Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Colts or Pats? I Prefer the Lesser of Two Evils

The Pats and Colts, a story as old as Al Davis itself. It might be enough to keep your average NFL analyst engorged through March but it leaves most of us apathetic and a bit gassy.


Only two things can wake up Lil' Sean, sexually
harrassing cart-girls and Dreamboat vs. Fetus.

The only real debate heading into the AFC Championship is which team/quarterback/fanbase is more worthy of our derision. For me it's quite simple, I prefer the evil I know to the one I don't. After years of watching the Patriots have their way with the rest of the NFL I've grown numb. There's really nothing more they can do to hurt me any further, it's not like their fans can become bigger douchebags (unless Andrew Dice Clay Matsuzaka gives the Sox another title).

That's why this weekend I'll be rooting for the lovable likable tolerable less-loathsome Patriots. Think about it, the only reason any of us can stand the presence of Peyton Manning in the NFL is because we love to watch him fail, the more gruesome the better. The guy has made a career out of blowing big games, if he actually does win one of these things the league is going to be far less tolerable. The only thing that keeps me watching that clay-faced bitch is knowing that his career will ultimately make Dan Marino look like a born champion.
Did Peter King approve this cover? I think not.

Just think, if Peyton wins even a conference title the slurping sounds emanating from Bristol will be deafening. The only thing that keeps Salisbury, Jaworski, and the rest of those Disney cockgobblers from choking on Peyton's gooey discharge is the fact that he always manages to grab failure from the clutches of success.

So on Sunday when the time comes to go to the mattresses just think about how each outcome might impact your future as a bitter, libelous, vitriolic sports fan. If you still have any doubt just watch the quick youtube video below. I'm confident you'll make the right decision.

72 comments:

Mike said...

if Peyton wins even a conference title the slurping sounds coming emanating from Bristol will be deafening.

In-fuckin-deed. Tom Brady wins every game he plays whether he fumbles, throws INTs, or not. And the only slurping we get is from his model girlfriends and a bunch of fans from some useless, freezing backwater in Massachusetts. No harm there.

But if Peyton Womanning takes home the trophy next month, it'll be a bigger fellatathon than if scientists managed to combine John Elway, Tiger Woods, Cal Ripken & the ghost of Kurt Cobain into one super, sports/pop star. Sportswriters from the four corners of the earth will converge on Indianapolis & line up for the privilege of sucking Peyton dryer than a kicked keg.

I won't be able to handle it. Go Pats.

highonLowe said...

you know its a big story when it keeps 'em engorged through through March

highonLowe said...

you know its a big story when it keeps them engorged through through March

highonLowe said...

so big in fact that I must post it twice

Signal to Noise said...

Tom Brady and the various assembled Pats stand in the way of the NFL's various attempts to rig it for Archie's kid every year. For that alone, I salute Brady, and hope he enjoys fucking his latest VS model as much as he probably enjoyed screwing the Chargers on Sunday.

Although if said rumors are true, it ruins the fun we could imagine of Brady and the Sex Cannon tearing up all the gash in South Beach pre-Super Bowl.

Signal to Noise said...

Modification: well, except for last year, when the Steelers stood in Mongoloid #1's way.

MDG said...

Sexcannon + Dreamboat + VS models = Miami covered in throwgasims

Christmas Ape said...

There is no conceivable situation in which I can root for the Patriots. Tony Dungy deserves a title, no matter how you hate Peyton. The only palatble scenario would be for the Colts to win field goal-laden games the rest of the way, so that their defense can deflect a good share of the credit (it'll never get the full amount, no matter how deserving) away from Fetushead to Dungy.

Unsilent Majority said...

ape, if it comes down to a fg battle then we'll spend the next calendar year hearing about the greatness of Adam Viniaterri and how he makes all the difference in the world...I don't need that either.

Garthmeister J. said...

"time to go to the mattresses"? So Colts/Pats is now equivalent to a mob war?

FenwayFaithful78 said...

I think I saw someone who almost enjoyed himself at Muphy's. Did anyone harass you for your Steelers gear? No- they were too busy throwing back Sam Adams and trying to hump the two super tan chicks from RI. Patriot fans have priorities my friend.

You know you want to root for the Pats. It's un-American not to. If you don't root for the Pats you are letting the terrorists win.

Beantown said...

