day

Disclaimer: I recognize the severity of suicide. I have very personal reservations telling jokes about it. But this is an NFL humor site, and we have work to do. When I found out how T.O.'s day went yesterday, I had to share it. My apologies for the military time. And for the poor taste. But mostly just the military time.

0730: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0739: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0748: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0757: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0806: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0815: T.O. gets out of bed, puts on a sweatsuit, and drives to the Cowboys practice facility in his car that cost over $100,000. A little depressed that his broken finger still isn't making headlines, he listens to Ryan Adams's Heartbreaker during his drive.

0900: Practice. Mostly just riding the stationary bike by himself. At one point he notices Jason Whitten look at him then say something quietly to a group of teammates. Everybody laughs.

1200: Lunch. In the cafeteria, T.O. holds his tray and looks for a friendly face and an open seat. No one makes eye contact with him. When he tries to sit with Drew Bledsoe, Bledsoe puts his helmet on the chair and says, "Seat's taken."

1318: Parcells calls T.O. "Mary."

1620: T.O. drives home in his expensive car. He takes out Heartbreaker and puts in Love is Hell, Part 2. Sits in his driveway listening to "Please Do Not Let Me Go" on repeat four times.

1700: T.O. checks his email. Only two e-cards from Drew Rosenhaus telling him how great he is (usually he sends five a day). And Jason Rosenhaus didn't send him his daily apology for misquoting T.O. Sales for the book T.O. are way down, and the user reviews on Amazon are brutal.

1730: His mood spiraling ever downward, T.O. Googles himself, only to discover what people have been saying about him in the blogosphere (In retrospect, I feel bad for starting up

1925 Desperate to get away from the blogosphere's negativity, T.O. turns on the TV. Vh1 Classic is playing Lionel Richie's "Hello". He changes the channel. HBO has Leaving Las Vegas.

1930: And heeeeeeerrrrrre come the children's chewable Vicodin.

1947: T.O.'s publicist calls 911, hangs up, then makes an anonymous tip to a Dallas TV station, then calls the local bureau AP just to be sure. Thank God for speed dial!

2330: Skip Bayless learns of the incident, begins writing column for his new employer (the Camden Free Press) about how T.O. is setting a bad example for 16-year-old girls with image problems. His take: eating disorders are the best way to look prettier, and real men end it with guns.


Unsilent Majority said...

i didn't know skip was jewish

WeJamEcono said...

Wanker? Oi Vey that made my day.

TheBigO said...

Fuck TO, Shaun Alexander says the ggo lord just healed his foot over night and that he's ready to play sunday vs Chicago, that's news, not TO accidentally swallowing his subpositories.

TheBigO said...

wow, what the fuck? that was supposed to say 'good lord'.

Luckless Pedestrian said...

TO and Ryan Adams is comedy gold. Two great tastes that taste great together. I can see him in the driveway... head back, eyes closed, lips moving ever so slightly.

the dude said...

Paint shop pro strikes again...however I'd see Bayless more like the Grinch that stole Christmas type.