Thursday, June 7, 2007

Dear Scottrade Helicopter Guy: F--k You


Dear Rodger Riney, aka the dude in the Scottrade helicopter ads that I’ve been forced to watch during every televised sporting event over the past eight months:

Fuck you.

I get it. You’re the CEO of the company and you like seeing yourself in your ads. Why, I bet you even own that helicopter! Awesome! You sure are powerful and influential! The stock photo above makes you look so in charge and proactive! Message taken. Now fucking crash and burn, you rich fuck. You look like Artie Pie in those ads and nothing you do will change that. So move over and let some new ad air repeatedly until I have been whipped into a manic froth. Your time is over.

If I see that fucking helicopter of yours in the sky over my house, I’m getting my potato gun and firing it at the rotating blades. Then I will squeal with pleasure as you spin round and round and plummet back to Earth, dead and toasted. Then, I’m gonna walk up to you and hit you with a brick. That’s how we do things in Montgomery County.

Oh, and your trade fee blows. I hate you to death. Fuck you in the pants.

51 comments:

miamidiesel said...

first!

Big Daddy Drew said...

miamidiesel, do that again and you will be banned the second we figure out how to ban people.

Weed Against Speed said...

I suspect Drew's portfolio is not in the best of shape right now. Hence the hostility.

And what the fuck is up with people thinking it's so great to be first? Fucktards.

Chris said...

Drew I don't know who that guys is, but I have some really nice bricks if you need some help.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

When's my right time, Kent? When's my right time?

Josh said...

weird, I don't think I've ever seen this commercial before until I just looked it up on You Tube. Is it a regional thing?

From the other side of town said...

I, too, extend great flatulence with extreme prejudice in Rodger's direction.

Damn you helicopter blades, I'm choking.

BeaverFever said...

nothing says "pretentious douche" like a CEO flying around in a helicopter in one of his commercials.

Grimey said...

You should move to Florida. I'd never heard of this guy or his company before today.

We just get the Chevy Silverado commercials and the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots.

mmmm beefy said...

Fuck you in the pants?

that one is new to me. Bravo my friend bravo

The Penalty Kill said...

After you crash the helicopter, can you then fire your potato gun at miamidiesel's balloon knot?

the butler said...

Eleventh!

(kidding, don't kill me)

I haven't seen it either...just that damn truck commercial with that annoying yodeling over and over and over...

Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

Good for him, I hope he suffers the same fate as that twat Dr. Z.

A series of worsening sales marks, public admission of failure, and with any hope, heart failure.

Dr. Z and Roger can doubleteam my mule.

Ben said...

Hell yeah MoCo. Show em how we do.

Bloof said...

Fourteenth!


Your spud gun hitting the helicopter is a bit of a stretch. May I suggest a tennis ball?

Burnsy said...

Yeah, in Florida we just get Dan Marino in 79% of our local commercials. Wait, can that helicopter fly into my house?

BeaverFever said...

seriously, what's the big deal with being the 1st post ? everyone knows that the 69th post is the coolest.

MicroscopicElvis said...

YOU'RE NOT THE TIME KENT!!! YOU'RE NOT THE TIME!!!!

My Insignificant Life said...

19th

OK, having a f'n bad day and willing to break out the heavy guns to take douche bag trader's coptor......and then go all Al Capone on his head with my baseball bat.....and maybe my day will go from f'n bad to simply bad....

Otto Man said...

How about the ad where he's supposed to mow that woman's lawn and instead cuts all of her shrubs into giant animals? I would've beaten the shit out of him.

James said...

large poppa drew, if only you lived in PG, where shooting at things like helos would be a very believable story.

Shan said...

if i was insanely rich i would buy adspace during really popular airings, and it would be nothing but me doing shots and hitting on chicks that really arent that hot but you look at them and think wow i wouldnt mind banging her and i bet it wouldnt be that hard to bag her all it would take is some smooth talking and strategic use of funds and maybe trying to stretch this horrible sentence on a bit longer.... but seriously im not rich, so fuck him.

becky said...

is it just me or has Drew grown progressively snippier and snippier as the off-season has progressed?

Ruthless Gravity said...

Fuck him and fuck Chuck.

No, I don't want to talk to you, you animated piece of shit. Die!

Wormfather said...

First, first is for pussies and paris hiltons. Only a man with true dedication can go review old posts, open the comments up and type "Last".

And that's why I'm a real man, man.

Wormfather said...

@Becky, I agree, I think tomorrow we'll be drafting ways to go fuck ourselves.

Babydaddy said...

Consider: if you kill him and he gets buried in Rockville, homeboy will join F. Scott in haunting the Twinbrook Library.