UM is totally right and I completely overlooked this side of the story. I let my ball-blinding hatred for everything Peyton and enjoyment of kicking his ass get in the way of the obvious. If Peyton wins a Super Bowl, Jaws and the rest of the media will be out of control, non-stop. You think you are tired of that old-ass hillybilly gunslinger Farve announcing his retirement every year! You will unlessly hear about how Peyton owns every record and now has a Super Bowl to make his entry to Canton confirmed - ohh god, it will be brutal. You will want to jab a sharp stick in your eye. You will wish for the days of just hearing how the Patriots are a no-name team with no stars.

HofC said...

Oh Please Lord Baby Jesus, don't let the Pats win another damned Super Bowl. I will have to move away from here....seriously, I will have to sell my house and get a new job in a new state rather than deal with these freaking Yankee...sorry I mean Pats fans. They are basically the same now.

Unsilent Majority said...

So Colts/Pats is now equivalent to a mob war?

uh...yeah

Christmas Ape said...

Yeah, Fenway, I was at Murphy's. Sure, people were giving me shit for wearing Steelers stuff, but then I was hoping for as much.

However, there was one guy who was pitching a fucking fit that I was even there rooting for another team. Now, when I say rooting, I don't mean yelling or talking shit about the Pats, but just clapping when the Chargers made a play. He was telling me I had to move away from him because I was disturbing him by not cheering for the Pats. I told him to fuck off but he kept at it for most of the game before he eventually moved.

Now, opposing fans come to the Steeler bar I frequent all the time. We talk shit to them, sure, but never get fucking pissy that someone would have the gall to show up with rival colors. It's part of the fun of football, for fuck sake.

Anyway, all I'm saying is your team is great but Pats fans are bitches.

highonLowe said...

now that you edited the post, my comment isn't funny anymore. Not that I didn't fuck it up anyway by posting it twice, but still.

Clint said...

Couldn't agree more unsilent, go Pats, and Go Brady

Becky said...

As with most important things in life, I make this decision with my knickers.

Go Pats.

Beantown said...

Hey, don't lump in all the Pats fans as complete dumbfucks. Let me break this down for you. I am a Sox/Pats fan because I grew up on the upper East Coast (NH) not Boston, I now reside in Tucson. Being ex-military I have met a lot of people from Boston and they are all cocky, obnoxious, goofy doucebags as you previously mentioned. Every single one I met without fail. Why they think they are better than everybody else is beyond me. But I do love the Pats and will support them til death.

We now continue with our regular scheduled programming!

Unsilent Majority said...

TUCSON? enjoy that. I sure miss Starr Pass.

Arthur said...

I can't wait till Peyton finally beats Brady on the big stage this Sunday. He can finally shut up morons like yourself who don't know a thing about football.

Of course if he chokes again, I'll go crawl back into my hole and curse the day he came to Indy.

Beantown said...

You know it UM, I'm just about to go out on the Patio in shorts and have a rum and coke. The only snow I want to see is going up nose during the super bowl!

Beantown said...

Arthur you are a typical Indy fan wearing a sundress. Come on grow a pair, talk shit and when you lose bring up obscure stats or the "tuck rule" and talk more shit.

Unsilent Majority said...

yes arthur, because here at ksk we're all about the serious football analysis.

why would you curse the day he came to indy, it's not like you guys have anything better going on in your lives.

Smello said...

Speaking of "tuck rule"... I am a Raiders fan who grew up in NH. I escaped with no particular hatred of the Pats or their fans. But now, really, every time they win a playoff game, it hurts me. And given the Raiders' impressive record this season, if the Pats win another Super Bowl, I won't be able to visit my parents for years. Go Colts!

Chris said...

I'd do the short one on the right.

Palm Dry Gum On said...

Fuck the Pats and their fans. Why are they always taking away success from my Colts?

It's not like Peyton has been screwing things up, right? He's not averaging 2.5 interceptions in the playoffs this year is he? He's not forcing passes and he appears to be on the same page with Marvin Harrisson.

Beantown said...

Smelly, I can only assume giving the last five years that you "hurt" like Tina Turner after she burnt the toast. How did you become a Raiders fan? I can see the Cowboys since they were shown every Sun. night after the Pats...

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Ape- that's too bad. My apologies on behalf of Patriot Nation. Now if you were wearing Yanks gear you're on your own buddy.

This Pats fan doesn't think we are better than EVERYBODY else. Hell- that was a rough game Sunday. We didn't win that game- the Chargers lost it. I'll be the first to admit it.

Just like next week when Miss Peyton shits the bed in post season Colts fashion. I'm positively giddy with anticipation!

Beantown said...

