Monday, December 11, 2006

Tuesday Morning Pretentious Douchebaggery


And verily, the Football Gods wept. For as they surveyed the NFL landscape, they realized that not a single NFL team was coached or managed properly. For none of them had asked the brilliant TMQ for advice. And verily they asked, why? Why could there only be one Gregg Easterbrook, writer of highfalutin magazine articles no one reads and member of some dipshit think tank no one listens to, in this world? For clearly Gregg Easterbrook is the smartest man alive. Why would the Gods only allow one Gregg Easterbrook to exist when he's so clearly smarter than any coach, GM, rocket scientist, president, Nobel Laureate, or autistic savant?

Ye Gods.

Stat of the Week No. 1: Not counting games they lost, the Colts have won 257 games in a row.

Stat of the Week No. 2: 30 teams had more passing yards than rushing yards.

Stat of the Week No. 3: My IQ is 254.

Stat of the Week No. 4: My SAT score was 1560. And, if I took the test now, I'd get the full 2400. Face.

Stat of the Week No. 5: I have 7 graduate degrees.

Stat of the Week No. 6: I read 16.5 newspapers every day (TMQ only counts the International Herald Tribune as half a paper.).

Stat of the Week No. 7: This column is 90,000 words long because I can't help being so astonishingly smart.

Stat of the Week No. 8: My penis is 1.77 inches long.


I Masturbate in a Classier Way Than You Do: Our Cheerleader of the Week is Tiffany of the Redskins. She says her favorite show is Battlestar Galactica! A cheerleader who also likes sci-fi? TMQ is impressed. TMQ is engorged. Now TMQ is manipulating his penis using only his powerful brain waves. TMQ has now spread his incredibly intelligent seed all over his keyboard. Tiffany, we salute you!

Sweet'n'Sour Play Of The Week: Philip Rivers of the Chargers play faked a run, and then threw a pass for a touchdown. The play-fake was sweet. The fact that the defense was comprised mainly of men who did not graduate from their respective colleges, and therefore do not understand the nuances of the play fake as TMQ does, was sour.

80% Of This Column Was Written Using Autotext! DirecTV has a monopoly! There is "dark matter" in the universe! CEO's who fly private planes are fucking assholes! Coaches only make decisions that will make them look good! No one touched the running back on that run! He shouldn't get any credit! My son Spenser is very advanced and will ruin the curve for your unintelligent child!

Be One of Six Non-Family Member to Read My Book! Be sure to pick up a copy of my book, The Progress Paradox. It asks why people, despite having more money than ever, are unhappier than ever. And the reason is because anyone who is not tastefully named Gregg Easterbrook is a shallow, materialistic, narcissistic sack of shit. If you are a well-read person who thinks about the cosmos a lot, you're probably going to be more like me. And that will make you happy.

I Take Everything Literally! Once again, the New York Times was 0-16 picking the final scores to this week's games, bringing their overall record to 0-7,895. Of course, those predictions are made largely for fun, but TMQ prefers to think that editors at the Times were dead serious about them, so that TMQ can condescendingly mock their folly. Folly, I say!

This week's "The 4400" Complaint In this week's episode, Tommy can travel back in time. TMQ finds this absurd. There is no scientific proof that people can actually go back in time. TMQ is unimpressed. TMQ dislikes suspending disbelief because TMQ's beliefs are so powerful.

Why Are You Punting? Trailing 70-0, the Raiders launched a mincing fraidy-cat punt from their own 1. Of course, TMQ knew what would happen next. Touchdown. Now it's 77-0 with 10 seconds left, and TMQ wrote the words, "Game over" in his notebook. TMQ doesn't need to see what will happen next. TMQ plays chess and can visualize all the moves ahead. Don't act like you're not impressed.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed And Lost, Then Never to Have Rushed at All: The Bears led 7-0 with 14:59 left to go in the first quarter. Run out the clock from here and victory is the most likely outcome. Instead, it was pass, pass, pass, pass, run, pass, run, run, pass, pass, pass, run, pass, pass, run, run, run, halftime, pass, pass, run, run, run, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, run, two minute warning, pass, pass. Wait, what happened?

I Actually Wrote This In A Football Column: Attend worship services of any faith or denomination. You have obligations to your Maker and your fellow men and women; it's best not to lose sight of that. (You fucking shallow heathens.)

I'm So Classy, I Say Cognomen Instead of Nicknames: Reader Frank Johnson of Greenwich, CT, writes, "TMQ, you are so smart. I wish I could be smart like you. But I'm not. I want to hang myself. Anyway, in an attempt to sound as erudite as you, I propose nicknaming the Denver Broncos the Denver Kimchiwannawannnadingdongs, which is ancient Mandarin for 'horses that run'. I'd also like you to use this nickname at all times so that readers won't know what team you're talking about." Mr. Data, make it so!

Coaches Who Do Not Read TMQ Will Suffer: Kick Early, Go For It Late! But fortune favors the bold! Stop me before I blitz again! Play straight defense and you will win! But maybe teams should never punt! TMQ writes about paradoxes but fails to identify his own!

