Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I Am An Insufferable Dipshit


Is the camera on me? Is it on? Did you check? I don't see the red light. Well, check it AGAIN. Why is the camera man so far away? Zoom in. No, I wanna be in more of the shot, you fucking zombies. Bring it in on me. Do you know where I got these glasses? Marc Jacobs. They cost more than your household's income for a year. So get a good fucking shot, or I'll just make you do it again.

Is it my turn to talk yet? Albom's still fucking talking. He's been talking for 30 seconds now. I've been timing it. It's my fucking turn to talk. Are you looking at me? I'm sitting all the way at the front of my seat. That should indicate to you that I am READY TO CHIME IN. In fact, my ass isn't even touching the chair, that's how far forward I am. I am the goddamn crouching tiger. Look at Ryan. He's sitting all the way back in his chair. Does he have anything to say? No. Lazy shit. Read my fucking body cues, people.

Pffffffffftttttt!!!! Who gave me this tea? Who?! That girl? Come here, Guadalupe, or whatever your name is. Let me let you in on a little secret, my dear. You remember Mr. Schaap? The nice old man who used to be here? Remember how he died due to malpractice? Yeah, well that wasn't malpractice. That was Lupica. I am the star here now, and you better fucking get used to it. So when I tell you that I want Earl Grey, I don't expect you to bring me fucking sawdust in a Tetley bag. Okay, sweetheart? Tazo. T-A-Z-O. See if you can get that into that teeny tiny itsy bitsy wittle brain of yours. Stupid bitch.

And while we're at it, honey, who told you I drink Deer Park? Deer Park is for the poor saps in payroll. Everyone at Valerio Productions knows Lupica drinks Voss, chilled to exactly 38 degrees Fahrenheit. So why don't you do your homework before giving me this prison sludge? Frankly, I'm amazed you managed to get out of Nicaragua, or Costa Rica, or wherever the fuck it is you're from. Oh, you're crying? You thought I was a nice man, didn't you? Sorry, sweetie. My heart only bleeds for the camera.

Is Albom done? Yes, he's done. About fucking time. That was a nice parting shot, Albom. But you're the undercard, pussy. The people aren't here to see you. Always remember that. I'm about to blow you out of the fucking water. When I'm done, no one will remember whatever hockey bullshit it was you were talking about. Go write another book about people dying, douchebag. I'm about to school you. Take notes and maybe you'll be able to earn enough money to fix whatever the fuck is going on with the tops of your ears.

I'm ready now. My voice is feeling supple. What I'm gonna do is start off with a killer joke. Okay? Here it is:

You know, maybe it's me, but I think Roger Goodell must be taking commissioning lessons from Bud Selig.

Okay, I'm going to half-snicker at my own killer joke now, which is the cue for you three bozos to start guffawing like the idiots that you are. Then, when you're done laughing at my comedic majesty, I'm gonna turn deadly serious. It's gonna show off my range. Watch.

But seriously. If Goodell thinks he can just sweep steroids under the rug, then he is doomed to repeat baseball's history. Because there's a story about steroids and the NFL that has yet to be written. And rest assured, someone will write it. And, when they do, the same bloodhounds that picked at baseball's decade-old scabs will pick up a fresh scent... the scent of pigskin.

BOOM! Fucking nailed it. You see how literary that was? It's almost like I'm outside of my own body when I'm doing it. That's how special it feels. That's the kind of sportswriting that wins you awards, gentlemen. The kind that gets you on Letterman. How many of you assholes have been on Letterman? That's right. Zero. Check and mate. Live with the pain.

Okay, what I'm gonna do now is wrap it all up with one killer fucking line. Something for the kids to think about the rest of the day.

So Goodell better hurry, or else he'll find out the hard way, as baseball did, that ignorance is a miss.

See how I took the phrase "ignorance is bliss" and just gave it that little twist? God, what a dagger. It makes you laugh. It makes you ponder. It makes you wistfully nostalgic. It makes me cream my Brooks Brothers suit pants. You know what? I think I want to shoot it again.

Did you hear me? I said I want to shoot it again. Matter of fact, I don't see my book on the coffee table here. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BOOK?! You think I come here as a gift?! I want to do it again, and I want my book in the shot. And, if we have to do it 36 times over, we will. What I say, goes. I fucking own you people.

Just ask Whitlock.

46 comments:

tbart213 said...

While I agree wholeheartedly with your perspective of Lupica, I wish you wouldn't have mentioned Alboms ears. He was hard enough to listen to, now I have to try not to look at his ears. It's a good thing he's not one of the people i get to meet in heaven or I'd be afraid to get kicked out for staring at them.

Joey D said...

You're absolutely right. I hate Mitch Albom, too.

Unsilent Majority said...

take a bow drew

Awful Chief said...

Next time don't forget to mention your single digit handicap next time, Mikee. You fuck.

swing4 said...

Seriously. Just a genius piece right there, Drew. Excellent work. Thank you.

Unsilent Majority said...

jesuit schools breed assholes

Dweeze said...

Perfect

Dweeze said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mr. Carter said...

Excellent job. You captured his whiny ass voice perfectly.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

Sweet Sweet takedown BDD...no whinier bitch on TV than that little punk

He's most thrilled that he doesn't get his lunch money taken every day anymore

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

Re-wording a Culpepper/Flutie analogy:

Whitlock takes dumps bigger than Lupica

robustyoungsoul said...

That show is completely unwatchable at this point thanks to this moron. Kudos.

