Thursday, October 26, 2006

Beltway blues...

As is well documented in these pages, the Redskins went down like Chloe Sevingy in The Brown Bunny in Indy this past Sunday and our own Unsilent Majority was there to give us a 'blow by blow' report. In the aftermath, this much is clear: The Redskins suck. Big time.

The 'Skins have clearly established themselves as the worst team in a crappy division. Their defense is woeful and their passing game is anemic. After getting housed by even the lowly Titans, it is painfully obvious to all but the most deluded of fans that the Redskins are done. This season, for all intents and purposes, is over, and it has been an abject failure. Blame can be spread far and wide. All involved should be summarily shot and buried in shallow, unmarked graves.

Some snarky wags would have you believe that this is some sort of instant karma for a dickhead owner who whoops it up with a Xenu-loving midget and his Stepford wife while making one of the loyalest fanbases walk a mile and a half because they would rather not pay $25 to park in the official Redskins parking lot. However, we at KSK prefer to save owner character-assassinations until after Thanksgiving-- besides there is so much blame to throw around.

Much is made of offensive coodinator Al Saunders' mythological five-volume 2,619 page playbook. Originally drafted by Hammurabi in 1720 B.C., the Redskins playbook is the cornerstone for all of Western jurisprudence. Hey Al, here's a new one for your add-- Brandon Lloyd runs down the field as fast as he can while the quarterback throws a pass of greater than 15 yards. Lloyd is the most pointless acquisition since Courtney Love bought her big fake tits.

Meanwhile, the Ghost of Joe Gibbs' best suggestion to improve the underachieving offense has been to put on new driver's side tires, lower the trackbar and taking a half-turn of wedge out of the right rear.

Much of the blame for the Redskins sad-sack performance can be placed on Mark Brunell. Brunell is the football equivalent of a Quaalude. Brunell apologists, bible-thumpers mostly, are quick to point out Brunell's sterling completion percentage. Listen godwads, three-yard screens to Chris Cooley aren't going to get you past the crappy Cowboys, let alone into the playoffs. If Brunell keeps this up, he may find himself getting forcibly sodomized by a Hogette. And by Hogette I mean Helen Thomas.

Not surprisingly, there is a growing clamor for Gibbs to give Jason Campbell a shot at QB. The 'Skins have nothing to lose at this point. We aren't sold on the proposition that Campbell is the answer to Washington's QB problems. Campbell looked solid at Auburn. Of course when you have Cadillac Williams and Ronnie Brown in the backfield you probably could have Jason Street playing quarterback and no one would notice the difference. But Campbell, unlike Brunell, might actually get the ball downfield and utilize some of the wide receivers to whom Danny-Boy Snyder is paying a shit-ton of money.

Look at the bright side Mark, lots of desperate losers are getting run out of DC this fall. Maybe you can get some of them to help you move.

Yet not everything in DC is terrible. Is it Friday yet???


The Redskins have a lot of work to do, but that can wait. It's time for some bye week fun over at the Redskins Fanhouse!

21 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

There's not much more that I can say...except that Helen Thomas is HOT!

the dude said...

You know some days I wish I was an old Champ Bailey jersey other days I wish I was a kid named Stitchface.

A.R.P. said...

All these short passes and giving up of long, back-breaking (c. washington post sports section) be making my penis soft.

The only thing that can save this boner, er, uh, team is a 9 game win streak.

Big Jim Slade said...

Ahhh, Wilson Stitchface. That guy landed some quality poon.

doug_plank said...

$ 25.00 for parking!!!!!

My God, next you will tell me they are charging more that $ 5.00 for a beer.

Landru said...

There's a "flubby"? Go figure.

I think we desperately need to remember that even though the Foreskins suck dirty Mountaineer behind, the worst thing--the WORST THING, I say--that we could become would be anything like whining Steeler fans. Let's just suck, nail Saint Mark to a cross, take our lumps for a season and a half, and be done with it.

Y'know, like we shoulda done last year.

HofC said...

Helen Thomas? The White House reporter? UM, I thought you had better taste than that!

Also, this season fucking blows. And my hand still hurts from punching my mantle during the 3rd quarter last week....

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

At this point, Tom Cruise could be taking snaps and we'd have a better shot at winning than with Brunell. Looks like we will probably have to win the SuperBowl next offseason for the 5 year straight. Then again, we will probably trade away all of our draft picks for some half-ass Jets players.

Big AL said...

'and a good time was had by all'

Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom said...

The plan brewing in DC sadly is not to let Brunell's contract run out and then hand it over to J.C.

The plan is to let Brunell's contract run out, bring him back as QB Coach, sign or trade for Drew Bledsoe or Jake Plummer, give them a contract ten times what ANY other team would offer, and then let whomever signs first play out THEIR contract until J.C. has Al Saunders offense down perfectly. At which point J.C. will be 30, and Al Saunders will not be the Offensive Coordinator anymore ... Damn it.

Big Jim Slade said...

Landru, it's spelled winning Steeler fans...

Unsilent Majority said...

hofc...joking

gymclassheroes said...

In my next life, I wanna come back as that football...

Oh, I also hope Matt Millen get reincarnated into Chris Simms' spleen, that taint-licker.

Big AL said...

redskin fans should chip in for flight lessons for Dan Snyder at Stang-Air.


its never too soon.

Awful Chief said...

That indeed would be sweet, gym.
When the Matt Millen era began in Detroit, what must be 37 years ago by now, there was a billboard visible from I-94 that had him in a Bryant Gumbele esque pose with some numbers overlaying a shot of a Lions play behind him and "MASTERMIND" along the bottom.
It's been a perpetual rumphing. It should be legal to bet on the NFL in Michigan so residents can enjoy the feeling of rooting for a real football team.
Maybe with a good draft we can hope to have the type of season the Redskins are having.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Schadenfreude of the highest order.

Roy Hobbs said...

Every year is the same story - the Skins bid up the free agent market and make a bunch of high-profile signings.

And then they fall flat once the season comes.

It is becoming as predictable as the return of the swallows to Capistrano, and I for one have to say it couldn't happen to a more appropriate team.

Grimey said...

I find it slightly humorous that everybody on the Redskins is getting hurt EXCEPT Brunell.

Big AL said...

ok, Stang-Air

WeJamEcono said...

But I love their cheerleaders.

C. said...

I could come back as the football or the jersey -- either way.

The Skins' suckdom has truly been a thing to behold (we get Skins games sometimes in my area because Brunell is a native boy done good or some such shit.)