I Actually Also Wrote This In A Football Column: First, it's long been clear that (Bill) Parcells is an egomaniac in both the casual and, perhaps, clinical senses of that word. Lately he's gone downhill to simply becoming a nasty person, spitting and snarling at everyone around him. What's Parcells going to do next, demand worship? When I look at Parcells, the phrase that comes to mind is "failed human being." (A failed human being who has won two championships and will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame one day. But has he ever discussed free trade agreements? TMQ does not like equating succeeding with success.)

Wacky Food Of The Week: Last week, TMQ ate at Citronelle, a four-star restaurant in DC that commoners like yourself wouldn't be allowed in. But, since I'd like to identify with you, I want to tell you about the wacky things on the menu! Like the venison with truffle ragout! Doesn't that sound crazy?! It sure does to TMQ, though TMQ knows damn well that venison and truffles are an inspired pairing. Your haute cuisine frightens and confuses me, Mr. Chef man. But not really.

Oh Ye Mortals, Trifle Not With The (Clearly Christian) Football Gods: Pittsburg of Kansas ran up the score again! TMQ is fucking pissed! Football is for learning! The coach of Pittsburg is clearly a point-grubbing Jew.

Reader Animadstracionation: Want to impress TMQ by writing a haiku or passing on some obscure factoid you read about in The New Republic? Write to TMQ, and if you possess one-eighth of my intellect, I may deign to indulge you. Soon, you too will come to enjoy football while finding it totally beneath you.

51 comments:

Captain Caveman said...

Spenser's going to grow up to be a Faerie Queene.

Unsilent Majority said...

mmmm....citronelle....mmmm.

Rob I said...

I had my animadversion answered in a column last season. Yep, these are Gregg Easterbrook's readers.

Koos said...

Thank you thank you thank you. Drew, if I were a hot chick I'd show you my boobs for that post. I'm.... so happy right now.

{ k }

Greg Easterbrook = (Joe Buck x 2) + (Joe Thiesmann - minus experience) + (John Madden - turducken) in print form.

SteveJeltzFan said...

This is brilliant.

Gregg Easterbrook & Michael Musto = Separated at Birth?

peytonloveskenny said...

Wow. That was the most amazing thing ever. What would the world do without TMQ?

Critical Sports Blog said...

My dick is bigger than Easterbook yet he's the bigger dick.

Spectacular Sam said...

awesome.

Landru said...

Drew wins. Now and for all time. Forever and ever, amen. I bow down in abject unworthiness.

Mike said...

Excellent.

For your next assignment, Drew, compose a mock column as if written by Easterbrook and Simmons.

And what the hell, throw in the ghost of Ralph Wiley. See if you can combine "Yo, dawg," "Ye Gods," and "I will now ram a broken bottle of tabasco sauce up my ass, let's just move on" into One Sentence.

goto11 said...

Fucking awesome.

highonLowe said...

Greg+g=douchebagg

Its one of the unwritten laws of the universe. Easterbrook and Doyel are indisputable evidence.

Germane O'Neal said...

drew slams nail on head
named jesus risen from dead
extra g for (insert gagging noise)

highonLowe said...

Tiffany of the Redskins: Breaking Barriers. First tranny in the NFL

JoSCh said...

Ehh, unless you post some compromising pictures of his daughter color me unimpressed. Pussy.

Gustakooka said...

Funny thing about TQM (not really that funny)I love astronomy, he purports to speak as an astronomy lover, yet nails astronomy with the skill he nails the NFL.

Gustakooka, after violating his ugly wife in front of his son, writes "Fuck you" on her back with her own anal residue.

tbart213 said...

perfect

Laser Rocket Arm said...

You forgot Easterbrook's little tic of calling cheerleaders "cheer-babes." Oh, so clever.

Hey, Gustakooka, instead of writing "fuck you" on her back with anal residue, how about writing it where a dirty sanchez would go? I mean, if you can write small enough.

TechNoir said...

Sir Drew this is the single best post I have ever read on the internets. I would stay and glorify your existence some more but I have to go vote again.

Hollywood Wags said...

Great post, I've been saying this for years that this guy is a ponderous, fucking ponderous jackass and got ripped for it...

Fuck that twaddling douche, if he ever came near an NFL sideline, he'd urinate all over his slacks, slacks, not jeans, cuz he's better than you.

Ben said...

Decent post. But you can't dance with champ, you have to knock him down! Whatever the fuck that means.

Koos said...

but, ben... if the champ brings you, you gotta' dance with him (what brought you).

Gah! Hate!

{ k }

Run Up The Score! said...

// Gregg Easterbrook & Michael Musto = Separated at Birth? //

Oh, God. I hate Michael Musto so much, and it's solely because of his appearances on Olbermann's MSNBC show. It's like Musto gets paid by the awkwardly timed, unfunny, forced joke. I imagine he's a rich man.