Rosie Palm, what post-season are you watching? Harrison/Wayne have a total of 16 catches for 180yds and 1 td. The Pats who picked up Gaffney while on break at Home Depot and a bug-eyed Caldwell have 30 catches for 337yds and 3 tds. And are you really going to debate post-season success between Peyton and Brady, that just makes you look silly and you lose all credibility.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Used to be when Peyton crapped the bed in the playoffs the Colts would lose. But he's turned in two shit games in a row ... and the Colts won both. Dammit, the Colts might win the SB in spite of Peyton.

And I also hate Tom Brady with the fury of a thousand suns, so add that in too.

Palm Dry Gum On said...

The name is Palm Dry Gum On.

Beantown, sorry to disappoint you. I was joking about the Harrison/Peyton connection.

Were you really taking me seriously? Do you know about this thing called sarcasm? You might want to flip down that collar on your shirt - it seems to be cutting off all the oxygen to your head. And really, are all the penny pushers up in Boston as tight assed as you are?

And I don't think I was debating the post season success of Brady/Peyton, but then again I'm just some hick Hoosier. Thanks for the stats. It's so hard to find all this information on the Ebays, you sir are a true gentleman.

Oh, and thanks for being from Boston/Pats fan - it makes my life so much easier.

Larry Bird Flu said...

The one thing that's already killing me, and that makes no sense whatsoever, is all the reporter douchebags who are making this out to be Peyton vs. Brady.

THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER!!! NEITHER CAN DEFENSE THE OTHER ONE!!!

That fucking kills me. Like Brady gives a shit about how Manning plays or vice versa.

Dickens Cider said...

I have no real qualms with the Patriots or their fans in particular, but their city did spawn the two douchebag twins known as Ben Afleck and Matt Damon. So eat me Boston...go Colts.

The Last Unitard said...

I've got to go with the Colts. The exquisite suffering of jerk-ass new england sports fans tastes much sweeter than the bland and mild discontent of the midwest.

Clint said...

Things to do in Indy:
1) racing shit
2) jack off
3) root for Peyton and the Colts
4) RCA Dome Day
5) Racing shit
6) jerking off
7) criticsize Peyton

MDG said...

I hate being lumped in with all other Pats and Sox fans. I have no hatred of the Colts. I respect Yankees fans but would never marry one. I have no problem with people being passionate about their teams cause I am with mine.

Beantown said...

Rosie Palm - I'm not from Boston if you would have read about 8 posts up, but that's right you are a backwards, no teeth having, hick that can't read. So pull that maize cob out of your ass and go back outside with your farmer's tan and bale some of that hay you people seem so fond of. Ohh, and say "hi" to Larry Bird for me.

cecil_espy said...

Am I the only optimist here? One of these douche teams loses this week, then the winner goes to on to lose the underdog NFC champion.

Nothing wrong with an offseason of Rex Grossman slurping, right? Drew wrote the book on that.

Beantown said...

CCEB - now that's funny.

Unsilent Majority said...

mdg, fair enough

MDG said...

Thanks UM. If I was one of those lumped in massholes I wouldn't be so fair in my DC Sports Bog polls. I'd be killing UVA more since I went to JMU.

Palm Dry Gum On said...

Beantown, do we hug now or do you just want to wait until after the game?

Beantown said...

PDGO - it's all good brother.

Smello said...

Beantown - why I'm a Raiders fan - I like badasses & that's what they were in the 80s. I needed to have a reason to argue with a friend who was a Skins fan & the two teams were meeting in the Super Bowl the year I started paying attention to football. Finally, I was a 13 year old girl who liked the black & silver. I actively dislike bandwagon jumpers so once I picked the team, I stuck with them - even if, as you say, they are the Ike to my Tina.

Dickens Cider said...

Ah yes...JMU...had a lot of goodtimes over there.

Crapass said...

The only forseeable solution I can find is that the Patriots' plane crashes somewhere over central Ohio and Peyton Manning goes all Montae Reagor on that ass and gets in a car accident on the way to the stadium.

Maybe then the incessant bickering between Colts fans who just got done feeding the pigs and holier-than-thou Patriot fans might actually stop.

Son of Brock Landers said...

I now live in Mass as a non-Pats fan, Pats fans take the fun out of cheering on the Pats vs. Captain Inbred. Go Colts. Down with Sully, Murph and Sean.

i kind of like how indy and new england get fired up over a rivalry in a sport that matters less than their primary concerns; Indy with basketball and NE with baseball.

Bill Simm- I mean beantown, awesome tina turner reference. Right on.

Chemo said...

Wait, Bristol is going to drool over MANNING? All we ever hear is that he chokes in the playoffs, can't win the big game, puts up meaningless regular-season numbers, etc. etc. He gets some drool, sure, but he's also damn good. There have been few players so worthy of drool that have gotten shat on by the media so much (other than for problems off the field, like Barry Bonds).

