I love you folks, the fine readers of this here site. I really do. But sometimes you people make me so mad I want to have Robert Blake shoot you and then cover it up.
The keeper league contest entires have come in. Some have been lovely (Thanks, Sarah!), but most have been putrid. It’s almost lamer than the fucking Hot Blogger contest. I was going to do your family a favor and install the Disney Channel for free. Well, forget it. Some quick correctives.
-DO NOT send us your fucking whole personal fantasy football history. We don’t fucking care.
-DO NOT send us blog entries you already wrote. Only WE get to recycle our old shit. I ain’t clicking thru to SHIT.
-DO NOT send us pictures of your truck. It’s a truck. I don’t fucking care about trucks. Send your truck photo to Bob fucking Seger.
-DO NOT send us entries over 250 words. The whole point of this blog is to avoid ACTUAL reading. Your endless manifestos are useless against us. I won’t even read the topic sentence. You did include a topic sentence, DIDN’T YOU?!
-DO NOT send us photos of yourself in drag if you can’t pull it off.
-DO NOT send us your shitty MS Paint jobs. It only reminds us of our own artistic shortcomings.
-DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.
Now, I’m always one for positive reinforcement. That’s why the lovely Lucy Pinder graces the top of this post. Some suggestions:
-DO send us embarrassing stories about NFL players, writers, and broadcasters. I don’t even care if they’re true. We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl. Or did he?
-DO send us anything that embarrasses Chris Berman or Bill Simmons.
-DO send us a photo of Grosssman in a Sex Cannon shirt. (Pull this off for real and you’re the instant winner)
-DO find creative ways to incorporate KSK thinking into the outside world, with photographic proof of such shenanigans. You can create so many different messages with a chain link fence over a highway and 1,000 tennis balls. If you didn’t even have to leave your office chair to create your entry, then you fucking failed.
-DO send t-shirt designs that improve on our god-awful work.
-DO make fun of Ufford.
-DO send great photoshops involving Vick, Tank, Pacman and the like.
-DO make yourself useful. Don’t make us thrash you.
You have until June 30th. firstname.lastname@example.org. Razzle dazzle us, people.
UPDATE: And DON'T send us porn. You almost got Ape fired. And no one likes an angry Ape.