As for Easterbrook, he needs to learn there's a difference between "high brow, yet informative" and "snotty, yet pointless".

Bish said...

Holy crap Drew that was farking awesome, great job as always.

Someone needs to create an automated TMQ Create-A-Column thingy, like the one for Simmons we saw a few months ago.

Mr. Data, make it so!

grungedave said...

What the? No mention of Ernest Wilford - the favorite player of Spenser and TMQ himself - who drops nearly as many passes as the Player Who Shall Not be Named????

the Football Gods are not amused!

Mike said...

wow, that was one of the funniest things i've eve read. nice work.

aaron said...

Everyone has at least one thing they are good at doing, if you dig far enough you will find it. TMQ, for all his wordiness, is good at pointing out the ongoing stupidity and timidity of NFL coaches. For which I am grateful, as a lifelong Steelers fan who has had to put up with Bill Cowher-coached teams and the bonehead decisions that all-too-frequently ensue.

Chamomiles Davis said...

BDD,

I know you can't see me standing up and applauding right now, but I am.

~CW~ said...

Eh, it's a good mockery, but TMQ has a lot of great stuff you can't pick up the in the box scores that people sans Sunday Ticket would never be able to see. It's easy to pick and choose your way through every week, and relatively harmless overall unless you're really that threatened by the quantity he writes.

HadesGigas said...

Who is Gregg Easterbrook?

HadesGigas said...

Yeah, I added it to wiki. I'm smart as fuck!

anon said...

Stat of the Week No. 9: Hollywood is run by money-grubbing Jews.

PANGER said...

you are now officially my favorite blogger.

big.aaron said...

First time I have read this site. Now there wil be a first through 25th a day that I read this site. Fucking brilliant.

Unsilent Majority said...

come on anon. that's at least the state of the decade.

Claude Balls said...

Bravo. Like technoir, I have to go vote again.

JonHendry said...

Truly, Easterbrook is to sports what Max Boot is to warfare: each looks like the last person who should engage in such activities.

Signal to Noise said...

*applause*

The problem is that Easterbrook is ten times worse on non-NFL subjects. I can't believe both Slate (meaning the Washington Post) and The New Republic pay him to write about science when he has absolutely no academic background in it.

Also, although Jersey/A and Jersey/B are catchy replacements, calling the Titans the "Flaming Thumbtacks" and the various "inoffensive" replacements for Skins were stretching.

GTF said...

YEAAAA. And thus you have been added to my "Favorites". Your excited, I know.

SMD said...

do you just hate people who have achieved a certain level of success because they are intelligent and creative while you waste away as an amateur blogger? Easterbrook is one of the few creative writers in the sports world--your motivation for mocking him in this way can only be explained by jealousy.

DCThrowback said...

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Clearly you're read your fair share of his columns - and I guess after 5 years, it gets slightly trite to hear from about the mincy-fraidy cat punts. I think it's a great send up, complete with requisite snark - kudos to you. That being said, getting the kind of vitriol from the commenters on this site is a little over the top. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Jackin'4Beats said...

smd = Gregg Easterbrook in disguise.

smd must stand for simple morose douchebagg. Nice job. Now go away and never come back.

Gene said...

I stopped reading TMQ this year because Easterbrook...turned into a know-nothing prig. And because there were about 208 bloggers providing more interesting NFL coverage. Without the pathetic covering up for Bush.

Captain Caveman said...

do you just hate people who have achieved a certain level of success because they are intelligent and creative while you waste away as an amateur blogger?

HEY! I'm a PROFESSIONAL blogger. Genuflect.

Oh, and we hate everyone, so fuck off.

madden maestros said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
madden maestros said...

Not gonna lie. I like the column TMQ writes. However this post is grand, I found numerous work colleagues looking at me as though I was one of those gits with headphones on an aeroplane when you don't have ones yourself. You know, the c**t who sits next to you and laughs like a hyeana on crack. This is what reading this post was like, funny as you like!!!

TW Andrews said...

I love TMQ, but this was fucking hilarious.

OGravy said...

That's Mineral Water Bowl Champion Pittsburg State of Kansas to you buddy boy.

anon said...

> smd: "do you just hate people who have achieved a certain level of success because they are intelligent and creative while you waste away as an amateur blogger? Easterbrook is one of the few creative writers in the sports world--your motivation for mocking him in this way can only be explained by jealousy."

> Jackin'4Beats: "smd = Gregg Easterbrook in disguise."

The "s" is for "sprezzatura."

David said...

I'm a fan of Easterbrook, for the reasons other commenters have noted (different perspective on NFL, distinct style)... but he does repeat himself ad nauseum--that AutoText is probably half the column, with some specifics changed from week to week--and he richly deserves parody for his pretentiousness. This had me wiping away laugh tears. Great job!

Ken Houghton said...

What Everyone Else (except sprezzatura MD) Said, save to note that even GreggE knows that the NYT once got a score correct, about four years ago. (Before the "Jews make nasty movies, while we classy Catholics only do The Maiming of the Christ" comment.)