Basshole said...

Just about every Sunday I wake up with a hangover. The bad days are when I've left the TV on and I find myself listening to this assclown on the Sports Reporters and I feel to shitty to get up.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Now THAT'S how you do a parting shot! Nice work, BDD.

The Last Unitard said...

Anyone else want to see Lupica and Album slap each other to death?

Chris said...

tremendous

The Last Unitard said...

Shucks. Albom.

Awful Chief said...

Has anyone ever heard a single person express anything but hatred for Lupica? Even my mom calls him a "know-it-all little twirp" when she hears that show on.

Unsilent Majority said...

awful chief- george costanza

becky said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Suss & The Family Stone said...

You had me at "dipshit."

Signal to Noise said...

That was masterful.

I second the Lupica-Albom slap fight to the death.

Sofa King said...

Sawdust in a Tetley bag. Genius. To say that guy is a prick is an insult to pricks. Fuck him.

TheBigSecret said...

Why don't you tell us how you really feel...

The Revolting Blob said...

I worked at a golf course in north Scottsdale, that Lupica played at one time. After he got done w/his round, he showed his displeasure at the slow play, by throwing his golf shoes at his cart like an angry 3 year old. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

flubby said...

But did you win the caddy scholarship?

whitefolks said...

Sunday mornings are made for waking up, baking up and basking in the deadly glow of Cindy Garrison on the Deuce. I mean really, more Bob Ley, the new black guy replacing Whitlock or her putting a round in a Gobi sheep from a few hundred yards?

Philistines.

The Last Unitard said...

I hope Lupica gets haunted by Dick Schaap's ghost for Christmas.

The Last Unitard said...

Or better yet... A Schaap/Ralph Wiley ghost tag team.

Sofa King said...

The next time I want to see that guy is
in the obituaries.

Fornelli said...

Drew is the LaDainian Tomlinson of pretending to be other people.

Mike said...

Fantastic, Drew. Easterbrook, now Lupica. By February the entire sporting press should be lying like a pile of ground meat at your feet.

The Jet fan & Lupica hater in me wants to see Eric Mangini (emphasis on Mangia) eat this little prick for his halftime snack.

BF said...

Because there's a story about steroids and the NFL that has yet to be written. And rest assured, someone will write it.

Hey Mike: aren't you a writer? If you think this is such an important story, why don't you DO THE JOB THE DAILY NEWS PAYS YOU FOR AND DO IT YOURSELF?????????

Maybe it's because you know you suck and would just screw it up...

Sideshownixon said...

Not to nitpick, but you fogot to add the internal monologue where he tells himself it's time to blow Derek Jeter. Otherwise, fucking nice.

The Last Unitard said...

Drew, can you teach me how to pretend not to be a Vikings fan?

stopmikelupica said...

I would be amiss if I didn't comment on my hated namesake. The only thing worse than Mike Lupica's SR appearances are his actual column, which he writes once a month, then repeats the same column two to three times a week for the next month. Mike Lupica hasn't watched an actual sports game in years, either.

And you know what?

Single sentence paragraphs look weak, Mike.

J Money said...

I get so tired of Lupica and his repeateded uses of his same lame jokes. The one he used FOREVER was about Tony Dungy: "It's time for the defensive guru to start guru-ing." God, he thought that was some funny shit. I remember seeing him say it on at LEAST three or four different Sports Reporters episodes, apparently not understanding the concept of TV and how the same people might be watching from week to week.

As for Albom, I've always liked him somewhat but his ears (and the hair growing over them) have been a mystery to me, too. What IS the deal? Maybe it's because he's from Michigan.

BigRicks said...

Yoda is the patriarch of Mitch Albom's family. He's preachy, he has the ears, very annoying at times, doesn't listen to anybody else, but still isn't nearly as much of an insufferable twat as the guy sitting next to him (Obi-wan:Lupica)

Also, Fuck Ewan McGreggor and George Lucas for making Obi-Wan such a pussy.

NT said...

wow... the hate is thick in here

Rob said...

Only because the bullshit is DEEP out there.

GetaLife said...

i read blogs about mike lupica because i don't have a life

and then i read a bob ryan interview mentioning lupica

http://www.sportsmediaguide.com/11272006-BobRyan-Pt2.asp

and i still don't have a life

Suss & The Family Stone said...

I see Lupica

I think Miles from Murphy Brown.

whykiki said...

Maybe it was being fourteen & not knowing any better, but I didn't mind Lupica's commentaries on the short-lived FOX Network magazine "Front Page".

I think that Chris Matthews did some of those, too.

& now that I'm 26, I still watch Hardball (when I can), but I never watch Sports Reporters.

Jackin'4Beats said...

mike@lupica.com

Please send him the link to this blog. Maybe he'll have a complete hissy fit on the Sports Reporters next week or maybe he'll shout and scream in his column.

Someone should slap his short a$$ around for constantly annoying us with his grating voice.

bokononsays said...

"How many of you assholes have been on Letterman? That's right. Zero." Don't forget Stephen A. http://www.deadspin.com/sports/espn/stephen-a-smith-calls-letterman-jay-153755.php

Omar Cruz said...

this report is fantastic, the infomation you show us is really interesting and is good written. Do you want to see something more? Look: this is a good page, you can visit too:Great investment opportunity at Costa Rica Pacific Coast, Preconstruction condos in costa rica ,
Condo sales in costa rica, Retirement property in costa rica. Visit us for more info at: http://www.ramadajaco.com/