Sunday, September 24, 2006

Chris Simms Loses Spleen, Ordered Off Anal Intercourse For At Least One Month


I thought I had a shitty day. The Vikings have apparently adopted the Ravens' offensive philosophy of never scoring touchdowns. And my two fantasy teams each got a nine-minute, Monica Belucci-style ass-raping. Fuck.

And then I found out that Chris Simms got the gay tattoos knocked the fuck off of his body by the Carolina Panthers. Simms was rushed to a Tampa hospital to have his freaking spleen removed after Tampa's last-second loss. Simms even required blood transfusions. I was going to make a gay joke here about Simms swapping bodily fluids with another man, until I considered the fact that Simms likely played the entire fourth quarter of Sunday's game with a major organ inside his body cavity bleeding profusely. And that is pretty fucking badass.

But even more badass than that is the fact that Panthers' defense hit a man so hard and so often that he had to have his spleen removed. Usually a sentence like that is written as comedic hyperbole. But the Panthers, in this case, literally did it. Fucking sweet. That's why football beats all the other pussy sports. I think the Panthers should be allowed keep the spleen as a trophy, and that they should be allowed to roast and eat the spleen family-style, in a curry sauce with basmati rice and naan. Maybe some daal on the side.

I don't know about you, but I'm extremely concerned with the rash of NFL QB's who are losing vital organs. Big Ben had his appendix removed. Daunte Culpepper had his brain removed. And now Chris Simms loses his spleen. Holy shit. Get these men a flak jacket and a spare digestive lining. Otherwise, these games are going to end up like the money scene in "Hamburger Hill", where the dude's clothing is the only thing holding his innards in. War, what is it good for? Some pretty awesome violence, I'd say.

So I had a bad day. But at least it wasn't as bad as Chris Simms' day. Or his spleen's. And for that, I am grateful to both.

19 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

I like my spleen with some raitha

doug_plank said...

So I'm guessing he will be questionable next week?

Unsilent Majority said...

perhaps while he's in for the spleenectomy he should look into a negroplasty

Suss & The Family Stone said...

I heard when the doctor removed the spleen and tossed it away, it was picked off by Chris Gamble, who promptly lateraled it to his teammate.

He manTooth said...

Do you need your spleen? I honestly don't know.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

if he's out for the year, it's the best thing to happen to tampa all season.

Are You Threatening Me? said...

The spleen was trying to escape Chris Simm's body. Even it couldn't stand what was happenimg in Tampa Bay and had to leave.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

So I'm guessing he will be questionable next week?

He's been questionable since having his teammates names tattooed on him.

flubby said...

BDD, you forgot about Aaron Brooks having his arm removed (and replaced by a mass of soba noodles).

Rob I said...

Chris Simms was traded yesterday in the FFLXDSP. Jefferson DArcy was pretty hard up for a QB so he pulled the trigger on Friday; the trade went through early Sunday morning. BigTDog got Deion Branch and Marion Barber in the deal.

Vegan Viking said...

Somehow, I think a millionaire losing his spleen is still having a better day than us. After all, the Vikes lost!

jester0165 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jester0165 said...

something about that spleen makes me want to go out and buy a pack of raisinets

the dude said...

So will Michele Tofoya be bringing out the diagram of a human to explain the spleen tonight? I bet, YES!

J.J. Gittes said...

Didn't I read somewhere after game 1 that Simms was "whimpering" after every Raven hit? Maybe he's been playing with a sore spleen all year. That's gotta earn him some kinda respect, right?

Right?

Is this thing on??

BTW, the spleen is kinda like a hot tub or an Aeron chair. It's good for the body, but you can live without it.

BigRicks said...

Too bad the Panthers don't get fantasy points for knocking Simms spleen out, then maybe my fantasy team would have a fighting fucking chance.

GEB4000 said...

No fava beans and a nice chianti?

InanimateCarbonRod said...

Chris Simms is a badass? Then the terrorists have truly won.

JoSCh said...

I can't wait to buy that laissez faire piece of meat on e-bay.