Friday, September 8, 2006

Jeremy Shockey wants YOU to read his column


As an oft-drunk Oklahoman with a Miami "education," Jeremy Shockey is not the kind of player we expect to be literate. Fortunately, literacy is not a requirement to write for the New York Post, where Shockey's new weekly column debuted today.

Sadly, there's not a whole lot to tear to shreds -- Shockey apparently graduated from the Crash Davis School of Cliche, or at least went to class for two years before declaring for the draft. But I did enjoy this:

Sometimes, I feel like I am more of a chess player than a football player. For instance, this week I was handed a report on each Colts defensive player. The report included their head-shot photo, their height, weight, age, hometown, their college, whether they are married and have kids, and their tendencies. I even know if they had offseason trouble with the law or with contract negotiations. I am given all the information I need to anticipate what they are going to do, their strengths and weaknesses, and how to take advantage of them.
Actually, Jeremy, there's been a mistake. You're way behind on your contract killing. Seriously, Shockey's gotta be the worst hired muscle since Gigli.
And guess what, the Colts defense has a report on me.
Yup, and it reads like this: "Extremely talented. Dumb as a rock. Remove from game by distracting him with TV cameras, rum and cokes, or available shiny objects."

However, the funniest sentence in the column has to be the last:
Jason Rosenhaus contributed to this report.
That's right: if you liked T.O., you'll love Jeremy Shockey's column! Those Rosenhauses really have the Midas touch!

20 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

This might hurt the NY Post's reputation

becky said...

sigh. it's going to be a long season, giants fans.

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

When did the Colts and Giants start playing 'defense'?

The Goat said...

While I'm sure Shockey is pouring over opposition scouting reports like they were this month's Hustler, Jay Feeley must have spaced on the chapter in the Seahawks dossier labeled "how to make field goals at Qwest Field."

Christmas Ape said...

Does he have one for fellow teammates? Does he know Plaxico Burress has a natural aversion to catching passes in playoff games? He should know these things.

Fornelli said...

I thought the entire column would read,

"Me catch ball, me run ball, me score ball, me have sex with girls after game. Ya! Go Giants go!"

I wish the Washington Post would give Clinton Portis his own column.

BigTDog said...

I can't and won't speak for anyone else on this team but me. So regarding Sunday night's season opener, I'll say this: We are ready.

I look forward to more of these columns from Mr. Shockey...and CC's take on them

Rob I said...

"Me catch ball, me run ball, me score ball, me have sex with girls after game. Ya! Go Giants go!"

You can make fun all you want, but I, for one, wish that my life consisted of those activities and those activities alone.

Big Jim Slade said...

What the Post doesn't tell you is that each entry arrives to them hand written in green crayon.

The answer is 'fries'.

Anonymous said...

Fornelli

Wouldn't it read..."me make fuck with girls after the game"?

Fornelli said...

Touche Rob, touche.

Fornelli said...

No Anon, unfortunately Mr. Shockey's love is not like a truck, but more like a Vespa.

Otto Man said...

The answer is 'fries'.

That may be the single best Simpsons reference I've seen all year. Well played.

Otto Man said...

Is it true that Jeremy Shockey is the love-child of Mongo from Blazing Saddles and one-time Reds dictator Marge Schott?

nobody bother me either said...

I think Shockey's well qualified to write a column. He wrote the book on giving up on a play when the defender has just ripped the ball out of your hands, and is now running untouched the other way.

It's amazing he was able to get up off the couch to write this.

A.R.P. said...

Tikberius "Tiki" Barber
5'10"
205lbs.
10 Years Pro.

Can make love to self with both hands. Really just wants to be held, that's all. Wish Jeremy would do something in the shower instead of just stare longingly. Tired of Strahan's unwarranted advances. Ready for Eli to be "the man."

Anonymous said...

Don't know why I'm defending him, but Shockey isn't exactly dumb. Into drinking, girls, and putting his foot in his mouth repeatedly, but from what I've read, he was a good student and ended up going to Miami specifically because he was an full academic qualifier, which Oklahoma didn't realize.

And now I will shower away the shame of pointing this out.

Otto Man said...

Really? I heard they shaved a gorilla.

Spulture said...

I feel I have to boycott the Post just because they gave Shockey's ghostwriter a weekly column. Not that I ever bought the Post in the first place, but it's the thought that counts.

The Dude said...

Shockey knowing all about the Colts reminds me of the catcher from Major League II who couldn't throw the ball unless he talked about Playboy articles. I'm guessing Shockey could do the same.

Jake Taylor: Rube, you look at Playboy all the time, don't you?
Rube Baker: I don't just look at it. I read the articles.
Jake Taylor: Sure you do.
Rube Baker: I do. I especially like it when they mention the girls' interests, like Betsy loves surfing.
Jake Taylor: You even memorize them?
Rube Baker: Yep. I guess I do.
Jake Taylor: Bingo.