Brady, on the other hand, is considered a god no matter what. He totally sucked in that Charger game, but nobody's calling him on it--everybody's just talking about the lousy game Manning put up. Brady's got a great defense and fantastic special teams; do you really think Manning wouldn't have won four or five Super Bowls with the Patriots? And yet Brady has gotten slurped by the media for about five years now, and I'm so sick of it. It's not just him, either; Belicheck gets these gobs of praise, and even their fucking kicker was declared a steely playoff hero with icewater veins.

Good God, I'm sick of the Patriots.

Ross said...

Amen Chemo, amen

Beantown said...

Chemo - be ready to jerk me off like an epiletic fucking mental patient. Come on, you are going to give Brady shit going against a defense that was crazy at home and the number one team with 9 pro bowlers. Brady is 12-1 in the post-season, he doesn't get a mulligan for one game? Yeah, he sucked until the last drive before the half and then at the end of the game - where champions are born and bled out (see your Manning). I am a Pats fan but come on! Brady would have to fuck himself for like four post-seasons while Manning better win three Super Bowls before I even consider them in the same breath.

But - you are right on one thing, if Manning wins the SB Bristol is going to be licking his nuts like honey is drippjng off of them. And don't say Brady is the same way because it took a lot of wins before they would even say the Pats and his name. I have never seen a guy win nothing like Manning get his balls rubbed more....like Eric Allen and Jaws say, it's about winning championships not stats.

Sandman said...

I'm afraid if I'm pointing out the obvious here, but who said you had to watch and listen to the WWL. I stopped a little over a year ago and my life has never been better. Let them slurp whoever they damn well please that is what they get paid to do. I think what pisses most people off as well as me is that the except for a small minorty (us) everyone else eats that shit up like its frosted flakes with extra frosting.

With that said. . .
Arthur seriously, bring some heat.
Bob Sanders is going to baptize Cory Dillion and then eat Marony's Golden Gopher soul. . .discuss

JMW said...

I think the Saints take whoever wins this one, but I'll choose Brady's smugness and Belichick's Obi-Wan Kenobi wardrobe over a Manning. Granted, I'm a lifelong Yankees fan, so I might be sympathetic to teams that lots of people hate. Go Pats.

dangovich said...

Earlier this year, I attended the Pats-Packers game at Lambeau. I was wearing my Patriots cap that day, so I was more than a little surprised when a Packers fan put his jacket over a puddle of beer so I wouldn't have to step over it on my way to the refreshment stand.

A few weeks later, in Miami, I was taken aback when a Dolphins fan bought me a beer and offered words of consolation after the Fins shut out the Pats.

Leaving the stadium that day, my eyes welled up as I thought, "Why? Why can't we Patriots fan be more like the thoughtful, compassionate fans that populate the rest of the country?"

chitownneko said...

i agree with chemo and sandman, enough of the patriots.

Jack Fu said...

"Tom Brady wins every game he plays whether he fumbles, throws INTs, or not. And the only slurping we get is from his model girlfriends and a bunch of fans from some useless, freezing backwater in Massachusetts. No harm there."

Is this a fucking joke? I can't turn on ESPN without someone comparing Tom Brady to Joe Fucking Montana...

Mike said...

comparing Tom Brady to Joe Fucking Montana

Yeah, you're right. If not for that pesky 3 Super Bowls in 4 years thing, he'd never get any respect. When Brady wins 5, like Peyton has, then I'll agree he deserves the Montana comparisons.

Good catch, Mr. Buckeye.

Unsilent Majority said...

...that's a buckeye

Jackin'4Beats said...

Palm Dry Gum On: This beantown guy reminds me of an uptight, collar-up wearing Eagles/PSU fan that neither went to PSU, nor lives in Philly. He went to Randolph Macon and is a DIE HARD PSU fan. He lives in South Riding, VA and is an INSANE Eagles fan who loves to say dumb sh*t like In Andy we Trust and McMoney #5 is the best QB in the world, that's why we're going all the way.

Beantown, it doesn't matter that you live in Tucson or you are former military. You're team is a bunch of assclowns that once again got lucky enough to face fetus head and the donkeys in the playoffs again. Maybe the Pats win, and maybe they don't, but people like you are the reason everyone outside of New England hates your sports teams.

I started reading this site to read great posts and to joke about teams, especially our strugggggling teams, so go find Tom Brady so he can shoot some of his man-lotion in your hair (Source: Big Daddy Drew, January 8, 2007). Better yet, go be a pain in the ass on a Patriots blog.

