Tuesday, June 26, 2007

KSK Guide To American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Germany!


Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: Germany.

Guten tag, herrs and hausfraus! If there is one nation on the European continent eager to embrace American football, it is you, fair Germans. With your love of sausage, your dormant-but-still-present hankering for fascism, and your unnecessarily intricate language, the NFL is custom-tailored to you, the German viewer! It’s why 135% of all NFL Europa teams play in the Fatherland.

I’ve been to Germany twice. Actually, that’s a lie. I’ve been to Bavaria twice. Bavarians, of course, consider themselves their own nation. It’s just like South Carolina, only it has a more successful history in ethnic cleansing. Touring Munich, I was wowed by its natural beauty and hideous population. There are so many dorks in your country, o Germans, I thought I had wandered into a Magic: The Gathering convention. Have none of you heard of contact lenses? I also visited a Munich cabaret. Americans might think a cabaret is the same as a strip club. It is not. You pay 10 euros to watch a semi-attractive German possible she-male dance around for 20 minutes before finally taking her top off, then scurrying off immediately thereafter. On the strokability scale, it ranks a solid negative 2! One of the dancers we saw there had nipples the size of saucers. Huzzah!

I also went to Dachau. Unfortunately, I went during lunch hour and had had no breakfast that morning. Ever try and eat a turkey sandwich and chips in the middle of a concentration camp? You will not have a more awkward ethical argument with yourself.

In my travels, and from watching “Top Secret!”, I learned many things about how to sell the NFL to you Deutsch folk. Read on, and you’ll discover why the NFL will make your schnitzengruben nice and firm.

What You’ll Think Is Gut About The NFL:
-Tom Coughlin
-Ugly Minnesota Vikings offense inspired by German architecture
-No Jews
-Philadelphia Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Johnson, who loves blitzes nearly as much as Rommel did
-Armchair quarterbacking perfect for Germans, who believe they do everything better then everyone else in the world
-Fat, loud asshole Chris Berman could pass self off as German
-Patriots coach Bill Belichick, like Ralph Fiennes in “Schindler’s List”, also enjoys standing on a tower and picking off women and children one by one
-“You Got Jack’d” segment mimics techniques of numerous Tom Twyker films
-League totally lacking in anything resembling humor
-Elaborate, overthought game plans inspired by German car engineers who can design a 600 hp BMW but can’t design a way to turn the LCD display off
-All coaches poorly dressed
-Frequent, attacking nature of game allows catharsis for the raving Imperialist lurking inside every German
-Cheerleaders made according to German purity laws
-Uniform pants not quite as much like lederhosen as NHL pants, but still darn close
-NFL team owner tradition of viewing games from box purposely echoes Hitler’s Olympic viewing technique
-Large number of black players perfect fit for the land of chocolate
-NFL Films head Steve Sabol is a second cousin of Leni Riefenstahl

What You’ll Think Is Scheisse About The NFL:
-Beer vendors unfamiliar with radler drink will refuse to pour Sprite into your beer. You homo
-Polka not played during halftime show
-Possible future NFL regular season game in Munich increases likelihood of obnoxious American tourist throwing up on your sister's durndel at the Hofbrauhaus
-No Hasselhoff
-Games played during crucial “coffee and cake” portion of day
-Players only come in helles or dunkels varieties
-Time-consuming nature of games robs Germans of favorite pastimes such as: laughing at own jokes, wearing colorful sweaters, and driving 150mph down a two-lane highway
-No sprockets. No dancing.

Tailgate Options:
I suggest an all-wurst tailgate for you, including bratwurst, weisswurst, cheddarwurst, wurstsalad, wurstsoda, wurstsauce, wurstdogs, and wurstcakes. Tailgate entertainment can be provided by Lily von Schtupp, the Teutonic Titwillow.

I hope you found this lesson both fun and utterly pedantic. Heil Germany and the NFL!

49 comments:

BeaverFever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John S. said...

my first j-o was to Lily von Schtupp

flubby said...

