Now that we're six weeks deep in to this glorious season we're beginning to see certain teams stand out above the rest. On the flip-side we're also seeing which teams simply don't belong in the same class as everyone else. As is usually the case, credit and blame can easily be attributed to these teams' respective coaches; so far we've seen heavy doses of under and overachievers alike. I figured it's about damn time to sort out this mess so that you, the reader, can make an informed decision when trying to target the best coach in the NFL.
Here are your favorites with their odds to win:
- Sean Payton (1/3)- It almost seems just a bit too perfect for this former scab quarterback and Bill Parcells lapdog (I don't even know which is worse). He's led the Saints back to New Orleans and respectability in just six weeks all the while giving Chris Berman, Bob Costas, and all the other studio guys simultaneous erections. I can hardly believe that this is the same guy who got his play-calling duties yanked out from under him by Jim Fassel in New York. Now Fassel has seen the same fate befall him at the hands of confirmed genius Brian Billick. It's times like these that make me wonder if I could coach in the NFL...then I wake up.
- Marty Schottenheimer (2/1)- Even though he's routinely hated by fans (and his own players), Martyball is holding it down in San Diego. This guy is like the Monty Burns of the NFL; the more people want him to die the more power he's able to wield. When I asked Marty to comment on his chances to win such an honor he replied, "Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism!" I was then escorted out of the office by goons...hired goons.
- Lovie Smith (5/1)- Despite being named after Mrs. Thurston Howell III this dude is pretty badass. He looked into the drooping eyes of Denny Green and declared his presence with authority. As long as the Bears keep eating up the NFC like the Lawnmower Man Lovie figures to remain in consideration. Of course voting for a guy with such a dominant team is kind of like fucking your sister-in-law, you want to do it but it still feels wrong.
- Bill Belichick (7/1)- He's brilliant, he's arrogant, and he's somewhere in between evil and insane...just like Young Frankenstein! The mad doctor also has a pretty little hand puppet that will do his bidding and clean up nice for the cameras. Belichick has proven once again that he doesn't give a shit about things like "talent" as long as his brilliance and Stalinesque control remain intact.
- Nick Saban (1/10)- Oh how the mighty have fallen...before the season pundits across the board were all set to hand Saban Coach of the Year honors as well as the Nobel Prize and the virginity of their first-born daughters. I think now I understand why he was such a great recruiter. As soon as shit started to play out on the field everybody saw his achilles heel, his inability to win football games. How could things get worse for Coach Saban? You guessed it, he just signed New Mexico off the practice squad. At this rate Saban might wind up getting stomped to death by his friendly neighbors from Coral Gables.
- Denny Green (2/1)- Before I just thought he was incompetent, now I realize that he's incompetant and crazier than Howard Dean on a meth bender. Actually the comparisons between the two don't have to stop at their uncomfortably hilarious on-camera exploits, neither one of them has ever won anything worth a damn. That 15-1 regular season in Minnesota was roughly the equivalent of Dean's crazy primary momentum. In the long run they are both destined for hilarious failure. YAHHHHH! CROWN 'EM!!!!!
- Art Shell (10/1) Okay, now it's just getting kind of sad. Shell is
probablythe most impotent coach the NFL has seen since Jerry Glanville. It would be so easy to label him as the worst coach in the league but that would be unfair; we all know the only reason Shell has a job is to deflect critisism from Al Davis. Of course the Cryptkeeper refers to this brilliant strategy as "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies."