Thursday, December 14, 2006

SCEN-ARIO! SCEN-ARIO ! SCEN-ARIO!


There may be three whole weeks left in the regular season, but the playoff picture is becoming less grainy '70s grindhouse porn production and more crystal clear HD classy wank DVD. With the exception of the NFC East, every division leader has a minimum two-game lead. Not much drama there. However, there's still much to be worked out in the race for a wild card berth. Herewith, KSK details what some teams need to ascend to be top-seed fodder in the playoffs.

I was planning on including every team that was still mathematically alive (the better to drone on about my Steelers, from which all fandom and cheap jokes flow) but flubby chimed in with this comment: "The Steelers? How big is this hypothetical bubble? Are the Winnipeg Blue Bombers also on this bubble? How about the the Under Armor team?" Fuck you, you bourbon-battered bastard. I keed. There's nothing but camaraderie at KSK, at least as long as Falco stays dead.

Anyway, on with the post. Here is what the playoff picture looks like for teams on the bubble.

AFC

The Bengals clinch a playoff berth if:

They kill a bunch of witnesses.

OR

The DA finds his daughter missing.




The Jaguars clinch a playoff berth if:

What, like a guy wearing a $10,000 suit isn't making the playoffs? Come on!

OR

They move to an actual city.


The Nigh Jets clinch a playoff berth if:

Their fans are dreaming.

OR

Mangini ignores Caveman's complaints about public breastfeeding and wet nurses his limparmed QB until he builds the strength to hit the Cotchery hard.



The Broncos clinch the playoffs if:

Shanahan employs his trademark offensive wizardry to compensate for Jay Cutler's inexperience.

OR

Bhahahahaha...waitwaitwait...bahahaha. Alright, I'm okay.




The Chiefs clinch a playoff berth if:

It's Lamar Hunt's death wish.

OR

I wish for them to go so I won't go to hell for that last comment.

NFC


The Giants clinch a playoff berth if:

Jeremy Shockey solves the Monty Hall problem. Or, you know, Dallas completely collapses. Both are equally unlikely.

Tom Coughlin finds a suitable squash partner for Eli Manning.




The Eagles clinch a playoff berth if:

There's a cure for torn ACL in pill form.

OR

There isn't a sale at Merv's for the next three Sundays.





The Falcons clinch a playoff berth if:

Opposing teams use the same toilet as Michael Vick.

OR

There is no other option.





The Panthers clinch a playoff berth if:

Chris Weinke throws at least 60 passes in every game, especially this Sunday.

OR

Steve Smith pulls a Baseball Bugs and does everything himself.


The Vikings clinch a playoff berth if:

They get another five Artose Pinners.

OR

Someone finally explains to me what an Artose Pinner is. I checked Urban Dictionary and everything.



If you don't live in D.C., there's a fair chance you don't get the headline. S'ok, it's a reference to a famous go-go track. We're
into that kind of thing here. I'll go back to being white now. Grilled cheese with a side of no rhythm, please.

38 comments:

Captain Caveman said...

Somebody put some clothes on that cat.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

If somehow Jeff Garcia gets his playmate girlfriend to get her playmate friends to have a gang-bang with andy reid, i think the motivation for the playoffs will be there.

peytonloveskenny said...

I couldn't agree more. Chris Weinke should definitely throw at least 60 times on Sunday.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I was surprised to hear that Weinke even still existed last week - much less that he was starting.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

Blogcritics Sports clinches a playoff berth in the Best Sports Blog voting if:

I own 30 computers.

swing4 said...

This has been the best week of posts on KSK ever. Thank you, Gentlemen (and cat).

Captain Caveman said...

+1 Suss

highonLowe said...

Thanks for explaining the headline. The only thing I remember about DC is Archibald's, Camelot, The Jefferson, a turkish waitress who worked at Camelot, and the turkish waitress at the Jefferson.
I have pictures of a Cubs loss at RJK though

Unsilent Majority said...

THE OVERNIGHT SCENARIO-SCENARIO!

you have no idea...this song is now in my head for all eternity. god i'm hungover.

SteveJeltzFan said...

6 in the morning, the pan-cake house.

UM, if you are hungover, do not attempt to comprehend the Monty Hall problem.

Big Daddy Drew said...

RRRRRROAW RRRRRRROAW like a dungeon dragon!
Change your little drawers cause your pants are saggin'!

Signal to Noise said...

I need to actually listen to some go-go sometime (I already partake of enough DC hardcore). I thought it was a Tribe Called Quest reference when I started reading.

Where should I start if I want a good example of the genre?

I would take some offense to your characterization of the Broncos' chances if they weren't true.

Captain Caveman said...

We may have to look to Checkady-choco, the chocolate chicken, for further insight.

Son of Brasky said...

Mr. Ape, I'll see you at Pour House on Penn on Sunday night. I'll be the person clad in a teal #90, fending off fairweather Steelers fans who are probably originally from Sandusky, Ohio.

