Tuesday, June 19, 2007

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: England!


Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. First up: England.

Hello, English people! Or should I say, top of the marnin’ to ya? Huh? Huh? It’s my honor to take you on a tour of all things NFL and explain why it might appeal to you folks in London, or as I like to call it, “Seattle With Funny Accents.” No doubt you’ve heard of the NFL, but haven’t had the chance to learn more about it because you were too busy breathlessly overhyping lousy bands (“The new Travis album is absolutely MASSIVE!”) and eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the jar. But with this crash course, I think you’ll learn to lurve the NFL almost as much as you enjoy the comedic stylings of Ruby Wax.

In addition, you Brittainians have been bestowed with the honor of hosting the first-ever regular season NFL game to be played on European soil. Unfortunately, that game will be played between the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins, which means it will bear more than a striking resemblance to the World Bowl preseason games and London Monarchs WLAF games of years past. My apologies. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop 40,000 of you from snapping up tickets for the game at Wembley the day they went on sale. Sure, most of those tickets were probably bought by American citizens living abroad. But I’m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans.

Until that magical day on October 28, here’s a handy Let’s Go guide to the NFL tailored to the sensibilities of all you pasty, strawberry-blond Limeys. So let’s get pissed on some American football!

What You’ll Think Is Ace About The NFL:
-The Manning family. They’re just like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
-With Americans in the stands, you’ll have a proper outlet for violent hooliganism
-Tampa QB's Jeff Garcia and Chris Simms only men on Earth gayer than Graham Norton
-Excuse to drink pints of Beamish Red every Sunday between the hours of 6:15PM and 5:30AM
-FOX camerawork eerily resembles hacky jump-cutting of a Guy Ritchie film
-Terrible Cleveland Browns offense mimics the start-stop rhythms of Dizzie Rascal
-Gives Americans something to occupy themselves, delaying them from doing horrible things like invading sovereign nations and producing American remake of “Coupling”
-Fun to notice differences between Stuart Scott's lazy eye and Thom Yorke's lazy eye
-Halftime show allows for quick trip to Sainsbury's for HP Sauce and cold meat pies
-Opportunity to see heterosexual black men, of which England is conspicuously absent
-Being across the Atlantic means John Madden cannot visit
-British affinity for the words “cunt”, “cunty”, and “cunting” will really help drive the inherent sexism in the sport home
-Frequent stoppages in play allow Brits more time to enjoy national pastime of cattily bitching about everything
-NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell looks oddly British
-Switching to NFL allows transition from shitty blogs like Arseblog to superior dick joke blogs like KSK

What You’ll Think Is Absolute Shite About The NFL:
-The padding. Yes, yes, rugby players are tougher because they don’t wear pads and play exclusively in hot pants (nice kit!). Whatever. I’m sure Ray Lewis wouldn’t last one second playing for Leicester. You keep on believing that
-For Welsh fans: distracting amount of consonants in player’s last names
-Not enough advertising on uniforms or field
-Lack of Carling scarves in the crowd
-The coaches. American coaches are far less histrionic than their British soccer counterparts. You’ll never hear things like, “WHAT IS THIS UGLINESS?” from an American coach. Sir Alex Ferguson has more charisma in his gusset than Andy Reid does in his whole big fat body
-Joe Buck. Yes, we also hate him here. So why do we put him on television? No clue. Tough shit. He’s your problem now
-Game played by group of people that still fail to acknowledge subpar talents of Robbie Williams

Tailgate Options:
We all know British food tastes like fresh parrot shit (Cloves? Tom Collins mix? Frozen pie crust? Mmmmm!). But, luckily for you, the early 20th century British slave trade created an influx of Indian immigrants that actually knew how to make passable cuisine. That’s why I suggest an all-Indian tailgate party outside of Wembley. Feast on Aloo Gobi, Samosas, Chicken Tikka Masala, Daal, Naan, and other tasty dishes. But make sure you get some meat in there. That all-vegetarian thing with Indian food is for faggots men who enjoy the company of other men.

