Thursday, June 21, 2007

Ben Roethlisberger Plowed Through Sororities; Kyle Orton Is a Jerk; Jeff Wimer Was Sexually Molested as a Child?

As the search for the 14th member of the KSK fantasy league continues, I'd like to take a moment to post some excellent submissions from readers. They're short, NFL-related, not a link to a blog post, and make no mention of the applicant's fantasy league playoff history.

First off, this fun story about Ben Roethlisberger from our new friend Ken Dynamo (edited slightly for spelling and clarity, because most of our readers are only semi-literate, which is totally fine with us).

Big Ben at the Grammys in 2006. Overdressed as usual.
My friend is in Vegas by the craps table when he runs into Ben Roethlisberger, a few other Steelers, and their entourage. (This is after Roethlisberger's rookie year before the motorcycle accident, so he's still being treated like the man.) My friend is completely shitfaced and stays to watch Roesthlisberger throw dice. Everybody is cheering Ben on like it's the Super Bowl until he craps out, at which point the table goes silent. My drunk friend then interjects "Roethlisberger? More like... CRAPSlisberger!"

The silence continues until Roethlisberger finally says, "You know what man, people have been kissing my ass all night, and I did crap out. Let's get a drink." So my friend stays and raps with Roethlisberger for a few drinks, and the conversation turns to, as you would assume, stuffing sorority chicks at Miami, Ohio. Roethlisberger claimed that he would pick a sorority and then try to plow every single member. My friend then asked, "Even the fat ones?" To which Roethlisberger replied, "Well, that's part of the challenge." "It's a matter of principle."

I can't attest to the veracity of the story, but I want it to be true, which is good enough for me.

Next up, a Kyle Orton Story that DOESN'T have drunk photos to go with it, courtesy of Chicagoland reader Mike:

Back in 2005, I happened to stop at a Dick's Sporting Goods when Kyle Fucking Orton was doing an autograph signing. I actually waited in line for over an hour to get his autograph because my dad is his #1 fan and I am mildly retarded. When I was up, I had no idea if I was supposed to say thanks or whatever, so I told him he had an awesome neck beard (he does). To this he replied "blow me shithead" and I was escorted out of the store. Three days later, he got his ass handed to him by the Steelers and began his downward spiral into obscurity. All me.
Guy in the Middle: "Blow me, shithead."

Excellent work, Mike. But c'mon -- give Jack Daniel's a little bit of credit.

Finally, we got this email from a reader I'll only call "Jeff W." No, that's too obvious -- make it "J. Wimer".

go fuck yourselves, that's my application. and btw, not one of you idiots could get laid in a womens prison with a fist full of pardons, no wonder you post drag queen pics.

Thanks for your input, Jeff! Of course we wouldn't get laid in a women's prison -- we're the Gay Mafia. Anyway, that's not quite what we're looking for, but we wish you well in your own fantasy league, where we're sure you're very well-liked.

Oh, and one final note on the juicy NFL player stories: people, we shouldn't have to hold an idiotic contest to get these kinds of tips. We ALWAYS want to hear about your experiences with NFL players. Especially if it's gay sex!

31 comments:

Murderface said...

Banging the fat sorority girls is the easy part of the challenge, I thought...

becky said...

not if you forget your harpoon

Weed Against Speed said...

You also need to bring a bag of flour so you can roll them in it and find the wet spot.

Ken Dynamo said...

just re-checked the story with my friend. the actual quote was "it was a matter of principle."

Ken Dynamo said...

but either way the point is roethlisberger is not a quitter.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

As long as he's nailing fatties 3 at a time, I'm alright with it.

Raskolnikov said...

Funny, I was just talking with asphalt about how it likes to plow football players yearly.

Murderface said...

Yeah, there just ain't no quit to "Scooter" Roethlisberger!

He's Da Big Dawg, and Da Big Dawg don't ne'er leave no scraps.

Otto Man said...

With all that plowing going on, I'm starting to wonder what Big Ben really means when he talks about his "fat head."

BeaverFever said...

fat girls need love to.

Vanilla said...

+1 Raskokolnikov

The Kid said...

id rather choose one sorority and punch each one of them in their stupid, cocaine covered noses.

Redhead said...

It was training! Roethlisberger had learn how to take a lot of weight laying on him before going pro.

wrecking_ball said...

Plow like a champion today?

Black n Gold said...

id rather choose one sorority and punch each one of them in their stupid, cocaine covered noses

That's just what the guys who don't get any say.

Me and some friends of mine used to do a different kind of "Sorority Challenge." We'd try to bag at least 1 from each sorority as opposed to all from one sorority. A couple of us were successful.

Black n Gold said...

Well said, wrecking_ball.

Being from Pittsburgh, I hate Ohio, but Miami has a great Greek system, and Ohio girls are freaks so I bet Ben got him some good ass.

ColeTrain said...

Big Ben's story made me sigh. I really didn't take full advantage of the college experience. I just studied and got blowjobs from townie girls.

BeaverFever said...

banging soroity sluts, good times ( as "glory days" by bruce springsteen quietly plays in my head.)

The Kid said...

@Black n Gold
It is probably just my school since i go to school in the mountains, but every sorority girl looks like goddamn sasquatch, so we find our talent elsewhere.

Also, i wonder what kind of a dent the sex cannon put in the whole greek system down there in Gainesville

save the steagles said...

During my time at Miami I've seen like three fat chicks and I'm pretty sure our sororities don't let their kind in.

Sam said...

Alright, alright, I almost got Ape fired with my amateur porn pics. Sorry. How was I to know he worked for a bunch of uptight prudes. Would a naked picture of OJ Simpson get me any closer to forgiveness and winning the contest?

-Chief Wahoo

Black n Gold said...

@the kid

Gainesville is decent for sorostitute talent, but the best "talent" school in FL is the arguably worst athletic school in FL. Its colors are my name. My favorite pro team and my college are both black and gold.

Go Knights. Go Steelers.

Christian said...

I wonder if Big Ben ever handed it Brady Quin's "girlfriend"??? There should have been one year of "overlaping" when Big B and the sexually frustrated quinn girl was there

save the steagles said...

Ben left after the first semester of the year before she got there, Christian. No chance for overlap, unless in addition to sororities he also dabbled in high school soccer teams.

mas.maiz said...

Yeah, I got to UCF, black 'n' gold is definitely right.

K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
K said...

Just about all the sororities at Arizona, or even just random groups of hot girls, had at least one fat/really ugly girl. Hand grenades we called these chicks, because groups of good looking girls would use them as a buffer when going out. Groups of guys with someone willing to jump on the hand grenade for the good of the platoon were usually golden.

TheNaturalMevs said...

During my time at Miami I've seen like three fat chicks and I'm pretty sure our sororities don't let their kind in.

So I take it you're unaffiliated?

larry burns said...

We ALWAYS want to hear about your experiences with NFL players. Especially if it's gay sex!

do you really want monday morning fantasy qb?

Laser Rocket Arm said...

I guess Ben was banging for Jesus as well. I'm also surprised he used the word "principle" correctly in a sentence.

fritter said...

That story actually makes me respect the hell out of Orton. He decides to bust out a "blow me, shithead" in the event that somebody might be insulting him, despite being in the middle of some sporting goods store at the mall that's probably full of little kids and nuns. And, come to think of it, to a guy that waited in line for an hour for his autograph. THAT is a man that doesn't fuck around.