Maybe David Blaine could take a break from tormenting the NBA and make the helicopter commercials disappear. Ta da!

TheNaturalMevs said...

Oh Drew, you are nothing if not fucking unique; indeed.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I think Drew needs a hug.

miamidiesel said...

@BDD, weed against speed, the penalty kill, the butler, bloof, beaverfever, my insignificant life, wormfather: I can sense the jealousy in all your posts. I'll take my 15 minutes in the asshole box comfortable in the fact I've frustrated you and caused you to question your self-worth with a simple, gay little post that merely says "first!". Your tears taste fucking delicious.

I too have never seen this douche's helicopter commercial, but I agree with otto man; why the hell would I entrust my money to some dipshit who couldn't even perform a simple task like trimming hedges? I volunteer my potato gun as well to putting Rodger Riney out of his misery...

miamidiesel said...

oh, and 30th and 31st bitches...

Jez said...

large poppa drew, if only you lived in PG, where shooting at things like helos would be a very believable story.



I thought PG stood for "pregnant."

Landru said...

That’s how we do things in Montgomery County.

No one ever tells me this shit. I've spent 35 freakin' years within two miles of I-270, and all I got to show for it is a head that looks like an anvil. Dayum.

Wormfather said...

...not gonna be baited by miamidesel, not going to be baited...

Wormfather said...

LISTEN YOU LIMP DICKED ANALY FIST FUCKED, savage piece of prehistoric dipshit of an apprentice to becoming paris' new cunt mother fucking scumbag of a gutterslutted whore.

We, who purvey the KSK commenting boards are above "First" posts, we're just above that shit, try to have some dignity.

/sarcasm

YourTaxDollarsAtWork said...

I think wormfather nailed the topic for tomorrow’s draft.

That, or we draft items that should be heated on the stove and logged securely in miamidiesel’s colon.

Jez said...

Eh, you're bitching about these commercials when the Miller Lite one is all about touting that it won an award for being the best piss in a can? Yeah, pass me one of those trophies so I can throw it at someone...

Slash said...

I'll trade you for those fucking GEICO gecko ads that I see about a dozen times every day at lunch. How I would like to roast the people who create them (The Martin Agency) slowly over a fire.

Glad to see I'm not the only one kinda puzzled by "Fuck you in the pants." I think I know what it means, but... I could be wrong.

And I concur, the next draft should be ways to go fuck ourselves.

BigRicks said...

Nothing. I repeat NOTHING, is worse than Bruce A. Berman

Overacting piece of garbage ad, it makes me want to commit hari kari

YourTaxDollarsAtWork said...

Bullshit. That goddamn caveman is the most infuriating thing out there. And the fact that their giving him his own show is why al qadea hates us.

Otto Man said...

That ad for Bruce A. Berman -- "the 'A' stands for Asswipe!" -- is pretty fucking horrible.

The worst part is that whoever posted it to YouTube called it a "hilarious cable ad." Riiiiight.

B said...

Yes!!!! Thank you!
And to add insult, the goddam commercials run twice every break on DirecTV.

Big Daddy Drew said...

is it just me or has Drew grown progressively snippier and snippier as the off-season has progressed?

June/July is usually when I start to lose it.

Bloof said...

@ miamidiesel: I would be jealous, but you said, "first."

Which is gay. Real men call shotgun. Calling "first" is something Les Nessman would do.

You stay classy, Miami.

fallex said...

mmmm, kari-kari.

Kevin said...

@James

Yeah, in PG, it'd be normal. In MoCo, they'd be on your ass so quick that it wouldn't even be funny. Remember the Sniper?

MoCo loves money!

Seriously, you think the company's investors are happy that he's spending so much money on commercials that are played to an audience where maybe, maybe 10% of the total viewers are their target demos?

MaxwellEdison said...

It's even gayer that the blades on his helicopter's tailrotor don't work, yet he still seems to be able to fly it.

That shit don't work in the real world and neither does is company.

Daniel Jimenez said...

Along these lines, I am baffled by the Ritz Camera commercials featuring David Ritz and Carmen Electra. It seems very likely to me that David is just using his company's money to fulfill his creepy Electra fantasies, because the only thing I take away from these commercials is that Carmen Electra is a really bad actress ("I hope David likes my show...") and David Ritz is really, really awkward around women.

Jonathan said...

I used to work for Scottrade. Trust me, Riney sucks even worse than you strenuously imply.

Jonathan said...

I used to work for Scottrade. Trust me, Riney sucks even worse than you strenuously imply.

garglemonster said...

first in 2008!
ledgroks