Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Berating You Contest Entrants So That Ufford Doesn’t Have To


I love you folks, the fine readers of this here site. I really do. But sometimes you people make me so mad I want to have Robert Blake shoot you and then cover it up.

The keeper league contest entires have come in. Some have been lovely (Thanks, Sarah!), but most have been putrid. It’s almost lamer than the fucking Hot Blogger contest. I was going to do your family a favor and install the Disney Channel for free. Well, forget it. Some quick correctives.

-DO NOT send us your fucking whole personal fantasy football history. We don’t fucking care.

-DO NOT send us blog entries you already wrote. Only WE get to recycle our old shit. I ain’t clicking thru to SHIT.

-DO NOT send us pictures of your truck. It’s a truck. I don’t fucking care about trucks. Send your truck photo to Bob fucking Seger.

-DO NOT send us entries over 250 words. The whole point of this blog is to avoid ACTUAL reading. Your endless manifestos are useless against us. I won’t even read the topic sentence. You did include a topic sentence, DIDN’T YOU?!

-DO NOT send us photos of yourself in drag if you can’t pull it off.

-DO NOT send us your shitty MS Paint jobs. It only reminds us of our own artistic shortcomings.

-DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.

Now, I’m always one for positive reinforcement. That’s why the lovely Lucy Pinder graces the top of this post. Some suggestions:

-DO send us embarrassing stories about NFL players, writers, and broadcasters. I don’t even care if they’re true. We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl. Or did he?

-DO send us anything that embarrasses Chris Berman or Bill Simmons.

-DO send us a photo of Grosssman in a Sex Cannon shirt. (Pull this off for real and you’re the instant winner)

-DO find creative ways to incorporate KSK thinking into the outside world, with photographic proof of such shenanigans. You can create so many different messages with a chain link fence over a highway and 1,000 tennis balls. If you didn’t even have to leave your office chair to create your entry, then you fucking failed.

-DO send t-shirt designs that improve on our god-awful work.

-DO make fun of Ufford.

-DO send great photoshops involving Vick, Tank, Pacman and the like.

-DO make yourself useful. Don’t make us thrash you.

You have until June 30th. kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. Razzle dazzle us, people.

UPDATE: And DON'T send us porn. You almost got Ape fired. And no one likes an angry Ape.

78 comments:

Burnsy said...

Listen, I don't need you guys to tell me my first entry sucked. Have some patience.

Brother Joshua said...

i'd just like to clarify: my entry (the "wildly perplexing" one) was not made in ms paint. that's straight photoshop skillz. i set the photoshop bar high, what can i say?

TheNaturalMevs said...

God Drew, you're so tough. I don't know if I'm man enough to be in the same fantasy football league as you.

Christmas Ape said...

DON'T do what Johnny Don't does.

devang said...

I got nothing. I'll just sit back and watch the fun.

Bloof said...

Holy shit, Lucy Pinder is hot.

I don't know whether to waste work time coming up with another application stunt, or just do some one-handed image googling.

I guess I'll have to do both.

Awful Chief said...

Like true stories of NFL coaches wrestling bears? Enjoy.

Chris said...

I love it when Drew talks dirty to me.

TheStarterWife said...

Hey, not my fault MMP got voted out.

flubby said...

I liked the truck. You can send more trucks, but you probably won't get BDD aka Mr. Salad Fork's vote.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
devang said...

TSW, I think he's pissed because he was automatically rejected

TheStarterWife said...

Also, I've already made fun of Ufford here - http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/04/ladies-open-mic.html

And posted my naked boobs for the SHOTY

So either I get in or you can go eat dick BBD.

devang said...

Does BBD stand for Big Baby Drew?

Uncle Ted McKinney said...

If TSW gets in, I will shoot myself.

BeaverFever said...

BDD can get as viscious as he wants to after posting that picture of lucy pinder after the half of dozen gay ones.

Awful Chief said...

Anyone else notice Lucy Pinder's breasts?

BeaverFever said...

i sense sarcasm chief, but i'm sure we all noticed them.

Unsilent Majority said...

from Pinder's Wiki page
She lists some of her dislikes as clowns (especially Pennywise from It), wasps and racism.

Oh my god...she's my fucking soul mate!!!

Otto Man said...

Well, if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true.

My turnoffs include cloudy days and people who frown. I bet I'll never find a Playmate with similar concerns.