As the only Panther's fan around these blog parts, is there some sort of wager that can be made regarding this week's sunday night game between the Steelers and Panthers? I propose an alcohol related wager?

Unsilent Majority said...

c.- your best bets are to download everything you find from the groups rare essence, backyard band, and junk yard band. if you want the classics hit up chuck brown.

Awful Chief said...

Chuck Brown is at the 9:30 Club on the 29th.

Christmas Ape said...

Sunday night? You do realize they have the early game, right?

I'll look for you before the game, SOB, you dirty little S.O.B. We'll work something wagerly out - I think you're only proposing that because you read my superstitions post.

And, hey, I'm a diehard Steelers fan originally from Allentown, PA. (Iggles country)

Becky said...

I was also hoping for A Tribe Called Quest relation when I saw the header. I love the silky stylings of Q Tip.

As always, it sucks to never see my team in the "What they have to do to make the playoffs" list. But it's not all bad, at least they make a snappy wallet.

Unsilent Majority said...

Chuck Brown is at the 9:30 Club on the 29th.

holy shizzle

Son of Brasky said...

Forgive me Ape, I forgot that the NFL now has the ability to prevent crappy night games at the end of the season, thus, the Panthers v. Steelers now at 1pm. I wasn't referring to you as the fairweather fan from Ohio. But if you ever make a trip to Charlotte, you can count on meeting more than your fair share of Steeler's fans, most of them being from anywhere but Pittsburg. So go ahead and plan on Sunday's game looking more like a Steeler's home game than a Panther's game, minus the ketchup.

Christmas Ape said...

I have extended family in Raleigh, and they have season tickets for the Panthers. In 2004, I went to the Panthers/Chargers game - which ranks high in one of the ugliest played games I've ever witnessed, live or televised.

With minimal offense intended, it sorta freaked me out how dead Charlotte is on a Sunday. Stadium is nice, though.

Signal to Noise said...

UM - thanks much.

Son of Brasky said...

Ape, Charlotte was dead on a Sunday because everyone was at church or at home/bar watching NASCAR. Welcome to the bible belt dude, home of jesus, Earnhardt, and Bourbon.

4giantsfans said...

Brasky, I though t Earnhardt WAS Jesus. Does that mean they sit at his altar, drink Bourbon instead of the communal wine and NASCAR instead of reading the bible?

4giantsfans said...

watch NASCAR, dammitt

8hrdrive said...

Chiefs and Broncos shouldn't be listed.
Chiefs playoff hopes died in Cleveland, 2 weeks before Lamar died.
tan man and the horseheads suck as well.

word verification:zllli
a pasta I seen on Everyday Italian with Gaida DeLaurentis. *drool*

highonLowe said...

Alas, there is another Panthers fan on the blog. Although, I'm a radical asshole of Panthers fan around these parts because I openly express my opinion that Jake Delhomme sucks worse than Ricky Craven, whereas most morons are still in love with the guy (both Jake and Craven).
By the way, congrats to App State on their 1 loss season and the national D-II championship they'll win this weekend. Still no match for NC State though

Unsilent Majority said...

i still find it hard to believe that somebody built an edifice in the appalachians for the sole purpose of higher education.

The Pirate Sloth said...

That's a fierce looking Panther.

Unsilent Majority said...

Ever since I saw the picture I've been imagining Donald Duck doing a Tom Mora impression. It's keeping me amused.

tbart213 said...

unlike the Pirate Sloth I still don't believe Weinke still exists.

A cardboard cutout can throw incomplete passes too ya know.

The jury's still out for me sloth.

ps-I like any post that references the Bugs Bunny post. That was Deadspin at it's finest. Too bad they went under. I sure do miss them. Mayeb they took Weinke with them.

The Last Unitard said...

One time I drove past the Dischord house.

Man.. can't believe I used to wear X's.

God I need a beer. And some blow.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Lets all hope and pray for a Panthers/Jaguars Super Bowl.

Pussy Galore Bowl maybe?

Son of Brasky said...

I still find it hard to believe that DC's finest haven't arrested UM for bestiality.

Ok, so that was a lame attack reminiscent of this year's Virginia Senate race, but you've got to consider the fragile state of mind I'm currently in. Not only do the Panthers suck, but I have the unfortunate responsibility of claiming to be a Bobcat's fan. You can see why I take offense when someone takes a dump on my school. At any rate...

GO Drunken-Mountain-Men!
(and comments by NC State fans will not be taken seriously until you beat UNC in football or basketball)

Rusty said...

I live in DC and have never heard a go-go song in my life. Hurray for gentrifying transplant assholes! Whoopee!

Senor Beavis said...

3 in the morning, the pancake house! 4 in the morning we'll be rollin' to my house!

Also, don't forget the Northeast Groovers! Slam the Van Damme jam in your face! Beats so strong, sting your ass like mace!

Matt said...

What?! No scenario for the 49ers?

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