Sorry about that fellas, I couldn't hold back an longer.

Let's go Cumslinger!!!!

Beantown said...

Hey jack off or is it jackin' off to the beats, whatever - everybody hates the team that is winning, so I can understand your hatred towards the Pats. But I can also remember when they sucked ass like the Cardinals, so if you don't think I'm enjoying this while I can, well, you can go fuck yourself which you probably just got done doing...

bleedjetgreen said...

Seriously, beantown, we get it. Your team is awesome, Brady rocks, blah, blah, blah... At this point, the Pats are the favorites to win the whole ball of wax.

Couldn't you just enjoy it quietly? Act like you been there before (or some shit to that effect).

The Polish Prognosticator said...

I am sick and damned tired of hearing and reading the "Manning can't win the big one" nonsense It's tired, un-original, and just plain wrong.

Football is a team sport and thanks to damn Bill Polian we have the smallest defense in the league.

I truly don't understand how people outside of Boston could root for anyone other than the Colts and Peyton Manning.

When it comes right down to it you should all be very thankful to have been alive when the greatest quarterback of all time was playing the game.

There I said it.

Jack Fu said...

Hey "Mike" and "Unsilent Majority": I was simply pointing out that Tom Brady gets "slurped" all the time, contrary to what the poster I was quoting in my comment theorized. I didn't say one thing about Brady being undeserving of the attention he gets; I merely pointed out that he DOES get incredibly fawning attention, so dipshits who talk about him "not getting love" or "not getting 'slurped'" are, quite simply, incredibly full of shit.

The Polish Prognosticator said...

My god. You people from Boston are living in fantasy land. All this blathering on about Bristol felating Manning is ridiculous.

When was the last time Peyton was featured on Access Hollywood?

Pretty Boy Brady is gonna get his skull crushed by Freeney Sunday.

There I said it.

The Polish Prognosticator said...

http://www.rockmount.com/images/GQ%209-05%20Tom%20Brady%20in%20Rockmount%20693-Brown.JPG

This photo alon is reason enough to root against the pats.

Find me one photo of Manning doing anything similar. I dare you!!

Unsilent Majority said...

If we wrote off every athlete who's been in GQ sports wouldn't be a lot of fun.

geekchik said...

Good God, was that from Brokeback Mountain?

bleedjetgreen said...

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

First, I have Beantown all brokeback for his team (as he should be... all I ask is that you jerk off to your Brady GQ pics and leave us alone already). If that wasn't enough, now we have Colts fans saying Manning is the greatest QB ever?!?! Don't you have to win ONE big game to claim such a thing? Did you see him in that Steelers game last year? Can you say choke city? Did you see him the last two weeks? The Colts won in spite of him!

I'll be rooting for the Colts and Peyton this weekend, but Peyton needs to win this week ... or else. And I don't think he's got the cohones to pull it off. He's becoming football's answer to A-Rod...

Wait a minute, why am I arguing with a Pollock anyway?

There, I said it.

BosoxBob said...

What some of you need to understand is that a lot of the jackass behavior you're seeing from Pats "fans" is coming from those Johnny-come-lately folks who jumped on the Patriots bandwagon after they started winning Super Bowls. You know the type - they're the same ones that were suddenly Sox fans in 2004 (but were Yankee fans in the 90s). Most of them probably didn't care about the Pats until Bill Parcels showed up. But those of us who lived through many years of rooting for the "Patsies" know that we are fortunate to be experiencing their recent success. As a New Englander living in San Diego, I had every opportunity to give crap to my Charger-fan coworkers on Monday, but chose not to since I know enough to "act like you've been there".

Oh, and to smello (the Raiders fan from NH), do you remember (or at least know about) the Raiders-Patriots playoff game from 1976? Payback's a bitch.

Jebbus said...

I'd like to thank Beantown and the tens of thousands of others of his ilk who make it so that everyone else rooting for the Pats has to do two things before discussing them:
A. Apologize to everybody.
B. Prove beyond a reasonable doubt that we are not, in fact, gaping assholes.
I thank my lucky stars every day that now half my sports related posts on the internet consist of long prologues of self-justification that are just about 100 words shy of Alan Dershowitz's opening defense of Claus von Bulow. It's an honor and a goddamn privilege.

mind... said...

great post, just freakin awesome. Go Patriots!

SVC Alumnus Blogger said...

As much as I like to see my beloved Seahawks enforce a portable "No Manning Zone" - I wish the Colts well. Makes 'em more invincible... until the Seahawks show up.