It's twue! It's twue!

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

+1 for a Top Secret reference.

BeaverFever said...

i'm pretyy sure there a few jewish guys in the nfl. i know about 1/3 of the teams are owned by jewish guys. that might piss a few germans off.

Otto Man said...

"Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm."

Peter McSheisty said...

I took three years of German in high school. I only know two phrases.

Ich habe eine dicki hahn.

Ich rauche dem dolja.

I have a fat cock.

I smoke the dolja.

Yeah, I was stoned all through high school.

Otto Man said...

i'm pretyy sure there a few jewish guys in the nfl.

"Do you have any light reading?"
"I've got this pamphlet -- 'Famous Jewish Sports Legends.'"

Burnsy said...

Maybe we can tell Jay Fiedler and Sage Roselfels to sit this game out.

BigRicks said...

I sat in my office, reading this, hoping to be able to drop a Leni Riefenstahl reference, and Drew knocks one out of the park. Good stuff bro,

Would a Pope Benedict joke would have been too easy?

Captain Caveman said...

Maybe we can tell Jay Fiedler and Sage Roselfels to sit this game out.

Pretty sure the coaches already do that.

BeaverFever said...

"souvenirs, novelties, party tricks"

other gut thing about nfl in germany: beer sales will not stop after half time.

Chris said...

Russia Diplomats will love Matt Millen - They both know enjoy running a organization into the ground.

The Kid said...

Good thing Marv Levy retired...

BeaverFever said...

one more Jewish guy in the nfl

#99 Igor Olshansky | DE - Chargers

Igor is proud of his Jewish heritage. He has many tattoos, including two of the Star of David. In May, Igor attended the Yom Ha’atzma’ut (Israel Independence Day) Festival at the Lawrence Family Jewish Community Center in La Jolla. Igor is regularly featured in Jewish news publications locally and nationally.

BeaverFever said...

Levy is now the GM for the Bills

Rob I said...

Hey funboys, get a room!

The Kid said...

@beaverfever

that team could probably go for some youth in the upper management area huh? and by youth i simply mean someone without a foot in the grave

BeaverFever said...

@ the kid, agreed

lieutenant winslow said...

i think they're really going to like tank johnson

sledgod said...

Chevrolet would have some great historic footage to choose from for the German version of the "This is our country" commercial.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Nothing happened; everyone was on vacation.

Burnsy said...

This would be the only instance of Robbie Gould being shot for making a field goal.

throwbot said...

Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der art things, huh?

I must get back to Dancecentrum in Struttgart in time to see Kraftwerk.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Lickspittle is such an awesome word.

Awful Chief said...

Igor is proud of his Jewish heritage. He has many tattoos, including two of the Star of David.

I'm pretty sure the 'no tattooing' law has not been repealed. I wonder if Igor also enjoys dreidel-shaped summer sausage.

Christmas Ape said...

Polka not played during halftime show

Any Steelers fan knows that isn't true.

Raskolnikov said...

-No Jews
-Fat, loud asshole Chris Berman could pass self off as German


With that logic, no wonder a bunch of tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans followed someone with none of their characteristics.

Otto Man said...

Real funny, Deutsch bag.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Another benefit: Those delightfully obsequious Italians always trying to show off to you.

Wormfather said...

I also went to Dachau.

I been there before too. The thing with the numbers of people killed there is eerie.

Then BBD, you know that Dachau was the only camp where the Jews were smart enough to realized that they wernt building showers.

Jerry: Ya know Jon, I'm starting wonder, if we're building showers, how come we're connecting this hose to a gas line.

Jon: Ya know, dry cleaning used to be done with kerosine, but those fumes are toxic.

Jerry: Oye shit!

(cutaion: Tihs psot has not been eeditd for spilnelg.)

The Kid said...

Adolph Goodell would have fit in pretty well there in the 1930's and 40's

Chamomiles Davis said...

Alright, Germany can have football teams, but if they start referring to their head coaches as "Gruppenfuhrers" I'm calling the Simon Wiesenthal Center.