Captain Caveman said...

-DO make fun of Ufford.

I heard he's TOO handsome.

LadyAndrea said...

I love both clowns AND racism. Lucy and I just are not meant to be.

Big Daddy Drew said...

But what of racist clowns? Yucko the clown be crazy HOT.

miamidiesel said...

First of all, Lucy Pinder plays for my team. So BDD, I expect some credit for that one -- otherwise, you can go get yourself testicularly torsed. Its too bad old posts don't count as entries, because that team I assembled is an all-time record-breaker.

And now that I know you guys don't care about past performance (*cough* 5 championships from 12 leagues last season *cough*), I'll make sure to bring the KSK philosophy to the outside world, and get somebody to photograph me doing it. In fact, since I'm headed to Hong Kong this weekend for six weeks for work, I'll make sure to do something over there. Think they're ready for "Cumslinger" t-shirts and dick jokes? Because shit is about to hit the fan...

wv - hgxqlzgk: Chinese word for "Fuck you, I didn't need to see you shaking your dick at oncoming traffic while wearing a "Sex Cannon" t-shirt"

John S. said...

It is easy enough to find a racist wasp, but, a racist wasp who is a clown? Well, that is a rare bird my friend...

John S. said...

My turn ons: nice smiles, thoughtful conversation and a Woman who can assemble an M-14 blindfolded.

MemphisRaines said...

Measurements: 32G–26–34 in.

Oh my God we're soul mates! Those are my turn-ons!

devang said...

I heard he's TOO handsome.

Really CC? Well, Someone doesn't think so

Otto Man said...

a racist wasp who is a clown?

What about Trent Lott?

Too soon?

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

Sir,

Oh, well! YOU aren't satisfied with OUR submissions.

Our apologies.

Now you can fully relate to how WE feel.

John S. said...

@ Otto

I am pretty sure Lott is a Baptist, not a Protestant

BeaverFever said...

i didn't see animal sacrifices under the the list of Do Not's. you guys might want to add that, who knows what your readers are capable of.

Rusty said...

Baptists are Protestants, numb nuts.

I surely risk disqualification for saying this, but, Pinder isn't that hot. I mean, her face is kind of wack. Take a look at her without makeup.

I prefer Kelly Hazell for my insanely large-breasted Briton needs.

Otto Man said...

I am pretty sure Lott is a Baptist, not a Protestant

Actually, the term "Protestant" pretty much encompasses all Christians except the Catholics. Baptists included.

Of course, Lott's real focus of worship is his helmet hair. I'm betting he won a lifetime supply of Consort Hairspray as a kid.

John S. said...

Not to start a theological discussion here, but, Baptists who espouse the "perpetuity" theory are not Protestants...

nunb nuts.

John S. said...

and, of course, by "nunb nuts" I meant "numb nuts"

BeaverFever said...

yesterday we veered off on the topic of porn stars, today we debate if baptists are protestants. celebrate diversity !

John S. said...

I am good like that

Otto Man said...

Wasn't "Nun B Nuts" the subtitle for "Sister Act 3"?

Wormfather said...

@nation_of_islam_sportsblog

That was brilliant!

John S. said...

You got me there. If so, that would be indicitave of a level of effort in writing that movie... effort I asumed to be completely missing.

Rusty said...

Good point re perpetuity. However, Baptism is clearly an off-shoot of American Protestantism. Just because they don't think they're Protestants doesn't make it so.

And porn stars? Where!?

BeaverFever said...

rusty, go to the comment section from yesterdays post "sushi for badasses"

John S. said...

@Rusty - Well, even if I am transsubstantiating my corn flakes every morning, if I do not consider myself a Catholic, chances are, I am not a Catholic.

Porn stars in the Post regarding Bear Grylls eating a fish.

rar288 said...

Well at first I thought to myself, "If you want to be part of this most sacred posse of guys making dick jokes, you really will have to apply yourself." Then I realized: I'll have to apply myself. Fuck that, I come to this site for OTHER people to entertain ME.

Wormfather said...

You know the the comments section has been quite angry the last few days, in fighting, cat fighting (not yet), just all around anger.

I think I'm going to schedule the KSK Gay Mafia/Comments Section to sensitivity training.

Murderface said...

@rar288: Indeed. If I were in charge, that post would automatically get you into the league.