Players That Will Appeal To British Sensibilities:
-Eli Manning. No one’s whiter than Eli Manning
-All kickers
-All punters
-Suspended players Chris Henry and Pacman Jones will happily reenact the drunken escapades of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley
-Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty
-Dhani Jones. Literate linebacker could pass himself off as lead singer of Bloc Party if need be

I hope you British folk enjoyed our condescending little tour through our American footie league. We’ll see you at Wembley in October! Thought you were seeing Paul Weller Rodgers fronting Queen and destroying Freddie Mercury’s legacy that night? Boy, are you in for a surprise!

47 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Samosas? But I wanted S'mores!

The Last Unitard said...

Who will win? The Twatty Cunts or the Cunty Twats?

Otto Man said...

Samosas? But I wanted S'mores!

Seriously, it's just chocolate, graham cracker and marshmallow. How hard is that?

becky said...

you forgot "cuntishes"

The Kid said...

british people prefer to "bum a fag" as opposed to chewing tobacco which makes me hate them

BeaverFever said...

not one mention of fish and chips ?

also, by the looks of the bad teeth britsh have you would think all they do is chew tobacco.

miamidiesel said...

That all-vegetarian thing with Indian food is for faggots.

Ahem. [Leaves room in a huffy fit]

Seriously though, I don't know if drinking with Indian food is all that advisable; the shit is just not absorbent in the stomach, on top of which its nutritional value is absolute shite. It's really a no-win situation there. When I'm on a bender, if all I've had to eat all day is Indian food, there's a 90% chance that before the night is over I'll puke my lungs out and wake up on the floor in the corner of a room with my pants down around my ankles and my dick in my hand (though I realize that for some of you, like wormfather, that's pretty much every night, regardless of what you've eaten).

Some of BDD's best work in this post, though I'd still love to know what Rexy thinks about the push for McNabb in Chicago....

The Kid said...

@beaverfever
its a little known fact that skoal actually doubles as a fluoride treatment

BeaverFever said...

@thekid, good to know that about skoal since i've been hooked on it for 16 years. God i need to quit that shit.

btw BDD, what's with the pic ? what faggy 80's brit band is that a pic of ?

Otto Man said...

That band looks like the bastard children of Arthur Fonzarelli and Richie Cunningham.

BigRicks said...

It was Paul Rodgers (Bad Company, Free). Not Paul Weller. I saw it at Continental Airlines Arena. Not great, not bad, but definitely not Freddie.

There use of the word "cunt" as a prefix is commendable. But what are their feelings on "pussy basket?"

Answers to these important questions, plus Trent Green and Eli Manning, live from Wembley, October 28th on Fox!

grungedave said...

"Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty"

... such an obvious joke. And yet done with such flair that I can't stop laughing.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Fixed it, bigricks.

Shan said...

what the brits wont like is the fact that tea will not be spotted anywhere near these players....except maybe garcia.

Grimey said...

If you don't think that Trent Green will be in a coma by October 28th, you're fooling yourself

swing4 said...

Genius.

miamidiesel said...

By the way, I just noticed the 'princess diana? i'd still hit it' tag, and, without even thinking about it for a split second, agreed. I'm not even remotely concerned about what that says about me as a person.

mamacita said...

@beaverfever:
They are the Bros.

And Drew, you are a cunt* for making me look that up. *=the bad kind.

the butler said...

gayer than Graham Norton

laughed my bollocks off.

BeaverFever said...

@mamacita, thanks for the tip. however, i feel a little gay for even looking at the link you provided.

mamacita said...

@beaverfever
You're all a little gayer today, thanks to Drew.

BeaverFever said...

not to mention that picture of the village people in the previous post. who's next culture club or frankie goes to hollywood ?

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

""Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty"

Sir,

Your homage to the mobility of the Negro QB is appreciated.

