Friday, January 19, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - New Orleans Saints


It's playoff time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the conference championship teams. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Saints:

"Doesn't Joe Horn look like he does cocaine? I know he doesn't, but he's got that Daryl Strawberry/Otis Day sheen to him... The best way to defend Reggie Bush is to let him dance in front of you for a minute or two and then kick him in the nuts... I know Deuce McAllister is a great runner, a great leader, and one of the few athletes who is a true community leader, but when he lent me his iPod one time, there was nothing on it but Savage Garden songs. As far as I'm concerned, that cancels out all the good stuff... You know why Marques Colston went so late in the draft? Queerer than a Victorian novel...

"Scott Fujita puts me in the mood for TexMex... Willie Whitehead sounds like the name of a Clearasil mascot... Hollis Thomas is only effective when he's taken a liter of elephant pituitary gland fluid up the ass... I pretty sure Rob Pettiti's last name is meant to be ironic... You know who's a great kisser? Mike Karney... Drew Brees is outstanding, but they better make sure he stays healthy or else... JAMIE MARTIN?! Good fucking God. If you're the Bears, what you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of Brees' leg right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again... When you play Monopoly with Mark Simoneau, he won't let you put $500 in Free Parking. So. Fucking. Weak...

"Josh Bullocks better never go to England... Sean Payton looks like Jason Perry of the obscure British rock band A... I just took a monster shit... If I hear Chris Berman make that Honeymooners reference when John Carney makes a field goal one more fucking time, I will find a way to destroy the fucking world... I lent Devery Henderson $20 a year ago, and now whenever I bring it up, he gets all defensive about it. What a fucking asshole...

Oh, and I think the Saints will win by 10."

Now THAT is some good analysis. Suck it, Steve Young.

UPDATE: I just realized I was supposed to do the Bears scouting report, not the Saints, which Punter already covered earlier in the week. Shit. Eh, you people have got plenty of Sex Cannon jokes already. Just replace the Saint names here with Bear names. It really makes no difference.

15 comments:

Rusty said...

Putting money in Free Parking is weaksauce. It makes the game more about luck than about shrewd real estate maneuvering.

Unsilent Majority said...

$500 in free parking is a must. But that's just the way they teach you at Hebrew School.

grungedave said...

forget obscure Brit rock bands... Sean Payton looks like future-self of Frankie Muniz.

peter king crowned my ass said...

+ 500, Rusty

Captain Jackass said...

Good job on writing about the 'aints twice dipshit ...

highonLowe said...

at least you didn't compare Reggie Bush to the Diet Pepsi machine

HofC said...

So what type of fart does New Orleans smell like now?

Too soon?

Unsilent Majority said...

gumbo probably

Chamomiles Davis said...

Stupid sexy Flanders.

mathesond said...

I never knew Larry King was an NFL scout

isaac838383 said...

Broadway Joe had his hamstring snapped in a WATER SPORTS accident.

He still played.

Couldn't run, but as he put it, "I'm just a quaterback."

Puff on that Vick.

KS said...

+100 for referencing Otis Day.

scarletmidnite said...

Double coverage of the Saints and none of the Bears? I feel shafted. Or kinda like I'm watching ESPN.

Clove said...

A Caddyshack 2 reference? I don't know what's worse, you making a reference to Caddyshack 2, or me knowing you made the reference. Ugh, I"m going to think of Jackie Mason naked to get the thought of Caddyshack 2 out of my head.

Big Daddy Drew said...

That's a Caddyshack I reference, numbnuts.