Yay, sloth and passivity!

Rusty said...

Yeah, found it. Just e-mailed BDD what Chasey looks like now w/o make-up. It's not pretty.

I prefer Eve Lawrence (before she went blonde).

And regarding the Baptist business: believing the Baptist Church predates Catholicism is fine. It's just like Mormons believing all that Mormon stuff. History just vehemently disagrees.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I like the way rar288 thinks.

Jo said...

Check your inbox, you just received the winning entry, bitches.

Baptists do have something in common with the other Protestants, Jews, and pretty much everyone else who isn't Catholic: They're all going to hell.

-Chief Wahoo

John S. said...

@rusty - not sure what to say to that. I guess I'll just drop it.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Honestly, I didn't even read that post - I just stared at the piece of ass at the beginning.

John S. said...

Lately, Angelica Sin has been turning my head

devang said...

Check your inbox, you just received the winning entry, bitches.

(Shakes head in a sad manner). Happens on EVERY post

DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.

devang said...

@jo If you win, I'll bow down before the one I serve, guess I'll get what I deserve.

Chuckles said...

If I were to submit video of a bear fighting a pack of rabid woolverines at Mike Vick's house while the Cumslinger (sporting a Sex Cannon t-shirt, naturally) collects $100 bills from a weeping Bill Simmons, that would pretty much secure my spot in the field, right?

Oh hell, I'll just send porn.

Ken Dynamo said...

so anyway, the only rule is there are no rules, except when i decide to make some which will be applied retroactively.

great precedent your setting for a fantasy league

Sam said...

@devang: I was about to apologize for ignoring protocol then I noticed that you were quoting Depeche Mode lyrics, so instead I'll just say: prepare to bow.

John S. said...

Depeche Mode???

Monday Morning Punter said...

They're not rules, Ken, so much as tips for success. We're not naive enough to think that any rules would have been followed, anyway.

devang said...

@sam No, No, no my friend. They are a variation of a NIN song "Head Like a Hole". I think you are wrongly thinking of "Personal Jesus". Makes sense with all the talk about different Christian denominations on this post

Murderface said...

@ John S.: Awesome. Nine Inch Nails (Ninnies) always were about as hard as Depeche Mode.

Bloof said...

@ rusty: You judge her by her face? What kind of sick freak are you?

This is the kind of bullshit that sets male chauvinism back.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Come on bloof, shes got to have some kind of face you can look at, so you know where to aim on the pull out. How are you supposed to hit her face when you're cringing?

The Pirate Sloth said...

Aaaaaand I just guaranteed that I won't be making any lady friends today...

devang said...

@ the pirate sloth. Are you referring to the Angry Dragon?

LadyAndrea said...

Pirate Sloth, don't be so presumptuous. I'll be your friend.

But if you come on my face, I'll punch you.

The Pirate Sloth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Pirate Sloth said...

Thanks Andrea, I'll be sure to keep that in mind for future rendezvous.

Landru said...

Holy fuck. Take an enema, Drew. I already bitchslapped myself in public for the oldass blog entries. I'll be your submissive bitch for, like, one comment, but after that it gets kinda boring, y'know?

MCBias said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrew said...

Oprah's Va Jay Jay apologizes for any offense taken.

Sam said...

My apologies, Ape. At least it was softcore porn. I figured it was ok since I was involved and all. My bad.

-Chief Wahoo

TheNaturalMevs said...

If you're talking porn stars, you can't miss a scene from these:

Nici Sterling
Alexandria Quinn
Gauge
Monica Sweetheart
Nici Sterling ****
Anna Nova
Angelica Sin
Jeanna Fine
Nicole Sheridan (when she's not banging that ogre husband in every scene)
Mia Bangg


Check them out, they're the best in the biz.

Awful Chief said...

thenaturalmevs, don't think that no one noticed that you just posted the same comment on two separate posts.

Swolestice said...

Otto Man, your time is impeccable.

Swolestice said...

I met OJ Simpson at the '92 Summer Olympics. I had a picture taken with him, and my grandma told his girlfriend to get out of the picture right before she snapped it. I'm pretty sure he was wearing Bruno Magli shoes. I'll see if I can dig up the photo.

Sadly, that's all I've got...

Matt T said...

We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl.

So I should have held on to that one until now?

Damn.