Friday, June 22, 2007

Cheerleader Twins: A Duet of Pleasures

Reproductive genetics is a tricky little dance and, like most dances, shouldn't be attempted by white people. The slightest chromosomal misstep, and you end up a nasty grab bag of maladies and deformations such as Turner Syndrome, Klinefelter's Syndrome, cri du chat, or Matt Millen Brow.

Occasionally though, God rolls the die, an egg splits in twain and out pop a pair of comely cheerleaders. Such is the case with Larisa and Marisa, a pair of cheerleaders for the Texans, who need all the activation of their cheerleader twin powers to make Houstonians put down the lean long enough to pretend to care about their tragically uninspiring football team.

Thing 1 and Thing 1

Of the various horrors parents can visit upon their children in the naming department - we can name a few - the similar rhyming names for twins is among the worst.

As I imagine the case is with most identitical twins, Marisa and Larisa are into essentially the same stuff - shitty AFC South teams, hoping to teach middle school math - but with slight distinctions: Larisa likes stars, Marisa likes starfish; Larisa's favorite teevee show is "The Price is Right" (there goes her future as a Barker Beauty), Marisa's is "Wheel of Fortune"; Larisa likes inauthentic Tex-Mex chain Pappasito's, Larisa takes her cousin Gino to the Olive Garden.

So, you see, these twins are all alik---


Favorite ice cream flavor: Larisa’s favorite ice cream is dutch chocolate with Hershey’s syrup. Marisa’s favorite ice cream is homemade vanilla.

Marisa is clearly the evil one. Who likes homemade vanilla outside the Flanders flock?

The Texans web site has a video profile of the two - of course they get shoehorned in together while all the other members get one to themselves. Look what you hath wrought, Coors Light commericials.


Bloof said...

And on the eighth day, God made a perfect 69. And look! It was good.

BeaverFever said...

i have an identical twin brother and i thank my parents everyday they didn't give us queer names that rhyme or even start with the first same letter for that matter

Michael Beckwith said...

Taco flavored kisses cholas!!!

Sadly, in Cleveland the only cheerleaders we see at halftime are the 14-year-olds from the local high schools. I swear we are trapped in the movie "The Best of Times" sometimes up here...

Burnsy said...

I'd like to give Larisa a Dutch oven.

Bloof said...

@beaverfever: Damn, you're right. It would suck to have a twin brother with a name like "queaverfever."

Wormfather said...

My only regret is that I cannot use my penis to penetrate them both at the exact same time.


BeaverFever said...

i think all the guys here and maybe some of the ladies can agree that we would all like to be the meat in a marisa/larisa sandwich.

and yes bloof, queverfever would be a shitty first name.

Otto Man said...

Not as bad as Queeferfever. There's no cure for that.

dusty said...

Which one of you pervs is going to make the first starfish joke?

El Duffo O Muerte said...

I prefer my vanilla ice cream to have "Crucifixins." My personal favorite is the Blessed Virgin Berry.

TacoBellManager said...

I like my lean with prometheazine and hershey's syrup.

Big Daddy Drew said...

-Hello, Charlene!
-I'm Marlene!
-Hello, Marlene!
-I'm Charlene!
-Chew your gum.

Slash said...

Whoever picked out their lipstick for that picture should be fired.

And I'm sure I'm gonna be in the minority on this one, but twins all over each other like that in a picture skeevs me out. Do they have a brother? Let's get him in there, have something for everyone. How about mom and dad, too? The Aristocrats!!

The Persian cheerleader from a week or so ago is way hotter.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Find a happy place.
Find a happy place!!!

Jackin'4Beats said...

So who's down to do the motorboat with Marisa?

B said...

Damn you!!! Just when I had finally forgotten all about that awful "AND TWINS!" commercial.

devang said...

Whoever picked out their lipstick for that picture should be fired.

Uh, yeah right, lipstick, sure. I'm only looking at their DSLs and boobies.

Sam said...

Whoever wrote this post is responsible for the deaths of thousands of unborn Wahoos.

-Chief Wahoo

Tom said...

Despite their hotness, they somehow still managed to make that video profile unwatchable

dick_gozinia said...

I'll tell ya what's worse.

We just had a new couple move in to the condo across the hall from us. The guy's name is Cary and her name is (obviously) Sherry. Friggin' Sherry and Cary.

If I had met my perfect match and her name rhymed with mine, I'd legally change my name rather than suffer the hell of peoples' responses to our adorably rhyming names for the rest of my life. Something like Butch or Steve McQueen would work.

Vanilla said...

IDIOTS! When she said that Vanilla was her favorite flavor she wasn't talking about Ice Cream, she was talking about my cream!

Punch Rockgroin said...

There's no amount of bangin hot twin cheerleader ass to make me forget how shitty the Texans are, is there?

No, seriously... is there an amount and how much will it cost?

Awful Chief said...

Following hurricane Katrina I worked for a relief organization for a month. One of my duties was to register households which involved taking the names of everyone living in the unit. Actual names of four children in one family:

"Sir, could you please spell that for me?"

Holding it together through that may have been the single greatest accomplishment in my life.