When it comes to tailgating, you know those Germans: If you don't join the party, they come get you.

+100 to whoever quoted the "Everyone vas on vacation!" line from Family Guy.

"Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls." I'll bet.

Otto Man said...

"We were invited! Punch vas served! Check with Poland."

fatty said...

Cheerleaders made according to German purity laws

Sadly Ape, Steelers fans know this not to be true either...

No Hasselhoff

God bless America!!

Greg Schuler said...

Rommel was overrated. Give me someone like von Manstein or Kesselring anyday...

Chris said...

sorry

My Hero Zero said...

4 words:

"David Hasselhoff, Halftime Entertainer."

This must happen.

smeos said...

"It’s just like South Carolina, only it has a more successful history in ethnic cleansing."

So bad. So good.

And to the guy who said Rommel was overrated:

Your face is overrated.

That is all.

Rick Muscles said...

Isn't there a little something German about Brady Quinn?

Greg Schuler said...

@smeos - So is your Mom. You're sister is worth it, though.

Let's see - in WW1 Rommel ran roughshod over - the Italians. He was never involved in the tough fighting on the Western Front. However, he takes some time after the war and writes a pretty obvious book about infantry tactics and how wunderbar he was beating the Italians and gets noticed by a rising German politician named Hitler. Rommel spends time as the leader of Hitler's personal protection battalion.

He doesn't fight in Poland, but does get a secondary sector in Case Yellow - pushing through the Ardennes against second rate French divisions while better German generals again handle the tough business up north.

Then Rommel gets a cushy assignment in North Africa, this time helping the Italians. He beats the British after they overextend their supply lines and the war in North Africa goes back and forth. Overestimating himself and the importance of his sector, he begs and receives more supplies and assets (which would have been better off in use on the Eastern Front). Eventually, Rommel is recalled as things go against him and gets assigned to France - where nothing is happening. He makes the "brilliant" decision to but up beach obstacles and pour a lot of concrete, but then decides he'd rather spend his wife's birthday at home and abandons his post as the Allies invade. Rommel does little (he takes credit for the good work that Luck does at Caen).

Rommel never serves on the Eastern Front and owes much of his celebrity to British historians who would rather look bad versus the uber-general (in a secondary theater of operations) rather than admit their generals were incompetent.

Comapre Rommel's career to a Guederian, von Manstein or a hard charger like Blummentritt. Then see who is overrated.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Lord Palmerston!!!!

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Christ! I think I just learned somthing at KSK. Excuse while I now eat my gun.

Mike Mullen said...

Welcome to Kissing Suzy Kolber - your up-to-the-minute online resource for World War I and II analysis

Ironic Steel Salesman said...

I think it goes without saying that the Germans won't be happy with the NFl until they can react their favorite scene from "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead." The dishes are not done, man.

smeos said...

In World War One, running over anyone was an accomplishment. Not getting assigned to Poland was hardly missing the Apocalypse, and the difference between French Divisions was negligible at best. As for North Africa, the entire endeavor would have been better spent on the Eastern Front. What was he supposed to do? Sit on it while his army was overrun? No, he requests supplies and reinforcements. And Normandy? No one could blink without Hitler's say-so, which is why most of the Panzers were deployed to Pas de Calais and left there until Hitler gave the order to move them, which came too late to do much good. Rommel's skill was not in his ability to oversee an entire campaign, like some of the others you mentioned, but in his ability to plan and win an individual battle.

Rick Muscles said...

Sometimes I call my dick Helmut Kohl. While we're on the subject of stinking, juicy, unshaven European pussies, "Hitman" Hatton better shut his mouth before the "Pretty Boy" comes out of retirement and shoulder rolls, counters and knocks hatton all the way back to Manchester.

zigga plz said...

Ugly German architecture? I thought the Viking's were trying to recreate 'the annexation of puerto rico' on every third down.

Maybe they should try popping some alka-seltzer...


INTIMIDATION

Michael said...

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Interested?