Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Debut Of The PKMT

How good is your gay-dar? Can you tell the difference between someone being friendly and being friendly? Believe it or not, it's much easier to pick it up with language than physical characteristics.

Take our guy Peter King, for example. He's been covering the shit out of the NFL for a long time, and of course he loves what he does for a living (unlike, say, anybody currently reading this at work). But sometimes the plaudits and punditry that he dispenses can border on, well, homo-erotic.

Is it just me? Am I the only one getting creeped out by the PK man-love? Can we get some impartial, unbiased point of view to sift through the possibly gay debris, if only to see if I just might be freakishly paranoid? Or even (Noooooooo!) homophobic?

Can we do that? Why, yes we can.

Without further ado, I present the Peter King Manlove Translator.

This Week: Cowboys QB Tony Romo

from Week 7: "I love this game. Just love it. And there's a good chance I'll look foolish for writing what I think could happen here. But I see the Giants' front seven attacking and puncturing the Dallas pocket in the first half, chasing down Drew Bledsoe."

Uh, okay. Let's continue.

"I see Tony Romo coming in during the second half -- much to the chagrin of Joe Theismann, who immediately pronounces it a horrible mistake for Bill Parcells to ever think of benching Bledsoe for some kid who has never thrown in a game that counts since playing at Eastern Illinois -- and rallying the troops to victory. A star [will be] born."

Hmm. Not picking up anything yet.

Week 9: "It's Romo time. Bill, you did the right thing."

Eureka! Now we're rolling.

Week 10: "Peyton Manning's first trip to Texas Stadium. I trust the combo platter of Tony Romo's uber-confidence and the double hammer of Julius Jones and Marion Barber III.".

Week 11: Troy Aikman, looking down on this game for FOX, thinks to himself midway through the four quarter, I can't believe I'm considering this in Tony Romo's sixth NFL game. But the kid actually might be as good as I was."

"I am positive that at some point in the second half, former Dallas offensive coordinator Sean Payton will look at Tony Romo and say to a trusted aide: "I taught this kid too well."

Week 14: "Tony Romo recovers from his first bad game since sixth grade to throw for a couple of touchdowns. "Hey," he wonders after the game, "does Jessica Simpson get NFL Network? Think she saw me tonight?"

Special Thanks: Peter Schrager,

Addendum: PK's classic Rex Grossman quip (courtesy of Sports Bloggers Live/Jamie Mottram)


Clint said...


I can honestly say that Peter King is a baked bean toothed, fat fuck. He is the grand dragon of Starbucks drinkers judging by those chompers.

Thanks for the laughter!

highonLowe said...

wow clit, that was ruthless

Draft Dodgers said...

Is it wrong that I feel a certain affinity towards MMP over his performance? He's my Romo!

dusty said...

Hey, I think I ranted this week on my blog about King and his writeup about the Mora bullshit which was really a non fucking issue for anyone with an ounce of grey matter in their fact I think I told him to suck his own dick..but I could be wrong.

whitefolks said...

It is distinctly possible that those who read this post will themselves become a bit gayer.

It is undeniably likely that PK asked for two things on his wish list:

1. A Romo blumpkin.
2. Waterproof laptop.

*No word on whom would be giving/receiving said blumpkin.

The Pirate Sloth said...

hahahahaha ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


hahahahaha ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

twoeightnine said...

You guys are fucking slackers. No mention of what happened 2 years ago today? Or are you just too big for that now?

Unsilent Majority said...

i'll never be able to swallow a swan again without thinking about oral sex. thanks a lot for ruining that.

bates said...

I'm with twoeightnine. Can we please relive the joy? Just for a couple days? It is the holiday season, after all.

PS, on a related note: do you think PK still reads this? If I don't get anything else for Christmas, I'd be happy with the knowledge that Peter "I Look Like One Of My Own Crimes-Against-Humanity Bowel Movements" King has perused this page.

Signal to Noise said...

I don't think I'm disturbed so much by PK's homoerotic tendencies as I am by the image of Aikman and Joe Buck doing some pole smoking.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Peter King douche-baggery alert!

In his current weekend pickoff on he states that Eli manning and Jason Campbell have a combined record of 12-16. Oh really? Manning is 7-7 and Campbell is 2-3. This fat fucker either a) is too stupid to take into account that is was Brunnell who ran the Skins' season into the ground or 2) is, for wahtever reason, taking a fact-warping pot shot at Campbell and the Redskins.

Either way....DICK! (go ahead give Romo a rusty trombone you donkey-raping shiteater.

WastingCompanyTime6 said...

here is a good game. Check out this gasbag's weekend pick off

take a drink everytime he mentions

1) one of the shows he appears on
2) a reference to either calling or just getting off the phone with an NFL player, coach, or exec.

what a dick

DBO said...

Does Tony Romo come in Fathead?