It is the legs, not the arms, of the Negro Qb's that have forever changed the game.

We appreciated you taking the time to recognize and properly glorify this.

devang said...

I would love to see Carl Monday make the trip and go into the men's bathroom, glance over see George Michael and instinctively go: "You jackin' it?"

thope said...

Mmmmmmm ... Gamblor loves Tom Collins and Clove pie.

SlickBomb said...

"Opportunity to see heterosexual black men, of which England is conspicuously absent"

This like gave me a chuckle. Nice job, Drew,

devang said...

Seal gives the impression of being a hetro. He even had a baby with some model.

Nah,"Kissed by a Rose" sounds kinda gay.

Awful Chief said...

But I’m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans.

American: "Who the fuck was he throwing that to?"

Englishman: "That was an ambitious ball!"

Jez said...

@miamidiesel:

Here in NW Indiana, we get comcast sports from Chicago. They had a little blurb on Sportsrise this morning. Basically, Tommy Harris said that it was a joke (and as I watched it, that's what it appeared to be to me), apologized for it, and seemed to actually feel bad about it (unlike someone like T.O.) and Rex basically told the press to go fuck themselves, that it was never an issue.

So I think everyone has moved on. As a Packer fan, I wish there was more of this shit going on in Chicago every day.

Signal to Noise said...

If the American remake of Absolutely Fabulous (which will come down the pike, guaranteed) stars both Pacman and Chris Henry, I'm totally watching.

mamacita said...

There was already an attempt at an American version of AbFab, and it sucked ass, unfortunately.

Mark said...

On a side note, Dizzee Rascal's new album is un-frickin-belivable.

Mr. Bad Example said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hobbes said...

i'm actually english and a lot of that is disturbingly accurate.

though since i love and play 'foooootbawwwwwwl' i understand it's not for pussies.

we invented america. we can have any sport over here we want (though i thank christ it's not an nba playoff game).

now i'm going to go and invade some poor african nations, you cuuuuuuuuuunts.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I have nothing to say, except i just have the longest fucking word verif I've ever seen:

nfpzmzum

Doesn't look that long typed - but it sure is impressively stretched across the comments window.

Signal to Noise said...

mamacita - glad I missed it. Changing the role of Saffron to a male reeks of bad idea.

Awful Chief said...

With the time difference, those lucky bastards have already been drinking for an hour or two.

rar288 said...

Our version of Dwight on The Office is better.

Julia said...

I knew I saved this for the end of the day for a reason.

" I’m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans."

Glorious.

Phony Gwynn said...

FOX camerawork eerily resembles hacky jump-cutting of a Guy Ritchie film

Yeah, but the NFL doesn't have a hackneyed plot and a rushed ending.

Killing My Liver said...

Jeff Garcia gay ?? Have you seen his wife ??

Mike said...

one thing for british fans to realize: "spotted dick" refers not to some kind of weird pudding dessert thing, but to the equipment of those NFL players who have nailed paris hilton.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

@killing my liver:

There's a word for Jeff Garcia's wife: overcompensation. George Michael used to bang Playmates and now look at him.

Oh--and the band's not THE Bros., it's just Bros. Don't ask me how I know that, just accept that I do.

jonfrum2000 said...

If Americans are going to watch "football" in London, they had better learn to behave like real footie fans. Like maybe they could throw freezer bags full of piss at the opposing fans. And of course it will be "bring your own road fuse". Unfortunately, it wouldn't make much sense for players to head-butt their opponents - the damn helmets get in the way.

Apocalipstick said...

Rotten timing. The England v West Indies 4th Test Match finished up today. England won by seven wickets. With all that going on, there's no time to read up on American football.

However, the Welsh are pushing for the next overseas NFL game to be played in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Just to fuck with you.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
3000 said...

Haha...good stuff. But, unfortunately, even professional football wasn't enough for the jags at NBC to take a crack at "American Coupling." (2003)