Women of New England, warm up your genitals: Tom Brady -- With Leather's faux gay crush -- and aging starlet Bridget Moynahan have called it quits.
Of course, this was something I called for back in August -- we all know Tom was slumming -- so I'm looking forward to all the Playmate-nailing and A-list distractions that will derail the Patriots' season(s) over the coming months and years. Really, this is a terrific development for dirty, voyeuristic sports bloggers such as myself.
As such, I thought I'd go all Cultural Oddsmaker on you and look at who presents the brightest prospects for landing Dreamboat on the rebound.
Rachael McAdams: 4-1
Granted, she's a hockey fan, but her rising star has sputtered a little since Wedding Crashers, so she could use the extra pub. Plus, she's cuter than a sackful of kittens. The tabloids would love to see America's Sweetheart paired with a hot Canadian chick.
Playmate of the Year: 3-2
The timing couldn't be better for this: the PMOY is named in January, which is exactly when Tom will have more time on his hands. Personally, I think the favorites this year are Miss February Cassandra Lynn (left) and Miss March Monica Leigh.
Having done some extensive research in this department, I suggest that under no circumstances should you look at them exposed to the elements in NSFW galleries. Like this one of Cassandra. Or this one of Monica. I'm telling you: don't do it! KSK is trying to be taken seriously as the Best Sports Blog, and we don't want to garner votes merely because there happens to be pretty girls on the page.
[Edit: I guess the PMOY is actually revealed -- heh, "revealed" -- in May. Whatever, I stand by the joke.]
Victoria's Secret Model: 15-1
They're mostly Brazilian and European, so they can't properly appreciate the mythology of this fine piece of man-ass. Their jetsetting ways and preference for soccer players up the degree of stifficulty on this one.
Tara Reid: 200-1
Remember, Dreamboat invited her to a Pats game Pre-Bridget. You know he's already mashed her guts, so he'd definitely make the phone call for an easy rebound if she hadn't gone down that long shame spiral of public intoxication and mangled plastic surgery.
So sad. Remember how hot she was in American Pie? That's how I'll choose to remember her.
Some Hot Foreign Chick You've Never Heard Of: 4-1
I could see Brady being tired of the American A-list scene and taking a vacation overseas after the Pats suffer a tough road loss in the playoffs. Of course, he'll be drawn to places like Monaco and Ibiza, where the granite-jawed hunk will begin a torrid affair with some hot famous chick. But here's the twist: she's from another country! (like the lovely Miss Francesca Ceci, pictured).
Plus, it would tie in nicely to Roger Goodell's desire to spread the NFL's seed throughout the world.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Even
Here's a little tidbit tucked away on Patriots.com that Cranky Colts dug up:
“Matt and I fight like teenage girls,” said Tom Brady, speaking of backup QB Matt Cassel. “We are always slapping each other around and wrestling and slap boxing and [messing] around with each other in the weight room. And so I decided to take that to the next level. And we were messing around in the quarterback room one day and he walked in with a milkshake, and I kind of put my foot by the door, and I kicked the door and the milkshake splashed up and went all over him. So he sat down, and I was laughing. So I said give me the towel, because I wanted to clean up the wall. So I threw the towel at his face, and it had shake all over it. He had a little shake in his mouth and he spit it all over me.”Wow.
I mean, wow. That's gonna keep Bosox Siobhan lubed up the rest of the month.