Tuesday, January 16, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake: Indianapolis Colts

Every day this week KSK will take a closer look at each of the NFL's Final Four. Today's top secret scouting report is submitted by a former pro and television analyst who agreed to speak with complete candor in exchange for anonymity.

Today: the Indianapolis Colts.




I dell do I doan lie da Cose chan do bin agin da Paydreeit. Baidin Madding duddin ab da big gabe expedien do come oud on dop in dif baddle ub hebbywaist. No, heed got dee expedien, bud he ahwaid fine way do lude big game wed it count, espeddally again Bill Belldachix an due Paydreeod.

Doo stebbidy Coats need dow fine ron dee-fen. Dee-fen da keedo win shamships, an doe Coats nah hab do dee-fen do win do Doopa Bow. Buddiff Paydon Manning toe big padded an make dum big pwayed, day cud bee dow dooby dooby run run, dooby dooby dow dooby do run run...

Wud wud I dayin'? Oh deah, do Coal dee-fen da lab due week id not Coe deepends prum reglah seedin, an I tink -- no, I node -- shabba lamma ding dong bip bop scooby da Paydreeod wid Tob Brady gon' come bow don dop in dis baddle ub hebbywaist contendruhs.

Indee, I be strade wid you: yo dee-fen could'n sdop me ip you plade twelb men on da bield all drying due guard me, da gradest tide end ebber due play fooball. Da pact dat you made id dis far id a desdesdesdesdament due da distance dat da Rabens hab fallen dint I retied ad da gradest tide end dat ebber libbed.

***clears throat***

Furthermore, is it just because I'm black that I can't tell the difference between Boomer Esiason and Phil Simms? Those pasty blond fucks look exactly the same to me.

27 comments:

CSG said...

Someone got it right with the comment towards the end of the clip: "You're out of your mind"

Crapass said...

Coach Orgeron? Is that you?

Shoopmonster said...

I'm sorry, I don't speak black.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

that would have been more fitting yesterday -- with it being MLK Day and all...

peter king crowned my ass said...

Scooby-Dooby Dooooooo!

Mike said...

That was some funny shit. This is priceless: Wud wud I dayin'? Oh deah, do Coal dee-fen da lab due week id not Coe deepends prum reglah seedin, an I tink -- no, I node -- shabba lamma ding dong bip bop scooby da Paydreeod wid Tob Brady gon' come bow don dop in dis baddle ub hebbywaist contendruhs.

peter king crowned my ass said...

+1, Mr. Crapass.

Unsilent Majority said...

suel forrester?

doug_plank said...

Heyba, heyba Fabba Albert

Big Daddy Drew said...

Wa da ta.

Chamomiles Davis said...

My favorite part was when he started channeling Louis Armstrong somewhere near the end of the third paragraph.

Also, a brilliant cover-your-ass move at the end, sir. That should hopefully deflect the NAACP from hounding you day and night.

Pity Da Fool said...

I tried SO HARD to translate that. And I have come to the conclusion that yes, it was in fact gibberish.

Good show by you, sir.

Clint said...

He is either the master of fucking ebonics, or needs some lesson in them. I agree, shannon sounds like he's got a mouthfull of fucking marbles at all times.

anon said...

Oy.

This does little to disconfirm my fear that I'm a horrible racist for hating Shannon Sharpe.

Someone please tell me it's obee-kaybee.

Clint said...

"I'm sorry, I don't speak black".

Unsilent Majority said...

It's not funny because he's black, it's funny because he doesn't know how to speak.

Ruthless Gravity said...

All I was able to make out from that was Barbaro isn't a fan of the Colts.

anon said...

Also... Phil and Boomer are actually pretty easy to tell apart: Simms is a bottom.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Yeah, this has nothing to do with race. The guy simply can't speak right.

I find that deep Southerners and Steve Spurrier are the same, but kind of different.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Un. Tice. Fee tines a mady...

Beantown said...

Classic! Does anybody else have the NFL ticket and when watching a game on CBS find a Fox game that will go to halftime at the same time just so you don't have to watch CBS's halftime show? CBS what are you thinking, it's like you are not even trying? Sharpe makes you wish Deion would come back and that's scary.

4giantsfans said...

+10 BDD.

Let's see if we can get the Terry Bradshaw translator

Mike said...

What happens if Sharpe "announces" the pre-game Astroturf, Old Man Exhibition?

Azzoo see, Badshow flip da' bo' to Jimma, but he cayn git payz da da fenda . . .

BigRicks said...

Baxter, you know I don't speak Negroe.

swing4 said...

Mowwedge. Mowwedge ih whot bweengs uh togezah, todeh.

SMP said...

Jibba jabba jabba jibba jibbity jab. Jibba?

Otto Man said...

Shannon Sharpe and NASCAR driver Ward Burton should team up and do play-by-play commentary. Nothing but clicks and buzzes.